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Let's get to some jokes here, everybody.
来听听今天的笑话。
It just came out that next month President Trump and Vladimir Putin are planning to meet in Paris.
刚刚有消息说，下月小特计划在巴黎与普京会面。
Putin says he looks forward to discussing nuclear weapons while Trump said
普京说他期待着讨论核武器，而小特说，
OMG! I think he's gonna propose. Mrs. Donny Putin.
老天啊，我以为他要向我求婚，唐尼·普京女士。
That's right. Trump and Putin are meeting in Paris on November 11th,
没错，小特和普京将在11月11日在巴黎会面，
which is just five days after the midterm elections.
也就是中期选举结束的五天后。
Apparently, Putin told Trump, I want to get paid for my work in person.
显然，普京告诉小特，我为你工作的那部分钱应该给我了吧。
Heh heh heh. Thank you. That's right, the midterms are coming up, and last night,
呵呵呵，谢谢，没错，中期选举将要来临，昨晚
Trump held a rally in Houston. He said it was so crowded that 50,000 people outside couldn't get in,
小特在休斯顿举行集会，他说集会太拥挤了，五万名支持者无法进场，
but the Houston police said that there were only 3,000.
但休斯顿警方却说只有300人。
Then Trump said Fine. We'll call it an even 70,000. 70,000.
而小特说好吧，我们扯平了，7万人吧，7万人。
But Trump was there to campaign for Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
但小特是来为德州参议员泰德·科鲁兹站台的。
Here's a photo of the two of them embracing at the rally. There you go.
这是一张两人在集会上拥抱的照片，来看看。
Looks like a son trying to help his dad up from a chair.
看起来很像儿子帮老爹从椅子上站起来。
I got you, pop. I saw that today Melania Trump hosted an event for 6th graders at the White House
我帮你起来，听说今天梅拉尼娅在白宫为六年级学生举行活动，
to mark National Bullying Prevention Month. It was going well until the President walked in and said,
纪念全国预防欺凌月，在小特进来之前一切进展顺利，
Sorry, I didn't realize there was a loser convention happening in here.
他说对不起，我不知道这里正在举行失败者大会。
Byeee. Oh, this is big, tonight was the drawing for the 1.6-billion-dollar Mega Millions jackpot.
呵呵，这个是大消息，今晚抽出了百万乐透头等大奖，16亿美金。
If your annoying co-worker shows up 15 minutes late tomorrow,
如果你想惹恼同事，你只要明天晚到15分钟，
you'll be like Thank God! I was worried you'd won. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
你可以说感谢上帝，我还在担心你赢了大奖，我没法处理了。
Before the drawing, the New York Post made a list of things New Yorkers could do with 1.6 billion dollars.
在抽奖之前，《纽约时报》公布了一些纽约人中16亿美金以后的愿望表。
For instance, they could buy The Islanders or part of the Mets,
比如说，他们会购买纽约岛人冰球队，或是部分纽约大都会棒球队，
or they could sublet a one-bedroom apartment for two months.
或者将一居室公寓转租两个月。
No hot water. Hey, I just read that 7-Eleven is recalling their taquitos due to a possible salmonella outbreak.
没有热水，听说7-11正在召回塔基多斯美食，原因是很有可能爆发了沙门氏菌。
Experts aren't 100% sure because the effects of salmonella are the same effects of eating taquitos, so...
专家称并不完全确定，因为沙门氏菌的影响和食用塔基多斯一样，所以...
I heard about a new study that found that not working out is even worse for your health than smoking.
听说新研究表明，不锻炼甚至比抽烟更有害身体。
When they heard that, Americans were like, Great. Smoking it is.
当人们听说后，美国人说那就抽烟吧。
