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My guest tonight is a brilliant comedian who finally lost his stand-up special virginity to a lucky lady named Netflix.
我今晚的嘉宾是一位才华横溢的喜剧演员 他终于把自己的处女作给了一位叫“网飞”的幸运女士
It's called Legalize Everything. It's streaming right now. Please welcome the great Eric Andre.
那就是《通通合法化》 正在流播 欢迎伟大的埃里克·安德烈
Thank you, Whitney Cummings. What up?
谢谢 惠特尼·卡明斯 大家好
This is...um...this is kind of intimate oddly. Because I've been doing Zoom dates in quarantine. But this is not a date anywhere.
有点……奇怪的亲密感 因为隔离期间我一直在Zoom上约会 但并不是一种约会
In real life? In real life?
在现实生活中吗 在现实生活中吗
I've been doing Zoom dates. I want you to know this is an interview for a talk show. This isn't a date.
我一直都有在Zoom上约会 我想跟你讲的是这是访谈类节目 不是相亲类节目
Wait, have you really gone on the Zoom date? Is that real?
等下 你真的在Zoom上约会吗？是真的吗
Many. Yes. Many.
经常 是的 经常
No. There is no way.
不 我不信
You haven't?
你没有过吗
I got a girlfriend.
我有女朋友啊
Okay. So...
好吧 所以……
I go on dates life.
我的生活就是约会
No, I've been doing Zoom dates which...I...it's better you can control your lighting.
不 我在Zoom上约会……这样比较好控制自己的光芒四射
And that point I would just want to get corona. Zoom dates, wow. What are we doing here?
你说的这一点只让我想到了日冕 Zoom约会 哇哦 咱俩搁这干哈呢
So I was talking to one of the producers that said you got your mom high recently. What's up?
我和一个制片人聊天的时候 他说你最近让你妈妈嗨翻了 发生了什么
Yeah. Uh, I smoked weed with my mom. She's 700 years old. There it is. Yeah.
没错 呃 我和妈妈一起抽大麻 她已经700岁了 就是这个 嗯
She's 700 years old and the last time she smoked weed was 1959.
她已经700岁了 她最后一次抽大麻是在1959年
She was like, I tried smoking grass in the 50s and it burned my throat.
她说：我在50年代的时候抽过烟草 结果把喉咙给烧伤了
And so...so she took...she took a fifty sixty year break. And now I'm gonna lit.
所以 所以她……她休养生息了五六十年 现在被我点燃了
How did it go with she? What kind of high was she?
后来她怎么样了 她是什么类型的嗨
She did not like it. She's like me. She's like, we would start to playing scrabble.
她嗨的点跟别人不一样 比较像我 她说我们要开始玩拼字游戏了
And then she got all busy and she was like, she went my mouth is dry. Is that part of the appeal?
然后她开始各种忙活 她说：我的嘴巴很干 这也是幻觉的一种吗
And then I gather some wine. She said: Give me my wine please. She likes 7-Eleven wine.
之后我拿了一些酒 她说：请把酒给我 她喜欢喝7-Eleven的酒
Sutter home. Don't knock it.
舒特家族酒庄 别太挑剔
Oh, yeah.
嗯 没错
And i...couple other questions: What who's on your shirt in that photo.
我还有几个问题 照片中你衬衫上的人是谁
In that picture Oprah.
那张照片是奥普拉(美国电视节目主持人)
Oprah, yes. If I was high and looking at a sweatshirt of Oprah, I feel like that'd be a very spiritual experience.
奥普拉 是的 如果我嗑嗨的时候看到运动衫上的奥普拉 我想那会是一次精神层次的体验
I want to go on a Zoom date with Oprah.
我想和奥普拉Zoom约会
You're special. I cringed. I screamed. I laughed. I was like gasping. It was so fun to watch.
你太特别了 我感到不安 我尖叫 我大笑 我喘气 太有意思了
You are too sweet.
你太可爱了
I'm not. I'm not. And you know I'm not.
我不可爱 我不可爱 你知道我不可爱
Sweetheart.
甜心
I want that...I want that Whitney robot money for my next special.
我想要 我想为我下次的特别节目收一下惠特尼机器人的钱
That's the kind of budget. You got real special budgets.
这是一项预算 你有了一项很特别的预算
... I was like, can I have two actors make out on stage?
我说：我可以请两个演员上台亲热吗
They're like, what do we man, money?
他们说：你要啥？钱？
I was like...Whitney get a robot of herself.
我……？？？惠特尼搞了一个机器人？？？
Yeah. There is a bit I don't want to give it away.
没错 还有一点我不想说出来
There is a bit of the special where you help an audience member work through their childhood trauma. I was screaming.
特别的一点就是 你可以帮助观众度过童年的创伤 我尖叫了
Thank you. How much was that robot? Where did you get that robot?
谢谢 那位机器人多少钱？从哪里搞到的？
Why you keep interrupting me? I meant to interrupt you.
为什么你要一直打断我 是我打断你才对
I just like to have a conversation. When you talk, I listen.
我只是喜欢聊天而已 你说话的时候我听着
This is very much zoon date is like by the way. See, it's a kind of fun.
这跟Zoom约会差不多 顺便说一下 看吧 多有意思
Do you Zoom...have you dated any comedians. You do not want to talk about that.
你跟喜剧演员Zoom约过会吗 你可能不想聊这个话题
I have not dated any comedians. No. I dated one that...
我没有和喜剧演员约过会 没有 我约过一个……
I have a strict never...i have a strict "Never did a comedian policy".
我有一个严格的“不搞喜剧演员”原则
No.
不
It's just like...it's like it's already like high school and I just don't want any...i want boundary. Never. Never.
就像……就像高中的时候 我不想要任何的……我需要有界限 绝对不可以 绝对
I am not try to date you. You don't...set this boundary with me. I'm not flirting with you. I'm not interested...
我并没有想和你约会好吗 你跟我设个什么毛界限 根本没有在勾搭你好吗 我对你不感兴趣……
I would never date a female comedian, ever.
我永远不会和女喜剧演员约会的 绝对不会
People are so obsessed with your show. People run up to me on the stream. They're like, do you know eric andre?
大家都很喜欢你的节目 他们都在流播上问我：你认识埃里克·安德烈吗
No, come on. You're a sweetie. Why would I lie to you.
别 别舔我 你太暖了 (我骗你干哈)
You're a sweetie.
你这个小甜心
Tell me what you are working at here?
跟我讲讲你在那里干嘛
So I got rid of all my body hair. I waxed my pubic hair. This is for the next season I did like a body transformation.
我把身上的毛都脱掉了 阴毛也脱了 这是为了下个季节 我要做一次形体转变
I spray tanned. I suntan. I gained 20 to 25 pounds. That's me at 205. I'm usually like 180 185.
我把自己喷黑 晒黑 我拿到20到25英镑 这是205度的我 我一般都在180、185度这个样子
And what else...i bleached my teeth. I wore like really nasty brute Cologne every day.
其他就是……我把牙齿漂白了 我每天都喷恶心得不行的古龙香水
Are you running from the law? What's going on? Are you gonna...
你是在逃避警方追捕吗 发生了什么 你是……
...make body transformation every season. And I also I'm getting recognized more often now.
我每个季节都会去做形体转变 我还是……我经常被别人认出来
So I wanted to look like been Vin Diesel come run over by a train.
所以我想让自己看起来像范·迪塞尔被火车碾过一样
I would like Vin Diesel when he takes time off between "Fast and Furious" movies.
我喜欢范·迪塞尔在几部《速度与激情》拍摄的空档休假时的样子
And he just gets all fat and italy. He's like smoking cigarettes on a balcony. That's what I want to look like.
他变得很胖 很意式 就像他在阳台上抽烟 这就是我想成为的样子
But he's just like, I'm between seasons. Give me a break.
他说：我在换季 给我一次休假
I...I love it when a man in hollywood gains weight. He's like a genius artist.
……我喜欢增肥的好莱坞男人 他就像一个天才艺术家
And when a woman gains weight, they just don't get to work anymore.
但是女人一旦增了肥 就失业了
I know. It's not fair.
我知道 这不公平
So i'll never do that.
所以我不会让自己长胖
Shirley Theron.
雪莉·塞隆
Shirley, it's a very good point.
雪莉 很好的例子
You're right. What woman did it? And she got the Oscar.
你说得对 女人们到底哪里做错了 但是她拿到了奥斯卡奖
Yeah. There you go.
对 你继续
That's what I need to do. Well, I love you. I could talk to you forever and hopefully i'll get to.
我就是我要做的 好的 我爱你 如果可以的话我能一直和你聊
But for now, these people are gonna murder me.
不过现在 这些人会吃了我
No worries. I love you so much.
没关系 我很爱你
Legalize Everything is true...nothing makes me laugh. I went emotionally numb years ago.
《通通合法化》真的……没有什么能引我发笑 几年前我就情感麻木了
And this is the only thing that brought me joy in years. Legalize Everything. It's streaming on Netflix now.
这是多年来唯一带给我快乐的东西 《通通合法化》 正在网飞流播
It is absolutely brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I love you, Eric Andre.
超级优秀的作品 超级优秀 我爱你 埃里克·安德烈
I love you too.
我也爱你
Get some new Wi-Fi. Thanks so much. ...
换个无线网吧 非常感谢……
