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When I was 15, I got my first professional audition.
15岁时，我参加了第一次职业试镜。
It was a commercial for cable subscriptions or bail bonds—I don't really remember—but what I do remember is that the casting director asked me,
那是一个有线电视订阅还是保释担保书的广告——我记不太清了——但我记得选角导演问我：
"Could you do that again? But just this time, sound more Latina."
“你能再演一次吗？不过这一次要听起来更像拉丁人。”
It took me most of the car ride home to realize that by "sound more Latina," she was asking me to speak in broken English,
在回家的路上，我花了很长时间才反应过来，她所说的“听起来更像拉丁人”，其实是让我把英语说的烂一点，
and I couldn't figure out why the fact that I was an actual real-life, authentic Latina didn't really seem to matter.
我不明白，为什么我是一个真实的、地道的拉丁人对她而言毫不重要。
Anyway, I didn't get the job. I didn't get a lot of the jobs people were willing to see me for: the gangbanger's girlfriend, the sassy shoplifter, pregnant chola number two.
总之，我没有得到那份工作。我没有得到很多人愿意看我演的角色：黑帮的女朋友、时髦的扒手、怀着二胎的拉美孕妇。
These were the kinds of roles that existed for someone like me, someone they looked at and saw as too brown, too fat, too poor, too unsophisticated.
这些都是像我这样的人身上所具备的特色，人们觉得我们肤色太黑、太胖、太穷、太单纯。
I kept receiving the same message again and again and again: that my identity was an obstacle I had to overcome, and so I thought, "Come at me, obstacle.
我一次又一次地接收到同样的信息：我的身份是我必须克服的障碍，所以我想，“放马来吧，障碍。
I'm an American. My name is America.
我是一个美国人。我就叫美国。
I trained my whole life for this. I'll just follow the playbook. I'll work harder."
我一生都在为此训练。我会照着剧本去演。我会努力工作。”
I stayed out of the sun so that my skin wouldn't get too brown.
我不晒太阳，避免皮肤变得太黑。
I straightened my curls into submission. I constantly tried to lose weight.
我把卷发拉直，让自己显得更顺从一些。我一直在减肥。
I bought fancier and more expensive clothes, all so that when people looked at me, they wouldn't see a too-fat, too-brown, too-poor Latina.
我买了更漂亮更昂贵的衣服，这样人们看到我，就不会觉得我是一个太胖、太黑、太穷的拉丁人。
They would see what I was capable of, and maybe they would give me a chance.
他们会看到我的能力，也许就会给我一个机会。
Just a few years ago, my agent called to explain to me why I wasn't getting a role in a movie.
几年前，我的经纪人打电话给我，解释为什么我没有拿到一个电影角色。
He said, "They loved you and they really, really do want to cast diversely, but the movie isn't financeable until they cast the white role first."
他说，“他们很喜欢你，他们真的、真的想要多元化的演员阵容，但除非他们先选白人角色，否则这部电影就无法获得足够的资金。”
I went through this process for years of accepting the failure as my own, and then feeling deep shame that I couldn't overcome the obstacles.
多年来，我一直把拿不到角色归咎于自己的无能，我为自己无法克服这些障碍深感羞愧。
But this time I heard a new voice, a voice that understood my tears and my pain were not about losing a job.
但这次我听到了一个新的声音，它知道我的眼泪和痛苦并不是因为失去了工作。
They were about what was actually being said about me—what had been said about me my whole life by executives and producers and directors and writers and agents and managers and teachers and friends and family—that I was a person of less value.
而是因为我听到了人们对我的真实评价——我一生中，听到的监制、制片人、导演、作家、经纪人、经理、老师、朋友和家人对我的评价——我是一个没有价值的人。
I couldn't change what a system believed about me while I believed what the system believed about me—and I did.
当我自己都深信这个社会对我的评价时，我是无法去改变它的——当年的我确实相信。
I, like everyone around me, believed that it wasn't possible for me to exist in my dream as I was, and I went about try to make myself invisible.
我和周围的人一样，觉得自己不可能像今天这样实现自己的梦想，我走来走去，想让自己隐形。
What this revealed to me was that it is possible to be the person who genuinely wants to see change, while also being the person whose actions keep things the way they are.
这件事告诉我，我可以成为一个真正想要看到改变的人，同时也用行动保持现状。
Change will come when each of us has the courage to question our own fundamental values and beliefs and then see to it that our actions lead to our best intentions.
当每个人都有勇气质疑自己的基本价值观和信仰，并确保我们的行动能达到最佳目的时，变革就会到来。
I am just one of millions of people who have been told that in order to fulfill my dreams, in order to contribute my talents to the world, I have to resist the truth of who I am.
成千上万的人接受的信息是，为了实现自己的梦想，为了向这个世界贡献我的才华，我必须抵触我是谁这个真相，我也是这样的人。
My identity is not my obstacle. My identity is my superpower.
我的身份不是我的障碍。它是我的超能力。
I, for one, am ready to stop resisting and to start existing as my full and authentic self.
就我自己而言，我已经准备好放弃抵制，接受完整真实的自我。
