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And I was shocked and shaken to the core.
我震惊不已， 吓得不得了。
And I went through this roller coaster, because after they stabilized her, she went to the intensive care unit, and I hoped against hope that she would recover.
之后我的心情便像是做着云霄飞车一般， 因为当他们将她的情况稳定下来后， 便将她送进了加护病房， 我在绝望中希望她能够醒过来。
And over the next two or three days, it was clear that she was never going to wake up.
但在接下来的两三天中， 她再也不会醒来的可能性越来越大。
She had irreversible brain damage. And the family gathered.
她的脑部已经受到了无法逆转的损伤。
And over the course of the next eight or nine days, they resigned themselves to what was happening.
她的家人聚在了一起。 在接下来的八到九天里， 他们慢慢的接受了这件事实。
And at about the nine day mark, they let her go -- Mrs. Drucker, a wife, a mother and a grandmother.
在第九天，他们选择让她离开人间 -- Drucker女士， 一个家庭的妻子，母亲， 和祖母。
They say you never forget the names of those who die.
有人说你永远不会忘记那些 (因你的疏忽而过世的）人的名字，
And that was my first time to be acquainted with that.
而那是我第一次意识到这句话的现实。
Over the next few weeks, I beat myself up and I experienced for the first time the unhealthy shame that exists in our culture of medicine -- where I felt alone, isolated,
在接下来的几个星期内，我无比的沮丧，并第一次经历了那种在医学文化中存在的危险的羞愧感 -- 我觉得孤单无助。
not feeling the healthy kind of shame that you feel, because you can't talk about it with your colleagues.
这不是那种健康的羞愧感， 因为你不能和你的同事提起讨论它。
You know that healthy kind, when you betray a secret that a best friend made you promise never to reveal and then you get busted and then your best friend confronts you and you have terrible discussions, but at the end of it all that sick feeling guides you and you say, I'll never make that mistake again.
你知道健康的那种， 当你背叛了对挚友的承诺而说出了答应要保守的秘密，并被他知道了以后，你的挚友找你算账时，虽然你们会争执不休，但最后那层罪恶感仍然会主导你，你告诉自己，我绝对不会再犯同样的错误。
And you make amends and you never make that mistake again.
如是，你做了修正的承诺，然后你永不会再犯那样的错。
That's the kind of shame that is a teacher.
这种羞愧有着教导的作用。
The unhealthy shame I'm talking about is the one that makes you so sick inside.
而我所说的那种非良性的羞愧 会让你愧对于心。
It's the one that says, not that what you did was bad, but that you are bad.
它会对你说， 并非你做的是错的， 而是你根本就是坏人。
And it was what I was feeling.
这便是我当时的感觉。
