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The day I left home for the first time
我第一次离家到大学念书的那天
to go to university was a bright day brimming with hope and optimism.
感觉棒呆了，日子充满希望
I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high,
我学业表现不错，大家对我期望颇高
and I gleefully entered the student life of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft.
我也满怀期待地投入大学生活，上课、参加派对,喝醉了偷交通路标.
Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,
当然,事情不能只看表面
and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer,
就某种程度而言，上课和偷交通路标这些活跃又不服输的印象只是伪装
albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one.
但掩饰得很好，足以瞒过任何人
Underneath, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure and fundamentally frightened
只是我内心其实不快乐而且不安，骨子里很害怕……
frightened of other people, of the future, of failure and of the emptiness that I felt was within me.
怕其他人、未来，怕失败，还有内心的空虚感
But I was skilled at hiding it,
但我隐藏得很好!
and from the outside appeared to be someone with everything to hope for and aspire to.
外表看来就像是对一切都充满期待与抱负
This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete that I even deceived myself,
甚么都不怕的想法是如此彻底，连我自己都信以为真
and as the first semester ended and the second began,
所以念完一学期；而新学期开始的时候
there was no way that anyone could have predicted what was just about to happen.
根本没人能预料将要发生的事
I was leaving a seminar when it started,
当时已开始上课而我正要逃学
humming to myself, fumbling with my bag just as I'd done a hundred times before,
我边哼歌边收拾东西，动作一如往常熟练
when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe, "She is leaving the room."
这时传来一个冷眼旁观的声音:"她要走了"
I looked around, and there was no one there,
我四下张望，但根本没人
but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment was unmistakable.
那声音听来果断清晰，不可能是我听错
Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home, and there it was again.
我太震惊了，连忘在阶梯上的书都没拿就冲回家，但那声音又来了!
"She is opening the door."
"她正要开门"
This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.
就是这样开始的。这个声音在我耳边响起
And the voice persisted, days and then weeks of it, on and on,
并且持续不断，每天每星期地重复
narrating everything I did in the third person.
以旁观者的语气叙述我作的事
"She is going to the library."
"她要上图馆了"
"She is going to a lecture."
"她要去上课了"
It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while, strangely companionate and reassuring,
这声音起初毫无感情，但一段时间后却令人莫名熟悉与安慰
although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion.
但我的确发现，这表面平静的语调有时也会不经意地泄漏我隐藏的情绪
So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it,
就拿我常需要压抑愤怒这事来说吧!
which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt,
隐藏情绪这事我很在行的
then the voice would sound frustrated.
不过那声音就会因此听起来很气馁
Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing,
但其他时候，听来还不致令人不安
although even at that point it was clear that it had something to communicate to me
尽管这声音当时很明显地有事要对我说
about my emotions, particularly emotions which were remote and inaccessible.
尤其是我的情绪始终深藏不露的这件事
Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,
就在那时我犯了一个大错
in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified.
我把听到声音的说给一位朋友听，她吓坏了!
A subtle conditioning process had begun,
她开始不着痕迹地导正我
the implication that normal people don't hear voices
暗示幻听不是正常现象
and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.
而且我自己也觉得很不对劲
Such fear and mistrust was infectious.
这样的恐惧和疑虑是会传染的
Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore,
忽然那声音听来不再那么友善
and when she insisted that I seek medical attention,
当她坚持我必须去看医生
I duly complied, and which proved to be mistake number two.
我顺从地照做，但事后证明又错了!
I spent some time telling the college G.P. about what I perceived to be the real problem:
之后我找校医谈，说出我担忧的问题
anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,
像是焦虑、没自信和对未来恐惧
and was met with bored indifference until I mentioned the voice,
但对方没什么兴趣，也不在乎，但当我一提到，听见有人说话这件事
upon which he dropped his pen, swung round and began to question me with a show of real interest.
他立刻放下手中的笔，转过头来开始很关心地问了一些问题
And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,
平心而论，我当时非常渴望关切和帮助
and I began to tell him about my strange commentator.
所以我就把有一位"评论员"的事说出来了
And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said, "She is digging her own grave."
我深信当时那声音会说："她在自掘坟墓"
