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This is for those among us who are, secretly, very stuck
这是为我们当中那些秘密地深陷困境的人准备的
– that is, who are entirely committed to staying, wholly tempted to leave – and entirely unable to resolve their dilemma one way or the other.
——也就是说，他们全身心地致力于留下来，但又试图离开——而且完全无法以这样或那样的方式解决他们的困境。
We, the stuck ones, alternate between periods in which we manage to convince ourselves that it might after all be bearable
我们这些被困住的人，时而设法说服自己，这一切终究是可以忍受的，
and recurring crises when we acknowledge that we are – by remaining – well on the way to ruining the one life we will ever be granted.
时而又承认，如果我们继续下去，我们就会毁掉这唯一被赋予的生命。
Torn between intense shame and untenable claustrophobia, weak in the face of our conundrum, we may start to fantasise that someone or something else
在强烈的羞耻感和难以忍受的幽闭恐惧症之间挣扎，在面对难题时软弱无力，我们可能会开始幻想某人或某事
– a parent, the government, a war,an illness, a divine command – might magically resolve the problem for us;
——父母，政府，战争，疾病，神圣的命令——可能会神奇地为我们解决问题;
like desperatechildren, we hope against hope that somethingmight just show up.
像绝望的孩子一样，我们抱着一线希望，希望某些事情会出现。
But because it behoves everyone eventually– and with nothing remotely unkind being meant by this – to try to become an adult,
但因为最终每个人都应该努力成为一个成年人——这并没有任何不友好的意思，
that is a person who can alter their circumstances through their own agency, we may well benefit from a few ideas to strengthen our resolve:
成年人可以通过自己的力量改变环境，我们可以从以下几个想法中受益，以加强我们的决心:
For a start, we are here not because weare evil, fickle or just unlucky, but – atbase – because we had a bad childhood.
首先，我们来到这里，并不是因为我们邪恶、善变或只是运气不好，而是——从本质上说——因为我们有一个糟糕的童年。
This could sound like an odd place to begin and the tone may sound overly assured as well
这听起来可能是一个奇怪的开始地方，而且语气可能听起来过于自信
but the matter does appear desperately simple in structure, however impossible the repercussions can feel in practice.
但这一事件在结构上确实看起来极其简单，尽管在实践中可能会产生反响。
Anyone on earth can end up in an unhappy relationship.
地球上的任何人都可能以一段不幸福的感情结束。
But those who get badly stuck in them, those who cannot find the courage to have a difficult conversation and move on,
但那些深陷其中的人，那些没有勇气进行艰难对话并继续前进的人，
those who spend years feeling intensely ashamed of what they want and doubting their right to aim for anything more satisfying, these creatures are a particular subcategory of humans:
这些人多年来一直对自己想要的东西感到极度羞愧，并怀疑自己是否有权利追求更令人满意的东西，这些生物是人类的一个特殊子类:
they are the ones who, when they were little, never learnt the art of confident self-assertion,
他们是这样的人，在他们小的时候，从来没有学习过自信的艺术，
they are the benighted creatures who never felt they had a right – at points
他们是一群愚昧无知的家伙，在某些时候从来没有觉得自己有权利
– to tell others what they needed and to stick up for their vision of contentment whatever the short term troubles that might be entailed.
——告诉别人他们需要什么，无论短期内可能会有什么麻烦，都要坚持满足的愿景。
We, the stuck ones, were the good children, the under-loved ones, the ones who were scared of angry parents or overly anxious about fragile ones,
我们，那些被困住的孩子，是好孩子，是没人爱的孩子，是害怕生气的父母或对脆弱的父母过度焦虑的孩子，
those who too early on learnt to comply and obey, to worry about everyone else, to fit in and to smile
那些太早学会服从和顺从的人，学会为其他人担心，学会适应和微笑
– and now, decades later, the ones who cannot get up and leave because we would, at some level, and let’s be clear on the matter, rather than die than make a fuss.
——现在，几十年过去了，那些不能站起来离开的人，因为在某种程度上，我们会，让我们弄清楚这件事，而不是去寻死，也不是去小题大做。
But however appealling that can sound, the problem is that there’s a small part of us that won’t actually let us die like this,
但不管这听起来多么吸引人，问题是我们中有一小部分人不会让我们这样死去，
that’s why we’re here, a part of us that – awkwardly – refuses to shut up and be stifled, a healthy part of us that won’t let us continue without the kind of love, intimacy and closeness we crave,
这就是为什么我们在这里，我们的一部分人——笨拙地——拒绝闭嘴，拒绝窒息，我们健康的一部分人不会让我们继续下去，没有我们渴望的那种爱，亲近和亲密，
a part of us that is like a germinating seed with strength enough to move aside a one tone concrete slab in order to reach the light.
我们的一部分人就像一颗正在发芽的种子，它有足够的力量移开一块单一色调的水泥板，以接触到阳光。
We endlessly question the legitimacy of our aspirations. Is it fair to want what we want?
我们不断地质疑我们愿望的合法性。想要我们渴望的东西公平吗?
Is it normal to seek whatever it is that’s currently missing: more love, more intellectual stimulation, more friendship, more sex, more solemnity, more laughs?
去寻找那些现在缺失的东西是正常的吗:更多的爱，更多的智力启迪，更多的友谊，更多的性，更多的严肃，更多的欢笑?
We would, in a way, so love someone to tell us that we were plainly wrong.
在某种程度上，我们非常喜欢有人告诉我们，我们显然错了。
But the reality is that there can never be an objective measure in these matters.
但现实是，在这些问题上永远不可能有一个客观的衡量标准。
We want what we want and no amount of arguing with ourselves can make our appetites go away or fundamentally delegitimize our needs.
我们想要的是我们渴望的，再多的与自己争论也不能让我们的欲望消失，或从根本上使我们的需求失去合法性。
The way forward isn’t to call ourselves difficult and shut up – but to learn to honour and adroitly defend in front of others our own inner complexity.
前进的道路不是说自己难搞或闭嘴，而是学会尊重并熟练地在他人面前捍卫我们内心的复杂性。
However insane this will inevitably sound, anyone is allowed to find someone else’s offer of love to be – in the end – not their thing.
无论这听起来多么疯狂，任何人都可以发现别人的爱最终不是他们想要的。
We are, along the way, naturally, terrified of being alone.
在这一过程中，我们自然害怕独处。
In our minds, by exiting this relationship, we won’t be setting up a promise of a better arrangement in the future.
在我们看来，退出这种关系，并不能保证将来会有更好的安排。
We’ll be condemning ourselves to a lifetime of isolation.
我们这辈子都会因隔离而受折磨。
It’s a feeling of basic unworthiness and fundamental unattractiveness
这是一种基本的无价值感和根本的无吸引力的感觉，
that turns the prospect of singlehood from what it really is, a minor inconvenience, to what we are sure it must be: an ongoing and eternal tragedy.
它将单身的前景从一个小小的不便，变成了我们确信它必须是一个持续和永恒的悲剧。
We should, to calm ourselves, remember a rather dark but ultimately consoling truth.
为了让自己平静下来，我们应该记住一个相当黑暗但最终令人安慰的事实。
Though we may at present have someone to share a pizza with on Sunday evenings, we are, where it counts, already alone.
虽然我们现在可以在周日晚上和某人一起分享披萨，但我们已经是孤家寡人了。
What we fear might happen has already happened.
我们担心的事情已经发生了。
We won’t, by leaving, be aggravating our isolation, we’ll be taking the first proper steps towards ending it.
我们不会，通过离开，加剧我们的孤立，我们将采取第一步适当的步骤结束它。
Stuck people are agonised to the point of paralysis by the prospect of causing difficulties;
陷入困境的人会因为可能造成困难而痛苦到瘫痪的地步;
they possibly already have a lot of hesitation about asking strangers where the bathroom is.
他们可能已经对问陌生人厕所在哪里有很多犹豫。
So now they worry whether the partner would ever recover, what friends would say, how the family would deal with it…
所以现在他们担心伴侣是否能改变，朋友们会怎么说，家人会怎么处理……
The last thing that occurs to them is how much, in the end, everyone copes.
他们最后想到的是，最终每个人都能应付多少。
The frightening yet liberating truth is how little anyone actually cares.
令人恐惧但又令人解脱的事实是，实际上没有人在乎。
Even the hurt lover will recover – and come to appreciate the benefits of freedom as opposed to enduring a constant unmentioned emotional tourniquet around their heart.
即使是受伤的爱人也会恢复过来——并开始欣赏自由的好处，而不是忍受一个持续的、未被提及的围绕在他们心脏周围的情感止血带。
An orderly life is a beautiful and fine thing, but it can only ever be so when it sits on top of a flourishing relationship, rather than when it is fostered as an alternative to developing one.
有序的生活是美好而美好的，但只有当它凌驾于一种蓬勃发展的关系之上，而不是作为一种发展关系的替代选择而培养时，它才会如此。
It's Better to blow up a hom than continue in one unworthy of the name.
与其在一个不值得的地方继续下去，不如炸掉一个家。
The way to start getting unstuck is via a properly strange-sounding move: valuing ourselves a little more.
开始摆脱困境的方法是通过一个听起来很奇怪的举动:多一点重视我们自己。
Slowly, we must accept that the point of a relationship isn’t to suffer;
慢慢地，我们必须接受这样一个事实:一段关系的关键不是受苦;
that some things are necessary but fewer than we think – and that no one will congratulate us on our death beds for having thrown away our lives.
有些事情是必要的，但比我们想象的要少，没有人会在我们临终之际祝贺我们抛弃了生命。
We are not suffering because we need to, but because we have grown up to be people for whom suffering feels horribly and compellingly familiar.
我们之所以受苦，不是因为我们需要受苦，而是因为我们已经长大成人，已经害怕受苦而又对此感到咄咄逼人的熟悉。
We need to take the entirely unknown step of telling the world what we truly, truly want – and dare to believe that we might even one day get it.
我们需要迈出完全未知的一步，告诉世界我们真正想要什么，并敢于相信，我们甚至有一天可能会得到它。
Our know yourself cards can help us to better understand the deepest most elusive aspects of ourselves.
“自知牌”可以帮助我们更好地了解自己最深层、最难以捉摸的方面。
Follow the link now to learn more.
点击链接了解更多信息。
