评论
打印
You know what, why don't we check in with the presidential race?
我们来看看总统大选的新闻怎么样
Was there big news today for republicans or maybe me?
共和党 或者我 有什么大事儿发生吗
The race for the White House kicking off this morning,
总统竞选今日开始
Texas senator Ted Cruz announcing on twitter overnight that he is now running for president.
德克萨斯州的一员泰德·克鲁兹昨晚发推表示他将参选总统
The 2016 presidential season is now under way.
2016年总统大选正在进行
Let the race begin.
开始吧
Wait, now it begins the race?
等会儿 大选现在才开始
What have you been doing for the past 18 months?
那你们在过去的18个月里在做什么
What are we scamping around these people while they were brunching at billionaire clubs
当这些人在豪华的俱乐部里吃着早午餐
and deep-throating every Iowa pig farmer within yodeling distance.
给爱荷华州的猪农深喉的时候 我们看的是什么
That sentence had more funny words per sentence in it.
这句话里面有不少亮点啊
Deep-throating pig farmers, yodelling, you're not going to find a better funny sentence than that.
给猪农深喉 约德尔歌 你不会再见到比这有更多亮点的句子了
But all right, I guess, it started today with Cruz's announcement.
但是好吧 我猜今天的新闻就是从克鲁兹的声明开始的
Virginia's legendary liberty university, the conservative Christian school founded by Jerry Falwell.
弗吉尼亚的传奇自由大学是由保守党的基督徒杰瑞·法威尔创办的
Stakes were high.
风险很大
But Cruz's level of preparation, higher.
但克鲁兹的准备很充分
Cruz and his family did a walk-through at liberty university where he will give his announcement speech today.
科鲁兹和家人在自由大学里散了步 他今天还将在这所学校发表声明
Even practicing the waving and kissing.
他甚至还练习了挥手和接吻
I may owe Mitt Romney an apology.
我大概还欠米特·罗姆尼一个道歉
Even the Mitt Romney Tron 3,000 didn't have to rehearse waving and kissing.
罗姆尼都不用练习挥手和接吻
Okay, Jon. Okay. That is not fair at all. I mean, come on.
行了 囧 你那么说一点都不公平 拜托
Jon, that is not fair at all.
囧 你这样说不对
Sam and Jason what do you mean?
山姆 詹森 你们什么意思
Yeah, Jon, listen. No, no, no please.
囧 听我说 不用掌声 谢谢
Do you really—Jon, do you really think kissing between married people just happens naturally?
你真的——囧 你真的觉得夫妻之间接吻是自然而然发生的吗
I guess I did. I just thought—Oh my god, no.
是啊 我就是这么想——天呐 才不是呢
It takes years of practice.
要花好几年的练习才行的
All right, should we do it? Let's show him. Yeah. Okay. Oh.
行了 我们来表演一下 给他看看 好吧 噢
She always messes it up. Here it's like this. Okay.
她总是学不会 换个姿势吧 好吧
No. How long you have two been married?
不是吧 你们结婚多久了
I don't know, like a thousand years. All right.
不知道 感觉像已经有一千年了一样 好吧
Yeah, we should really practice second base. Oh okay.
我们还要练习一下二垒 好吧
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, it feels good.
嗯 凯 感觉不错
Not easy, Jon, not easy.
没那么容易的 囧 真的没你想的那么容易
Thank you, Sam bee and Jason Jones, everybody.
谢谢 各位 以上是山姆·贝埃和詹森·琼斯带来的表演
Have they been there making out the whole time and I didn't even notice it?
他们刚刚是不是一直在那 而我根本没注意到
And then its with time for the big speech.
接下来就是听演讲的时间了
Let's see how the liberty university students welcomed the senator.
我们看看自由大学的学生是怎么欢迎议员先生的
Whooo, the excitement, the passion.
喔 看看他们多激动 多热情
The Rand Paul T-shirts.
看看这写着兰德·保罗的T恤
All right, now that—that is somewhat awesome.
好了 接下来——这T恤很酷啊
But come on, guys, don't show up at the senator's big day wearing the other team's Jersey.
但是拜托 能不能别在参议员的这么重要的日子里穿别的队的衣服
If you don't want to be there, just don't be there.
如果你不想去 可以不去啊
The students were required to be here.
学生被要求必须到场
It is a weekly convocation that students have.
这是学生们的每周集会活动
Then carry on.
那你们继续吧
Of course no campaign launch would be complete without some weirdly third person autobiography.
当然了 一场竞选活动如果少了某个奇怪的不认识的人的自传 就是不完整的
Imagine another teenage boy, being raised in Houston,
想象有这样一个男孩 在休斯顿长大
heading off to school, over a thousand miles away from home at a place where he knew nobody.
离家千里去上学 学校里没有一个认识的人
Where he was alone an scared.
他在那里感觉到孤独又害怕
Dude. You went to Princeton.
兄弟 你上的是普林斯顿大学哎
Like I mean, don't make it sound like you got forced on to the train to Hogwarts.
不要搞得好像你被人逼着上了去霍格沃茨的火车好吧
Although that would have been the easiest sorting hat ever.
尽管你可能是最容易分类的那一个了
Slytherin, Slytherin it is.
斯莱特林 你应该去斯莱特林
But—Cruz, Cruz looked to the future.
但是——克鲁兹 克鲁兹看向了未来
I want to ask each of you to imagine, imagine a president who says I will honor the constitution.
我希望你们每个人都这样想象 想象有一位总统 他承诺会尊重宪法
Imagine abolishing the IRS.
想象他废除了国税局
Instead of a government, that seizes your e-mails, and your cell phones,
想象这样一个政府 它不会控制你们的邮件 电话
imagine a federal government that protects the privacy rights of every American.
想象这个政府保护每个美国人的隐私权
We get it, you are a fan of John Lennon and small government.
我们知道了 你是约翰·列侬的粉丝 还喜欢小政府模式
You're a small government conservative freedom good, big brother bad.
你是个小政府模式的支持者 你觉得自由保守好 独裁专制不好
Which makes the next part of the speech kind of unexpected.
这样一来我就猜不到接下来要讲什么了
I'm going to ask you to break a rule here today.
今天 我想请你们打破常规
I want you to turn to the person to your right and sodomize them.
我想请你们转向你旁边的人 给他舔
And to take out your cell phones.
拿出你们的手机
Oh, all right. Take out your cell phone.
哦 是拿出手机啊
Not as rebelious as I thought but okay.
不像我想的那么不羁不过也还不错
I hate to break it to you but those kids cell phones were already out. I'm not saying you're boring.
我本来不想说的 但是那些孩子们的手机都太过时了 我不是说你们很无聊
Let's just say you're more interesting on snapchat.
只是你们在snapchat上表现的更有趣吧
But the point is this—you were saying imagine, you know, they don't get your records,
但重点是——你刚刚说 国家不会拿到他们的通话记录
what are these liberty lovers supposed to do.
那这些自由爱好者要干嘛呢
Take out your cell phones.
拿出手机
Text the word constitution to the number 33733.
给号码33733发 宪法 两个字
Once again, text constitution to 33733.
再来一次 给号码33733发 宪法 两个字
The thing is, he never explained what 33733 is.
但问题是 他从来没有解释过33733是干什么的
He just wanted them to text it.
他只是想让这些学生发这条短信
So let me clarify this a little bit.
所以我来解释一下吧
Students at liberty university were required to attend a partisan political speech
自由大学的学生被要求参加一场政治演讲
where a small government conservative who had just promised he would respect privacy rights
一个支持小政府模式的保守党员保证他会尊重隐私权
told them if they cared about freedom, text your information to a mysterious address
却又告诉学生们 如果你们想要自由 就把你的信息发送到一个神秘地址
that collects your cell phone number for undisclosed purposes.
而这个地址为了某个路人皆知的企图 会收集你们的电话号码
Imagine all the people, we'll be right back.
想想看吧 精彩马上回来
