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Welcome, everybody. First, I want to say hello to everyone at home who's getting ready for bed
欢迎大家，首先我想对马上进入梦乡的朋友打声招呼，
and to all the students at Villanova who are still drunk from last night.
对维拉诺瓦的学生们打声招呼，昨晚喝的酒今天还没醒吧。
Hey, guys! Hey! Sleep it off. Sleep it off. That's right, everybody.
睡一觉就好了，睡一觉，好了朋友们。
The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top,
全国大学体育协会锦标赛昨晚结束，结果维拉诺瓦赢得了冠军，
and if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations. All of your co-workers hate you now.
关于疯狂三月的猜想，如果你赢得了办公室赌注，那么祝贺你，你的所有同事都在恨你。
You're not supposed to win. But Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan, 79-62.
你不应该赢，但维拉诺瓦确实非常出色，以79-62的比分击败了密西根。
I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime, all five starters left for the NBA.
我不是说维拉诺瓦狂妄自大，中场休息时，五名出场队员去了NBA。
They split, they already signed. They already got uniforms, everything.
他们分道扬镳了，已经签约了，他们有了新队服，所有的一切。
I saw that the Philadelphia police greased up all of the street light poles in Philly
听说费城警察将大街上的灯柱子都涂满了油，
all around, and all around campus ahead of the game to try and stop people from climbing the poles.
校园内部的所有灯柱子，防止人们攀爬。
That's interesting. I didn't realize that police officers were the ones that have to do that,
太有趣了，我真不知道警察要干这样的事，
but here's what a few Philly officers said about it before the game.
来看看费城警方在开赛之前都说了什么。
This one said in anticipation of fans getting rowdy, we're optimizing security, especially on the Villanova campus.
为了防止粉丝们躁动，我们加强了安全警备，特别是维拉诺瓦校园。
While this officer said I grease the poles, the light poles. I grease the poles real good.
另一名警察说我把柱子涂满了油，灯柱子，我的技术非常不错。
Then the first officer said we'll monitor the streets throughout the game, and close off areas we feel are vulnerable to destructive activity.
第一名警察说我们将在比赛期间管控所有街道，封锁所有容易遭到破坏的地区。
And this officer said I grease the poles. With Crisco, butter, oil, whatever can lubricate a pole. I'm a pole luber, I lube the poles.
那名警察说我将柱子涂满油，有酥油、奶酪和食用油，用上所有可以润滑柱子的东西，我是涂柱子高手，我涂抹柱子。
Just stop talking. No, we're good. Let's get to some news this week.
别说了，我们还好，来看看本周新闻。
President Trump has been sending angry tweets about Amazon for the way they run their business.
小特在推特上发火了，他对亚马逊的经营方式非常气愤。
And someone handed Trump some bubble wrap from an Amazon box and he forgot all about it.
有人给小特送来了亚马逊的气泡膜，他随后忘乎所以。
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, this is amazing! Can you hear it pop?
老天，太好玩了，你能听到泡泡的声音吗？
But after Trump attacked Amazon on Twitter, their stock fell by 5%.
就在小特在推特上攻击亚马逊以后，他们的股票降低5%。
It's all part of Trump's plan to get Amazon stock to match his approval rating. Boy!
这正是小特的计划，这就可以和他的支持率持平了，哦哦。
I guess Trump's claiming that Amazon cost the U.S. postal service too much money.
我猜小特会认为亚马逊花了美国邮政不少钱。
Trump loves the post office, except every time he licks a stamp, he makes them sign a nondisclosure agreement.
小特喜欢邮局，除了每次在舔邮票时，他会让他们签署保密协议。
So you have to understand...Hey-oh! It's better to be safe than sorry. Hey! Make it go away!
你明白的，哦哦，安全第一，不要冒险，让它走开。
Just make it go away. I saw that, later this month, Trump will host Japan's Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, at Mar-A-Lago.
让它走开，听说本月下旬，小特将在海湖庄园会见日本首相安倍晋三。
If you don't remember, Abe is the guy who did this after shaking hands with Trump.
如果你忘了，我来提醒你，安倍曾经在和小特握完手后有这样的表情。
Watch this. Watch his face. Yeah, he shook his hand, yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy.
来看看，看看他的脸，他和他握手，哦哦。
Oh, ba-ba-ba-boy. All right, yeah. Right, we got this over with? Oh! Hey! Shinzo Abe.
哦哦，没错，我们完成了吗？安倍晋三。
So Trump doesn't want that to happen again, So he's been reading up on Japanese culture to impress Abe.
小特不想让这样的事情发生，所有他学习了日本文化，以此来让安倍感受一下。
He's even released a video. This is nice. Take a look at this.
他甚至推出了视频，来看看。
Being President of the United States, I've learned so much about Japan.
作为美国总统，我学习了许多与日本有关的东西。
I can even use some of their most popular words. For example, anime.
我甚至会说他们的语言，比如动漫。
I've fired several members of my cabinet, anime fire more.
我解雇了多名内阁成员，可能会动漫更多。
Sumo. I spoke to my lawyers and they said I can't afford to Sumo people.
相扑，我和律师进行了会谈，他们说我没法相扑别人。
Udon. I tried to kiss Melania, but she said Udon.
乌冬面，我想要亲吻梅拉尼娅，但她说乌冬面。
And, finally, soba. My staffers say that working for me makes it hard to stay soba.
最后一个荞麦面，我的员工说为我工作让他们很难坚持荞麦面。
Isn't that nice? Isn't that nice? He's trying, He's trying to learn. Yeah. I think it's great!
太棒了不是吗？太棒了，他正在学习，太棒了。
He just wants to learn. I think that it's great. Yeah.
他开始学习了，太棒了。
I saw that six of Trump's cabinet members have been questioned about improper spending.
听说小特的六名内阁成员被叫去问话，问题与支出不当有关。
Trump was shocked. He said, I still have six cabinet members? How is that possible?
小特非常惊讶，他说我还有六名内阁成员？ 这怎么可能？
Listen to this, a student at Central Michigan University performed CPR on a squirrel that was found drowning in a campus pool.
听听这个，中央密歇根大学学生为松鼠进行心脏复苏，她是在水池里发现的它。
Even more strange, as she was doing the CPR, the squirrel was winking at his friends.
更奇怪的是，当她进行心脏复苏时，松鼠还对它的朋友使眼色。
And, finally, I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer.
最后，听说澳洲一对夫妻将GoPro运动相机放在了狗身上，而没有请婚礼摄像师。
In the end, he got great shots of everybody's crotch.
最后，他得到的照片只是所有人的裤裆。
It was fantastic. We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
今晚的节目很精彩，掌声送给紫金合唱团。
