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Now I know this might sound odd
这听起来可能有些奇怪
but it's really a genetic flaw that makes us go into show business
但让我们进入脱口秀行当的确实是一种遗传缺陷
I mean, what normal people want to stand on the stage, have vegetables thrown on them
哪会有正常人想要站在台上 等别人朝他脸上扔蔬菜
They don't
没人想这样
I read somewhere that most people's greatest fear is having to speak in public
我听说 很多人最害怕的就是在公众面前讲话
They frighten to death of it
他们害怕得要死
We are fortunate to live in an age when it obviously paid huge dividends
我们很幸运 能够活在一个讲笑话能发财的时代
If this was ancient Rome
如果是在古罗马
and Caesar said why are all those soldiers laughing
凯撒说 那些士兵在笑什么
Well, that guy is entertaining them
有个人在讲笑话
Really? Kill him
真的吗 杀了他
Number 12, you can never make it too late, you can only make it too soon
第12点 成功永远没有太晚 只有太早
You know, show business is like golf. If you play it right you can do it to your 80s
脱口秀行当就像打高尔夫球 80岁都能打
When you start out in show business, I know
开始进入脱口秀行当后
hours are days, days are weeks, weeks are years
我开始觉得有些度日如年
I thought I was the oldest guy
我觉得我很老了
I thought I was the last guy ever do this night show
我觉得我是搞夜间秀的最后一个人
I was only 27 years old
其实我只有27岁
But then we get to the age the whole things turn us around
之后一切都反过来了
and years are weeks, and weeks are days, and days are hours
我开始觉得度年如日
So it kind of changed
这会发生变化
Number 13
第13点
If you can't get in front door, go through back door
如果前门进不来 那就进后门
You know, for years, I couldn't get to Tonight Show
我有很多年都没能进入今夜秀
I auditioned, I auditioned, I just couldn't get it
我试演过很多次 但就是不行
You know why? I wasn't good enough
知道为什么吗 因为我不够好
Nothing personal, I wasn't good enough
没什么别的问题 就是不够好
So I did every second-rate cable bad talk show I could get my hands on
于是我接了很多能够接手的二线有线电视脱口秀
until I was good enough
直到我变得足够好
Don't pout and be a hole like I was when I couldn't pass a drama audition
在通不过喜剧试演时不要自暴自弃
Keep trying
继续努力
Number 14, you can only live in the time you live in
第14点 你只能生活在你所生活的时代
I had a young comedian come up one time and he said
曾经有个年轻喜剧演员跑来跟我说
you guys all came up during the golden age of comedy when it was easier
你们这些人都生活在喜剧的黄金年代 这让你们很容易成功
So what are you advocating? Time travel? Shut up your mouth
你想说什么 时间旅行吗 闭上你的嘴
