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We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject, which is, of course, taxes.
我们先来聊聊大家最喜欢的话题 纳税
Over the weekend Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to the New York Times
上周唐纳德·特朗普的私人税务文件被泄露给了纽约时报
showing that in the year 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars.
文件显示1995年特朗普少申报了9.16亿美金
I know. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial.
我理解你们的心情 1995年唯一一个比特朗普这个还尴尬的是辛普森杀妻案的检察团
He lost a billion dollars.
他们少申报了10个亿
Right now Gary Busey is like hold up, wait,
听到这 加里·布塞说 等等
didn't you fire me on celebrity apprentice for losing the snap challenge?
难道你在明星学徒上面骂我不是因为输了SNAP游戏吗
We actually have footage of the Clinton campaign finding out about this tax story.
我们这里还有克林顿竞选团队知道这件事之后的反应的视频
Now nobody knows where this leak has come from.
目前还没有人知道文件是从哪里泄露出去的
But some are suggesting that the source of the leak was Trump's wife—no, not that one.
但有人在暗示说消息源是特朗普的妻子——不对 不是这个
No, not that one either. It was—
也不是这个 是那个——
There we go, that's the one.
没错 这个才是
Right, now many people think it was Trump's ex-wife Marla Maples who leaked the taxes as revenge.
现在很多人觉得是特朗普的前妻马拉·梅普尔斯泄露了这份文件 目的是复仇
Like even Beyonce was like now that is making lemonade.
甚至碧昂斯都觉得 这大概就是苦中作乐吧
And these aren't the only leaked documents Trump has to worry about.
这些还不仅仅是特朗普需要担心的被泄露的文件
Because I don't if you saw this, Julian Assange the founder of Wikileaks is scheduled
不知道你们有没有看过这条 维基解密的创始人朱利安·阿桑奇将会在接下来的24小时内发出通知
to make a big announcement in the next 24 hours where he said he will release documents
届时他会放出一些对两个候选人都不利的文件
damaging to both nominees, people are calling it the October Surprise.
人们把这一活动称作十月惊喜
Which I don't like as a name. I don't.
我不太喜欢这个名字 真的
October Surprise the most ominous title we can give this?
难道十月惊喜就是我们能想到的最不吉利的名字吗
Like October Surprise doesn't sound sinister,
这名字听起来还不够凶险
it sounds like your aunt's recipe for a squash casserole.
感觉像是你阿姨给南瓜焖菜起的菜名
I add a little nutmeg.
我在里面加了肉豆蔻哦
Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
阿桑奇说他手里有关于唐纳德·特朗普和希拉里·克林顿两个人的秘密
And that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates,
这个秘密将会大大的改变两位候选人在民众心中的印象
to which Americans replied wait, you mean it's going to make us like them?
对于此 美国人民表示 等等 你的意思是这消息会让我们喜欢上他俩吗
Now he was originally going to make this announcement from the balcony of the Ecuadorian
他本来是要在位于伦敦的厄瓜多尔大使馆的阳台上说出这个消息的
embassy in London but has since rescheduled it.
结果他只说时间改了
I can't believe he rescheduled the October Surprise.
我不敢相信居然十月惊喜的时间他都改
You can't reschedule a October Surprise, Julian, that would be like me texting my wife
朱利安 十月惊喜的时间是不能改的 你这就像我跟我妻子发短信说
going hey, honey, your surprise birthday party has been moved to Saturday. Linda has a thing.
亲爱的 你的生日惊喜派对改到周六了一样 琳达有件事情
But the truth is, all of this might not even matter.
但实际上 也许这些都不重要
And I don't want to alarm you, but I just learned that an alert has been issued to all of Los Angeles
我不想吓你们 但是我刚收到对全洛杉矶的警告信
that a catastrophic earthquake is statistically more likely to appear in the next few days.
说数据显示 一次那个大型地震很有可能会在接下来几天发生
Did you just do this? What are you happy about?
你刚做这个动作了吗 你在开心什么
Do you know what an earthquake is? Let's just get it over with.
你知道地震是什么吗 别在意 继续吧
Just get it over—no, no, Reginald, no! That is not the attitude.
别在意——不 雷金纳德 你这态度不对啊
Because one of the geophysicists who studies the San Andreas Fault was quoted to say
有位研究圣安德烈亚斯断层的地球物理学家说
there is significant stress stored on the southern end, right.
南端有一股巨大的压力
Now I really want to make an ass joke there, but honestly, I'm too terrified.
这里我其实特想讲一个笑话 但是说真的 我太害怕了
I can't think of one.
一个笑话都想不起来
Because if you're worried at home, I'm telling you this this
因为你们是在家里担心 而我们此刻正站在两个好几吨重的
while we're all standing under two tons of dangling studio lights.
演播室大灯下面
Don't worry, we put extra duct tape on of every single, it's going to be fine.
别担心 我们在每个角落都特别贴了胶带 会没事的
Now in all seriousness, I do actually have to tell you this, if there is a disaster,
现在我非常严肃的跟你们说 如果灾难真的发生
we have to make sure that we in the studio are prepared and have a plan, okay?
我们要保证演播室的大家有所准备 我们要有计划 明白吗
So here's what we have to do and I'm serious, in the event of an earthquake,
所以我们就这样做 我是认真的 如果地震发生
everyone here in the studio, you you must do three things.
演播室在座的各位 你们要做三件事
You must remain calm, put your hands over your head, so we see that, hands over your
保持冷静 把手放到头顶上 把手放在头顶上
head and then put your head between your legs, like the brace position.
把头放到两腿之间 就跟防撞的安全姿势是一样的
That's right. And do you that.
对 这样做
And you stay in that position until I am out of the studio.
然后保持这个姿势 直到我安全出了演播厅为止
Just keep the exits clear, after that do whatever you want. I don't care.
保持安全通道畅通 我走了之后随便你们怎么办都行
