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I love football. I started playing when I was 12 years old.
我热爱橄榄球，从12岁开始就打橄榄球。
It has been a dominant presence in my life ever since.
自那时起，橄榄球在我的生命中就有了举足轻重的地位。
From youth football, to high-school, and college, and now as a coach.
我从少年一直打到高中，再到大学。而现在，我是一名橄榄球教练。
Football has played a huge role in shaping me as a person.
橄榄球对于塑造我的人格有重要作用。
Recently, I achieved my dream job of becoming varsity line coach at my high-school alma mater.
最近，我实现了自己的职业梦想，成为了我高中母校的一名橄榄球教练。
Last March I was at a coaching clinic. It was late in the afternoon and I was tired.
去年3月，我在一家辅导所当教练。有一天，快到晚上了，我很累。
These coaching clinics can tend to be a bit of a drag at times.
在辅导所工作有时候会很累。
Hours and hours, and days and days of the presentations on the x's and o's of football.
日复一日，年复一年的报告都是跟橄榄球的各种战术有关的。
There was one presentation, though, that looked interesting. It was titled "Disneyland."
不过，也曾有一次报告很有趣，报告的名字是《迪士尼乐园》。
This presentation changed my life. This talk was not about the x's and o's of football.
这次报告改变了我的人生。它的内容并不是关于橄榄球的各种战术，
But rather about the emotional truth of why we coaches coach.
而是关于我们为什么要为教练做培训，内容十分有代入感。
We are coaches so that we can have a meaningful impact on young people's lives, and help them become better people.
我们是教练，可以轻人的生活产生有意义的影响，可以帮助他们成为更好的人。
As coaches, we want to have the kind of impact that assure that one day
作为教练，我们想要产生的影响是能保证有朝一日，
our players can hold hands with their children and walk into Disneyland.
我们的球员能牵着自己孩子的手去迪士尼乐园。
The moral of this incredible message was this:
这条信息的寓意是：
as coaches, we can preach to our players that it is more important for them be better people than it is great football players.
作为教练，我们可以向球员灌输一个思想，对于他们来说，成为更好的人比成为更好的球员更重要。
But if we are not honest with them and do not practice what we preach, it will never work.
但如果教练不能对他们坦诚相待，不能言传身教的话，就永远不会产生效果。
In other words, teenagers are adept at sensing bullshit.
换言之，青少年们一眼就看的出教练是不是在扯淡。
As coaches, we must be willing to share our truth.
作为教练，我们必须愿意分享事实才可以。
And sharing our truth is the only way we can have the kind of impact we truly want to have.
而分享事实是唯一一种方法，只有这样，我们才能获得想要的效果。
The coach who gave this presentation, his truth was that his son became a drug addict
而那天那次报告的主讲教练也讲了一个事实，他的儿子吸毒上瘾。
due to the bullying and pressure he was subjected to from his dad being the head football coach at his school in Eagle, Idaho,
而他的儿子之所以成为瘾君子，是因为受到了父亲的不对等的对待和施压，因为他的父亲是爱达荷州伊格尔一所学校的主教练，
a program that at the time was not very successful.
那个项目那时候还不是很成功。
I went from a presentation on how to run the power against a 3-4 defense
我从讲解如何应对3-4防守阵型的演讲，
to the most honest, emotional and inspirational talks on coaching philosophy I'd ever heard.
转向了最真诚、最有感情、最给人以启发的演讲，即教练的哲学。
So it got me thinking. What's my bullshit?
这引发了我的思考。我讲的是什么鬼？
What is unique about me that I bring to the table that will have a meaningful impact? What is my truth?
我有什么独特之处能拿出来讲，并产生有意义的影响？我的真实故事有什么？
My truth is this. I'm a former college football player. I'm a current high-school football coach.
我的真实故事是：我在大学时期曾是橄榄球运动员，而现在是一名高中橄榄球教练。
And I am gay. I battled with this truth for a long time.
还有——我是同性恋。对于这个事实，我自己也抗争了很久。
Personally, professionally and certainly in my coaching and athletic career.
无论是从我自己的角度、职业生涯的角度还是教练和运动员生涯的角度，我都抗争了很久。
It was an identity crisis that had a tremendous impact on my life.
这是一场身份危机，对我的人生有重大影响。
Long before I heard this presentation on Disneyland I thought about coming out in football.
很久以前，在我没听过这场有关迪士尼乐园的演讲时，我想过公之于众。
In the beginning, I told myself "You're gay and you will take it to the grave."
一开始的时候，我跟自己说“你是同性恋，这个秘密只能带到坟墓里去。”
Now, I've come a long way since that day. Thank you. Thank you.
现在距离那时候已经过去了很久。谢谢大家，谢谢。
I've come a long way since that day, but the process almost cost me my life.
我走了很远的路，但这个过程差点让我殒命。
I chose to come out to family and friends starting in August of 2014.
从2014年8月开始，我选择跟家人朋友坦白。
I told my immediate family first, and then I carefully picked my way through family and friends,
我先是告诉了自己的直系亲属，然后我小心翼翼的遴选家人和朋友，
trying to choose the right time and place.
选择合适的时间和地点，一个个地告诉他们。
Only being part way out of the closet meant that I had to be two different people
走出自我封闭的状态，意味着我不得不变成两个不同的人，
and always be very aware of where I was and whom I was with.
总是要提醒自己现在在哪儿、跟谁在一起。
It caused a constant state of panic and anxiety.
这会让我有持续的恐慌和焦虑感。
So the question became, "Is it important for me to come out publicly?" Yes it is, and here is why.
然后我就问自己一个问题：“公之于众对我来说重要吗？”重要，原因如下。
My time in-and-out of the closet helped my realize that there are other people in my situation. And it is not a pretty one.
我曾封闭自己，也曾走出去与他人相处，这段经历帮助我意识到还有其他人跟我在一起。这个作用是巨大的。
It also helped me realize that coming out is not about sharing my bedroom habits,
这样做还能帮助我意识到，对他们坦诚并不是分享我在家的习惯，
but about giving myself permission to live my life in its entirety. Let me explain.
而是允许我自己活出自我。我来具体解释一下这句话的意思。
After talking to one of my fellow coaches, he told me:
在跟我的一位教练同事聊天过后，他告诉我：
"I don't talk about my sex life with players, why would you?"
“我不会把性生活跟我的队员们分享，你为什么会这样做？”
And it's a legitimate question, but a common misconception about coming out.
这不是法律问题，而是对于解放自我普遍存在的误解。
Again, I'm not talking about my sex life. I'm talking about my life.
我想重申的是，我讨论的并非自己的性生活，而是只是生活。
It's often said that your private life is your private life.
大家总是说，私生活就是私生活。
But imagine you are put in a situation where going virtually anywhere
但大家可以想象一下自己处于一种这样的环境：无论是去哪里，
and doing very normal, healthy, human activities with your significant other
无论是做什么事情，哪怕跟对你重要的人是正常、健康的活动，
could have substantial consequences on your life, reputation and career.
这都会对你的人生、名誉和职业生涯产生重大影响。
You gain a very new perspective on what your private life actually is.
你会对自己的私生活有一个全新的理解。
That's how being in the closet affected my life.
这就是自我封闭的经历对我生活的影响。
It was quite literally a closet. No space, no freedom and no comfort.
它实际上很封闭。没有空间，没有自由，没有舒适感。
It's a suffocating lifestyle with measurable effects.
这种生活方式让人窒息，影响巨大。
It wore me down until eventually I was abusing alcohol and prescription medications to keep my anxiety in check.
这种生活方式让我感到疲惫，最后，我只能靠酗酒和吃药才能控制焦虑的情绪。
It was a horrible time in my life.
这段时间是我人生的灰暗期。
When you are put in a situation of having to live a double life,
一旦一个人只能带着双面面具生活，
it strips you off dignity and normal coping mechanisms.
就会失去尊严，没有正常的应对机制。
At that time the only place I felt somewhat safe was at home.
那时候，唯一让我感到安全的地方就是家里。
I was living with my parents, who had been nothing but supportive,
那时候，我跟父母一起生活，他们对我只有无言的支持，
but I did not feel comfortable bringing guys around them yet. So there I was.
但我还是不习惯把朋友带到家里来。所以那时候的我就是这样。
No safe place, no place to be myself,
毫无安全感，无法做自己，
facing a new lifestyle I did not know how to navigate, the anxiety and depression were inescapable.
新的生活方式让我不知所措，而焦虑感和压抑感又让我无处遁形。
And I responded the only way I felt I could at the time. Drugs and alcohol.
我能想到的唯一应对办法是吃药和酗酒。
Football teaches so many great life lessons to those who play or coach.
橄榄球给运动员和教练都上了很多有意义的人生大课。
Perseverance, toughness, respect, self-esteem.
橄榄球教会我们如何坚持不懈、坚韧尊重又自重。
But the one negative thing that it does teach is that being gay is not OK.
但橄榄球也教会我本人一件事，同性恋不是罪。
To be frank, the word "faggot" is used almost as much as the word "football."
说实话，同性恋这个词出现的频率不次于橄榄球。
There is a misconception about the prominence of gay men in football, and it has serious consequences.
大家对打橄榄球的男同性恋有误解，而这样的误解会产生严重的后果。
I'm the perfect example of this issue. An all-state player in high-school.
我就是一个很好的例子。我高中时就打橄榄球，
A two-year varsity captain among a select few in school history to go play for a top tier division 1 football program.
我是学校历史上鲜有的、在大学线上执教2年又参加了顶级橄榄球项目的教练，
The youngest line coach in the history of the school.
也是学校历史上最年轻的教练。
And I was ready to kill myself.
而我，居然曾经想要轻生。
Because I thought that even though this program was like a second family to me, I feared they would shun me.
因为我觉得即便这个项目就像我的第二个家，但我还是担心大家知道我是男同后会躲着我。
It was a crushing weight that I was carrying with me all the time.
这是我心里的一块大石头，一直没有落下。
Months and months of sleep deprivation, severe anxiety and depression.
无数个夜里，我无法入睡，我处于深深的忧虑和抑郁中。
And honestly, a lack of the will to live began to catch up with me. It was too much.
说实话，我轻生的念头一直紧紧缠绕着我，无法散去。
I was desperate for a way out. Any way out.
我急于寻找出口，任何出口都行。
One night I reached for a bottle of vodka and a couple of pills. I didn't see a way out.
有一天晚上，我的手伸向了一瓶伏特加和几粒药，但我还是没有看到出口。
I just wanted it to be over. If I couldn't be me and still live my life, what was the point?
我只希望这一切都能结束。如果我不能做自己，我就无法活下去，那生活的意义在哪里呢？
I passed out on the bathroom floor, and my mom found me. I was fortunate to wake up the next day.
我在浴室门口昏倒了，是我的妈妈发现了我。我很幸运，第二天就醒过来了。
I escaped an overdose. It was the scariest moment of my life.
那一次，我服用药物过多，幸而没有出事。这是我一生中最恐惧的时刻了。
When I woke up the next day, I knew I really wasn't ready to give up.
我第二天早上醒来的时候，就知道我还没有做好准备，我还不想放弃。
And when I heard that talk on Disneyland, I knew how, when and why it was important for me to share my story.
而当我听到了迪士尼乐园的那次演讲时，我终于知道我要在何时以怎样的方式来分享自己的故事，以及分享故事为何对我很重要。
I worried for so long about how the football community would react.
我担心了很久橄榄球社群会对我的故事作何反响。
And while at this point only time will tell, my experience has given me a theory. It's simple.
现在只有时间能告诉我答案。我的个人经历只是理论而已，简单得不能再简单。
One day, being gay in football will be normal.
有一天，在橄榄球队承认自己是男同会成为正常的事情。
But in order for that to happen, those of us who are gay need to stand up and own it.
但为了让这一天到来，作为男同的我们需要站起来努力。
The coaches I know are perfect examples of this.
我认识的教练都是敢于争取的人。
I have been met with nothing but love and support from my fellow coaching friends.
我的教练朋友们都用爱支持着我。
But now the challenge is to change this. And not just on the private level.
但现在的挑战是改变现状，而不只是改变我的个人境况。
The odds of a gay teen or young adult abusing drugs, alcohol, or experiencing anxiety, depression,
青少年中吸毒、酗酒、焦虑、抑郁
or even attempting suicide are drastically high.
甚至轻生的比例非常高。
When it comes to football, the social norm that we've created leaves many without hope.
在橄榄球这个领域，社会规范让很多人毫无希望可言。
We've made incredible progress in the equal rights movement under the law.
平权运动凭借法律的武器已经实现了巨大的进步。
But now we must tackle a different problem.
但现在我们必须解决另一个问题。
Social equality and the message we send to young people who play football.
社会不平等和我们传达给年轻球员们的信息。
Continue to use sports to inspire, connect and to share a positive message.
我们要继续用运动来启发、连接并分享积极的信息。
A healthy person cannot live life in the dark.
健康的人在黑暗之中也无法生活。
And if you are out there, stand up and own it. Thank you.
如果你正处于这样的境地，就站起来努力抗争吧。谢谢大家。
