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Hi, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in to The Tonight Show. I really appreciate it. What a show we have tonight, honey...
大家好，谢谢观看今天的今夜秀节目，我非常感谢，我们今晚的节目将很精彩...
all the people here tonight. Pierce Brosnan, Nicole Richie. We have Will Ferrell. We have Kristen Wiig. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
我们今晚的嘉宾有，皮尔斯·布鲁斯南，妮可·里奇，还有威尔·法瑞尔，克里斯汀·韦格，嗯嗯。
We have Blackpink on the show tonight. The biggest...that's like the biggest pop group in the world right now. It's amazing. Amazing, fun show.
今晚还有韩国女子演唱组合“Blackpink”，估计是全球最大的流行乐团体了吧，很棒，超棒的节目。
A lot to get into. Let's get to some jokes. Well, guys, the coronavirus is still spreading across the country,
有许多可以关注的，先来看看笑话，朋友们，新冠疫情依然在全美蔓延。
and it feels like we're actually going backwards. Yeah, things are so bad, the White House decided to get the band back together.
感觉我们倒退了，没错，事情变得很糟糕，白宫决定把这一撮人重新聚集在一起。
For the first time in two months, the White House Coronavirus Task Force held a briefing in Washington this afternoon.
下午，白宫新冠疫情特别小组两个月来首次在白宫举行介绍会。
Yeah, you can tell it's been a long, stressful two months because Dr. Fauci opened the briefing by lighting up a Marlboro Red 100.
嗯嗯，你可以相见那是多漫长，多有压力的两个月，因为福西医生通过点燃一只万宝路来开始介绍会。
Questions? That's right, they finally got together. I had no idea, but Trump actually assembles the task force by blowing into an empty jug of bleach.
问题？没错，他们最终聚在了一起，我不知道，特别小组是小特通过向一个空漂白剂罐子里面吹风组建的。
Task force? Yeah, Mike Pence talked about what's being done to control the virus, then immediately after, Trump gave the rebuttal.
任务小组？没错，麦克·彭斯谈论了控制疫情的方法，小特立即给出了反对意见。
We're not doing any of that. No, this is not a debate. There's no rebuttal. Sorry, guys. Everyone go home.
我们没有这么做过，没有，这不是谈论，没有驳斥，对不起，朋友们，所有人回家。
Just turn his mic off. It was an interesting briefing.
把他的麦克风关掉，这是一次有意思的介绍会。
Pence kicked it off with a moment of silence for all the approval rating points Trump's lost in the past three months.
彭斯先开始让大家进行默哀，为了纪念那些小特在三个月内失去的支持率。
Can we see the Coronavirus Task Force from earlier today? They look like the world's saddest barbershop quartet.
我们能看看今天早间的新冠疫情特别小组吗？他们看上去很像全球最悲伤的理发店四重唱。
Everyone in the photo is wearing a mask except Pence. He's just reminding you that he's the bad boy of the group.
照片上所有人都戴了口罩，除了彭斯，他只是在提醒大家，他是这些人当中最坏的。
Look, the Trump administration has failed to control the pandemic, but hopefully now they're waking up and doing the right thing.
看，小特政府没能控制住疫情，但庆幸的是，我们现在醒来了，我们正在做对的事情。
Let's see what they've been working on. The Trump administration formally asking the Supreme Court to overturn the Affordable Care Act.
来看看他们都做了什么，小特政府正式询问高院推翻奥巴马医改。
Now, if successful, this could leave up to 23 million Americans without coverage.
如果成功了，这会让高达2300万美国人没有医保。
Even the coronavirus is like, That ain't right. I mean, look, I've been with you guys. I'm giving you...but that's just...
就连新冠病毒都要说，这么做不对，看看，我一直陪在人类身边，我给你的是....
It's cruel, it's insane. They want to take away health care in the middle of a pandemic.
是残酷，是疯狂，他们想要在疫情期间就拿掉医保。
Even worse, they also want to take away Netflix, puzzles, and toilet paper. Well, good luck with this pandemic, everyone.
更严重的是，他们还想拿走奈飞流媒体，拼图和厕纸，嗯嗯，祝疫情好远吧，朋友们。
Meanwhile, yesterday Joe Biden was asked what he would do differently regarding the pandemic if he were president.
与此同时，昨天拜登被询问如果你当总统，你会如何应对疫情的问题。
Here's what he had to say. The one thing we do know, these masks make a gigantic difference.
他会这么说，我们都知道，这些口罩创造了不同。
I would insist that everybody on public be wearing that mask. Anyone to reopen would have to make sure that they walked into a business that had masks.
我会坚持让所有人在公共场合戴口罩，所有重开的店铺都要保证顾客是戴口罩进入的。
Masks are for our safety. Biden shouldn't have to say any of that stuff. It's like begging the public, please wear oven mitts
口罩让我们安全，拜登不应该说这些事情，这好似在恳求公众，请戴上微波炉手套，
when taking out a casserole out of an oven. Please, just like...
当你从微波炉中拿炖锅菜时，请这样...
Well, guys, the 4th of July is right around the corner and it looks like Trump plans on celebrating the holiday with a fireworks spectacular at Mount Rushmore.
朋友们，7月4日即将到来，看似小特会在拉什莫尔山国家纪念公园放烟花来纪念。
It will be fun when Trump gets to Mount Rushmore and says, This is beautiful.
这肯定会很有趣，小特来到纪念公园，然后说太美了。
Now where do I put the quarters so they sing? All the presidents on Mount Rushmore are excited about the fireworks show...well, except for Lincoln.
我们把四重唱的人放哪里呢，这样他们就可以唱歌了。所有纪念公园的总统都会对烟花感到兴奋，除了林肯。
What was that? You're kidding me, right? Looks like Trump isn't the only one traveling,
那是什么？你在开玩笑对吗？看似小特不是唯一一个旅行的人。
as Mike Pence kicked off his Faith in America tour with his own rally in Wisconsin this week.
彭斯也开启了他的“美国信仰”旅行，本周来到了威斯康星州举行集会。
And judging by the commercial I saw, I think he's really trying to appeal to younger voters.
通过广告判断，我认为他试图吸引年轻选民。
Take a look at this. What's up, America? You ready to cut loose and let it all hang out this summer?
看看，怎么了美国？你们准备好放松，在这个夏天玩耍了吗？
Well, that's perfect, because Mike Pence is coming to your town on his Faith in America 2020 Summer Tour.
恩，完美，因为彭斯即将来到你的家乡，举办2020年名为“美国信仰”的夏季旅行。
Get ready to be totally rocked with wholesome low-key events for the entire family.
准备好为整个家庭准备一个健康低调的活动。
We're talking an all-you-can-drink water station. You will be so clear headed and hydrated, your parents will be calling you for a ride home.
我们说的是一个你能喝的水站。你会头脑清醒，变得水汪汪的，你的父母会打电话叫你回家。
We got the hottest merch to wear to church. Wrinkle-free button-down shirt? Hell, yeah!
我们有最热销的衣服去教堂。无褶皱纽扣衬衫？见鬼，是的！
I'll take one in white, one in off-white, and one in eggshell...all the colors.
我要一个白色的，一个灰白色的，一个蛋壳的...所有颜色的。
The first 100 attendees will also get official Mike Pence pants. Bitch, pleats!
前一百名参与者将获得官方的彭斯长裤，傻帽！
And then it's time to head inside a tightly packed space with no masks for the main event,
现在，我们可以进入狭小的空间，在不戴口罩的情况下参加主要活动，
a three-hour monotone speech by the big dog himself. It's the Faith in America 2020 Summer Tour. Get your tickets today. Yah!
参加彭斯这条狗三个小时的冗长演讲，这就是2020年“美国信仰”夏季旅行，今天就来获得门票吧。
