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I wrote and illustrated a children's book. It's called "The Serious Goose". It comes out tomorrow.
我写了一本儿童读物并配了插图，叫《严肃的大鹅》，明天出版。
All the money I make from the book goes to children's hospital here in and children's hospitals across the united states.
我用这本书赚到的钱都会捐给洛杉矶的儿童医院以及全美国的儿童医院。
The book is dedicated to my little ones, Jane and Billy.
这本书是为我的两个孩子简和比利写的。
I call my daughter goose. It's her nickname. The book was inspired by that.
我叫我女儿“小鹅”，这是她的小名，这本书就是以此为灵感写的。
And when I got a copy last week, we set up some hidden cameras in my office
上周我拿到这本书的时候，我们在我的办公室里安装了一些隐秘的摄像机，
and I read the book to them and now I will read it to you too. Here it is. "The Serious Goose".
我把这本书读给他们(我的孩子们)听，现在我也要读给你们听。来看看——《严肃的大鹅》。
Hi, Billy. Hi, Jane. What's this? What's the name of this book?
嗨，比尔。嗨，简。这是什么？这本书叫什么名字？
Serious Goose.
《严肃的大鹅》
What's it called?
它叫什么？
Serious Goose by Jimmy Kimmel.
《严肃的大鹅》——吉米·坎摩尔。
That's right. Thank you, Jane.
对的。谢谢简。
Are you excited?
你兴奋吗？
Yeah.
嗯。
Tell your face.
你的面部表情出卖了你。
Just read it.
赶紧读吧。
Okay. You ready, Billy? What are you eating?
好的。你准备好了吗，比利？你在吃什么？
Orange.
橙子。
An orange? Okay. All right. Here we go.
橙子？好的。好的，我们开始吧。
Stop listening to us and pay attention to the book and read it.
不要听我们说话了，把注意力放在书上赶紧读吧。
Okay. Sorry.
好的，抱歉。
I need more orange.
我还要橙子。
You need more oranges? Okay. Soon as I read the book I'll get you another orange, okay?
你还要橙子？好的，我把这本书读完就再给你拿一个橙子，好吗？
I'll be right back.
我马上就回来。
You'll be right back? Okay, you go get an orange and I'll start reading the book.
你马上就回来？好的，你去拿一个橙子，我要开始读这本书了。
"The Serious Goose". Here it is.
《严肃的大鹅》，开始吧。
This is a…
这是一只……
serious goose.
严肃的大鹅。
There is nothing silly about this goose. Do not even try to be silly around this…Goose.
这只大鹅很聪明，不要想着对这只大鹅做坏事。
You like it already? This goose will not smile at all. Not even if you put a chicken on her head.
你已经爱上这本书了吗？这只大鹅不会笑，就算你把一只鸡放它头上。
Nothing. Even if you were to dress this goose as a moose. Zilch.
没有什么能让这只鹅发笑，就算你把它打扮成鹿鸭，它也不会笑。
Even if you order a pizza.
就算你点了披萨。
What does "zilch" mean?
“zilch”是什么意思？
Zilch means "zero, nothing".
“zilch”的意思就是“零，什么都没有”
Topped with delicious snails. No smile. This goose means business, serious business.
在它头上放上美味的蜗牛，它不笑。这只大鹅很严肃，非常非常严肃。
No one can make this goose smile.
没有谁能让这只大鹅发笑。
What does this say?
这个怎么念？
No one. What's that, you say? You think you can do it? Ha!
念“no one(没有人)”。你说什么？你觉得你能让它笑？哈！
No. It's like this. Ha!
不对，你应该这么说。“哈！”
Ha. You think you can make this goose smile?
哈。你觉得你能让这只大鹅笑出来？
There is no way you can make this goose smile. No one can.
你不可能让这只鹅笑，没有人能做到。
This is a no-smiling goose.
这是一只不苟言笑的大鹅，
But go right ahead. Look in the mirror and give it a shot. Make funny faces. Let's see what you've got.
但，往前看，照照镜子，试试看，做各种鬼脸，看看我们能看到什么。
Stick out your tongue and make your ears wiggle. Act like a monkey.
伸出你的舌头，扭动你的耳朵，模仿猴子。
This goose will not giggle. Cluck like a chicken. Moo like a cow.
这鹅不会吃吃笑、像鸡一样咯咯叫、像牛一样哞哞嚎。
What are you doing?
你在干嘛？
I'm doing this.
我在做这个动作。
Oh. Be goofy, be doofy, any way you know how.
哦！模仿傻子，模仿傻子，模仿你知道的各种傻子。
However you do it, it won't be enough. This goose isn't silly.
不管你做什么都没用，这是一只聪明的大鹅。
Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.
咕、咕、咕、咕、咕。
This goose is too tough.
这只大鹅太固执了。
Ga, ga, goo, ga, ga? What? See! I hate to say I told you so.
嘎、嘎、咕、嘎、嘎？什么？看！我讨厌说“看吧，我早就知道是这样”。
But this is exactly what I knew would happen.
但这正是我所预料的。
Good try, though. You were very funny.
不管怎样，做得好，你看起来很搞笑。
Most geese would have laughed so hard eggs would be coming out.
大部分的鹅都会铆足劲儿了笑，这样它们才能把蛋下出来，
But not this goose. This goose will never, ever…
但这是一只特立独行的大鹅，这只鹅永远、永远……
Uh-oh. What is this? Billy, what's happening?
哦唷，怎么了？比利，发生了什么？
I don't know.
我不知道。
Something is happening to this goose.
有什么事情正发生在这只大鹅身上。
He smiled! He smiled!
他笑了！他笑了！
He smiled? No. This can't be. Stop being so silly. This is a serious goose.
他笑了？不，不可能。别傻了，这是一只严肃的大鹅。
Do not make the goose smile. Oh, no. This is terrible.
不要让这只大鹅笑出来。哦，不，太可怕了。
By the power vested in me by the order of serious geese and gooses
以我所拥有的权力，以严肃的鹅儿们的命令，
I hereby command you to stop amusing this goose.
我在此命令你停止逗这只鹅笑。
Wow. The goose is really giggling.
哇！这只鹅真的在咯咯笑。
He's happy.
他很开心。
He's happy. This is not such a serious goose after all. In fact, this seems to be … a silly goose.
他很开心。它根本就不是一只严肃的大鹅，其实它是~一只大傻鹅。
Thanks to you. You are a silly kid.
谢谢你，你是一个傻小孩。
He's wearing a heel and a boot.
他穿着高跟鞋和靴子。
He's wearing a heel and a boot.
他穿着高跟鞋和靴子。
You'll be hearing from our attorneys.
我们的律师会来找你。
The end.
完结。
Look at the camera.
看摄影机。
Yeah, there's a camera right there.
是的，有个摄影机在那里。
Hi.
嗨。
Say "hi", Billy.
说“嗨”，比利。
Hi.
嗨。
So guys, all the money that I make from this book goes to children's hospital,
所以伙计们，我用这本书赚到的钱都会捐给儿童医院，
Where Billy got his heart surgery and children's hospitals around the country. What do you think about that?
比利在那里做了心脏手术，以及全国各地的儿童医院。你意下如何？
You like that, Billy? You do.
你喜欢这样做吗，比利？你喜欢。
You like that, Jane?
你喜欢吗，简？
Mm-hmm.
嗯嗯。
"The Serious Goose". What's this called?
《严肃的大鹅》，这本书叫什么？
Serious Goose.
《严肃的大鹅》。
Right.
正确。
"The Serious Goose" by Jimmy Kimmel. That's him, my dad.
《严肃的大鹅》——吉米·坎摩尔，就是他，我爸爸。
