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Being kind will get you far in life.
善良友好会让你在人生的道路上走的更远。
When you can go beyond the ego, you are able to break free from self-absorbed habits that can damage your health.
当你可以超越自我时，你就能够从有损健康的自我专注习惯中解脱。
But swing on the other side to extremes, and too much kindness can just be destructive.
但走向另一边的极端会让你摇晃不定，过多的善良也可以是具有毁灭性的。
Family and marriage therapist Darlene Lancer says that people-pleasing habits start from your childhood.
家庭婚姻治疗师达琳·兰瑟表示取悦讨好的习惯是从童年开始的。
If you feel like you always had to accommodate to others,
如果你总感觉需要适应别人，
it may have stemmed from your parents who withheld love from you, forced impossible expectations on you, and practice unfair ways of disciplining you.
这或许源于你的父母，他们保留了对你的爱，给你强加了不可能的期待并使用不公平的方式管教你。
Does this sound like you? Here are five signs you are a people pleaser.
你听起来像你么？以下是你是一名讨好者的五点迹象。
1.) You agree with others because you're afraid of conflict.
1. 因为害怕冲突，你会同意别人。
Do you have different political beliefs from your friends that you keep to yourself?
你会保留与朋友不同的政治信仰么？
Or go along with the family tradition, even though you hate it?
或者即便你不喜欢，也会遵照家庭传统？
If you agree with others just for the sake of making others feel happy, consequently, you run the risk of making yourself feel uncomfortable.
如果你只是为了让别人开心而同意他们，那么结果你就会让自己不开心。
You might end up losing friends when you state your honest opinions, or get into domestic quarrels.
当你表达出自己的真实想法时，你可能会失去朋友或者会发生争吵。
But this can be beneficial in the long run.
但是从长期来看，这是有利的。
You can find out who your true friends are by showing your real self, and take an active part in decision-making with your family.
通过展现真实的自己以及积极参与和家人的决策，你会发现哪些是真朋友。
Remember, being passive easily results in dissatisfaction when your thoughts aren't being heard.
记住，当你的想法不被倾听时，被动会轻易导致不满。
But practicing self-expression helps you feel more self-assured about your values and ideals.
但自我表达可以帮助你对自己的价值观和理念更加自信。
2.) Saying no is a challenge for you.
2. 说‘不’是一个挑战。
Are you constantly busy because you're always taking on more than enough projects?
你是否总是忙于承担超负荷的任务？
Pause for a second, and ask yourself, when was the last time you allowed yourself a good break?
暂停一下，问问你自己，你上一次好好休息是什么时候？
It's great helping someone reach their goals, and show people you are a reliable worker, friend, and colleague
帮助别人达到目标，向别人展现自己是一名值得信赖的职员、朋友和同事，这很棒
but your dreams, goals, and health matter, too.
但是你的梦想、目标和健康也同样重要。
It doesn't make you a bad person if you want to cancel plans over the weekend, or make time to get your own work done first.
如果你想取消周末计划或是想首先完成自己的工作，这么做并不会让你成为一个坏人。
3.) When you help others out, you feel more resentful than fulfilled.
3. 当你帮助别人时，你的厌恶感大于满足感。
Research shows that practicing compassion can give you a sense of purpose, and make you feel more connected to your community.
研究表明同情会给你一种使命感，并让你感觉自己和这个团体更加紧密相连。
But when you do it to a point where it burns you out, you might want to retreat for a bit, and reflect on what's not working.
但当你做到一定程度，精力被耗尽之时，你可能想要撤退并反思什么是哪里出了问题。
Psychotherapist Sharon Martin advises you to pay attention to whether you are doing things out of true desire or because you feel obligated.
精神治疗师莎伦·马丁建议大家注意自己做这件事是出于真实的意愿还是因为你觉得有义务这么做。
4.) You're incredibly hard on yourself.
4. 对自己及其严厉。
When parents are overbearing and have high demands for you, it puts you at a higher risk of being a people pleaser.
如果父母比较专横且对你要求较高，那么你就很有可能成为一名讨好者。
Does this sound like you? When you make mistakes, you don't cut yourself slack, and strive for perfection instead of progress.
这听起来像你吗？当你犯错时，你没有放松自己，而是追求完美而非进步。
Psychologists Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill define perfectionism as an irrational desire to achieve,
心理学家托马斯·库兰和安德鲁·希尔将完美主义定义为对成功的无理渴望
along with being overly critical of oneself and others. When you don't embrace your failures,
以及对自己和他人过度的挑剔。如果不去拥抱自己的错误，
you will never learn resilience and the central life skill to have. Focus on your strengths instead, and practice mindfulness.
你将永远学不会心理弹性以及生活的技能。多关注自己的优点并修习正念。
5.) You pretend like you're doing all right when you're actually hurting on the inside.
5. 心里受伤时，你会假装一切没事。
When you experience all the previous points mentioned,
当你经历以上所有点时：
overextending yourself to others, being hard on yourself, and agreeing with others just to avoid conflict,
为他人承担过多义务、对自己严厉以及为避免冲突而同意别人，
it makes it difficult for people to reach you when you aren't vulnerable enough to state your true feelings.
那么在你无法表述自己的真实感受时，别人很难接近你。
Bottling your emotions up instead of openly talking about them can prevent you from forming authentic connections.
隐藏自己的情感，不向他人述说，这样会阻碍你形成真实的联系。
Is it really worth keeping everyone happy when this only sustains artificial relationships?
如果让每个人开心只能维持虚假关系，那么这么做值得么？
Remember this the next time you want to hide your disappointment.
下一次你想隐藏自己的失望时，请一定想想这句话。
When was the last time you did something without feeling the pressure to please?
上次你不为讨好别人而做事是什么时候？
Want to learn how to stop negative thoughts? Check out our video here. Thanks for watching!
想了解更多关于如何停止负面想法的知识？点击此处视频。感谢收看！
