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It sure is spooky out here tonight.
今晚肯定是阴森恐怖的夜晚。
When I'm spooked, what makes me feel better is telling scary stories. I got a really scary story.
当我被吓到时，让我感觉好起来的是讲述恐怖故事，我真的有恐怖故事。
Do you know the one about the man with the hooked hands?
你们知道那个钩子手的男子吗？
No, no, not those kinds of stories. Real scary stories. How real are we talking? Like, real-real or real-real-real?
不不，不是这种故事，真的恐怖故事，有多恐怖？比如真真，或是真真真？
Real-real-real. I'll go first. This one will send shivers down the curvature of your spine.
真真真，我先来，这个故事将让你弯曲的脊椎都在颤抖。
Years back, there was an old barn up on the hill, and there was a wedding in that barn.
几年前，山上有一间老谷仓，谷仓里举行了婚礼。
And I was invited as a plus-one. I didn't know a single soul there. That's not even the worst part.
我被邀请成为了额外的一个，我一个人都不认识，这不是最严重的。
The worst part was...they weren't serving alcohol!
最严重的是，婚礼上不提供酒精。
I had to talk to people, yeah. Who does that? I peed a little in my pants.
我必须向别人说，没错，到底是谁干的？我的裤子尿湿了。
Okay, all right. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Sorry. But I have an even scarier one. What?
好吧，好吧，好吧，对不起，我有一个更恐怖的，什么？
This one will chill you to the bone. It was my birthday.
这个将让你的骨头都颤栗，那天是我的生日。
A guy at work said, Hey, happy birthday. And then? I said, Thanks. You too.
我的一位同事说，生日快乐，然后我说，谢谢，你也是。
That's a soc...That's a social faux pas. It's true. A so-faux pas. Yeah. Okay, you think those are scary? Okay.
这个很...这个有点失礼了，真的，有点失礼了，好吧，你们认为那个恐怖？好吧。
I was once on a date with a guy. I know. Weird, right? He seemed normal, you know?
我有一次和一个男子约会，我知道，很奇怪对吗？他看上去很正常，你知道吧？
But out of nowhere, he said something that will haunt me until the day of die. No.
但是不知为啥，他说了一些我一辈子都觉得恐怖的事情，不。
Yeah, I can sometimes hear it at night. What'd he say? He said... I hope you like vape tricks.
没错，我晚上时长会听见，他说了啥？他说，我希望你喜欢电子烟表演。
Oh, my gosh. I have... Oh, my gosh...chills. Oh, my gosh. And then he did vape tricks. No, no! Oh, my God.
老天，我真的，老天，冷飕飕的，老天，然后他上演了电子烟表演，不不，老天。
With the rings and...Yeah, and I've seen them. Oh, no. Oh, gosh! Terrifying. That is so scary. So bad.
还有戒指，我看到了，哦哦，老天，太恐怖了，太害怕了，太恐怖了。
I can do you one worse. Last year, I had gingivitis. That's not the scary part. Ah!
我还有一个更恐怖的，去年我得了牙龈炎，这不是最恐怖的，哦哦。
Anyway, I went for a checkup recently, and the dentist said, Looking good. I can tell you've been flossing.
然后呢，我近期去做了检查，牙医说看起来还行，我看到你一直在用牙线。
And I looked right at her and I said.. No, don't say it! I can't... I said, You too. I did it again. I did it again.
我径直看着她，我说，不要说，我没有，我说你也是，我又这么说了，我又这么说了。
Similar... Similar scary. Similar scary stories. It was the double scare. Wow.
类似的恐怖，类似的恐怖故事，再次恐怖，哦哦。
This one I have for you is so scary, the only person I ever told it to was my therapist.
我要讲的更恐怖，我唯一告诉过的人是我的治疗师。
After that, she quit the biz and became a judge on Dancing with the Stars.
然后，她不再当治疗师了，成为了一名《与星共舞》裁判。
Anyway, one day...I was walking down the street. And, so, I saw someone waving at me.
不管如何，一天，我走在街上，我看到有人冲我招手。
So I waved back. Then I realized, he was actually waving to someone behind me, so I pretended to be directing traffic.
然后我对他招手，然后我发现，他向我身后的人招手，我假装在指挥交通。
I stayed and directed traffic for three hours. And I've gone back there to direct traffic every day since just to keep up the charade!
我站在那里，指挥了三个小时交通，然后我每天回到那里指挥交通，只是想把戏做下去。
No! I did. No! That's nothing. My skin's a-tinglin' just thinking about this spooky tale.
不，我真的，不，这没什么，我皮肤的刺痛感只是在想这个恐怖故事。
Settle in. I'm settled. The other day, I coughed, but it sounded like a sneeze. Whoa!
适应起来，我准备好了，有一天我咳嗽，但听起来我在打喷嚏，哦哦。
So someone turned to me and said, Bless you. Then I turned to them and I said... Let me guess. You said, You too.
有人转过来对我说，保佑你，然后我对他们说，我说，让我猜一下，你说你们也是。
No. I said, Oil me up, daddy. It's dinnertime, and I'm a little soup boy. Chompa, chompa.
没有我说，老爸给我抹上油，现在是正餐时间，我是一个爱喝汤的小男孩，巴巴，巴巴。
Hey, is there something we can do for you?
嗨，有什么可以为你效劳的？
You guys want to see a bunch of sunset pictures I took on my phone?
你们想看看我手机上照的几张日落照片吗？
