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You suck at cooking, you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Hey, I bought a banjo. Today you're gonna need:
嘿，我买了把班卓琴。今天需要的东西有：
A bunch of kale, some cooking oil, sun-dried tomatoes and a garlic bulb, a little bit of salt and a lotta-bit of barbecue sauce.
一把羽衣甘蓝，一些食用油，日晒番茄干，一头蒜，一些盐，还有很多烧烤酱。
Lots and lots of barbecue sauce.
很多很多烧烤酱。
I'm just kidding around. You're actually not gonna need garlic.
我只是在开玩笑。其实不需要大蒜。
You have to be extra diligent when you wash kale, a bit more than any other leafy green. And it absorbs a ton of new age residue, so you really want to get in there and scrub.
洗羽衣甘蓝的时候要格外仔细，比洗其他绿叶子菜都要更仔细一些。它会吸纳超多新时代农药残留，所以一定要里里外外搓洗干净。
I came across this recipe years ago when I was shopping with a girl I was dating at the time, Paula.
我是很多年前和一个女孩逛街时发现这个食谱的，当时我在和那个女孩约会，她叫宝拉。
We were at the grocery store, and they were giving out samples of this and things didn't work out with us, but I mean I'm...I'm totally over it and it's for the best for sure.
当时我们在一个杂货店，店里有这道菜的试吃品，我和宝拉最后没谈成，但我是说……我完全不在乎这些了，这样肯定是最好的。
Take me back, take me back, Paula won't you take me back?
复合吧，复合吧，宝拉你不愿和我复合吗？
Wait. I meant...
等等，我本来想说……
Chop that kale, chop that kale, come on let's chop that kale. Don't matter how much, you don't need a scale. Come on everybody, let's chop that kale.
切甘蓝，切甘蓝，来吧一起切甘蓝。不管多少，不需要称，大家一起，来切甘蓝。
If you're wondering why you can't see my banjo, it's cuz I'm not a show off.
如果你在想为什么没看到我的班卓琴，那是因为我不是个爱炫耀的人。
The ratio of ingredients is: some kale, some garlic, and some sun-dried tomatoes.
食材的比例是：适量甘蓝，适量大蒜，适量日晒番茄干。
I'm getting a lot of flack for the knives I use, but a lot of people don't realize this company uses one of the strongest steel alloys and it...
我收到很多菜刀的宣传单，但很多人都没意识到，这家公司用的是最坚硬的一种钢铁合金，而且……
That's really frustrating
真的太让人失望了。
Fry it in the pan, fry it in the pan. Fry that kale up just as fast as you can.
在锅里炒，在锅里炒。把甘蓝放在锅里炒得越快越好。
Or just fry in a normal speed. Normal speed works great.
或者正常速度翻炒。正常速度也不错。
There's a lot of variations on this recipe with a lot of different ingredients, but one ingredient I refuse to use is poison. It's really tart and hard on my digestive system.
这个菜谱里的很多材料是可以变的，但有一种材料我不会用，就是毒药。这东西很辛辣，而且让消化系统很难受。
I'm going to put some salt on.
我要加点盐。
Probably should have done that earlier, but I don't know how to cook, so...
或许应该早点加盐，但我不知道怎么做菜，所以……
Mmm. I'm not sure if it's good or not but it's better than raw kale, I guess. Push comes to shove, you can just pour the barbecue sauce on it.
嗯，我不确定好不好吃，但我估计比生的羽衣甘蓝要好。没别的选择的时候，可以直接把烧烤酱倒在上面。
Anyway. Pan fried kale, pan fried kale, it's far more ethical than eating whale, a better experience than being in jail, or getting caught in a storm of hail.
总之。炒甘蓝，炒甘蓝，总比吃鲸鱼更良善，好过待在监狱里，好过冰雹把你拦。
I wish I could order it through email. Eat it everyday so you don't get frail. Pan fried pan fried pan fried pan fried pan fried kale.
多想用邮件点炒甘蓝。每天都吃炒甘蓝，身体棒棒不打颤。炒啊炒啊炒啊炒啊炒甘蓝。
