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The wreath is a very classic holiday decoration.
花环是非常经典的节日装饰品。
It represents eternal life or the roundness of circles or something like that.
它代表永生或圆形之类的东西。
And while its used a lot in Christianity, there is other religions that also incorporate the wreath
花环在基督教中大量使用，其他宗教也用花环，
such as Veganism, Stonerism, Pastafarianism, Scientologism, and Texanism.
比如素食教、薯片教、意面教、科学神教和得州牛肉教。
You suck at cooking, yeah you totatatatatotally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，弱弱弱爆了。
If you're going to make the Christmas crack, you want one cup of that.
要做圣诞饼干，大概需要一杯这种东西。
I didn't think that through.
我倒是没想过会这样。
Into a pot, one cup of packed brown sugar.
放进锅里，满满一杯黄糖。
For the scientists out there, that is a ratio of 1:1.
说得科学严谨一点，就是1：1的比例。
It doesn't have to be perfect, just like you.
用量不一定要完美，就像你也不一定完美。
That's going on the stove, just keep it moving so you don't burn it.
然后放在炉子上，不停翻动，这样就不会烧糊。
We are going to take two liquids and make them one sauce.
然后拿两种液体，做成一种酱汁。
To get into the Christmas mood you're going to want to decorate, but decorations don't need to be expensive.
要想进入圣诞节的氛围，需要一些装饰，但装饰不一定要很贵。
Instead of buying garland you can take some tinfoil and form it into a garlandy shape.
可以不用买花环，用锡纸卷成花环形状就行了。
Oh, its already feeling like Christmas!
哦，已经有圣诞节的感觉了！
Throw a couple splotches on there, make a patch of ice. Don't slip!
这里来几坨，假装这是一块冰，不要滑倒哦！
It is really easy to make a snowflake.
做雪花真的很容易。
You just fold a piece of paper a few times, cut some shapes around the edges. Also in the center.
只需要把纸对折几次，在边缘剪一些形状，中间也剪一下。
Then when you unfold it, it is perfectly symmetrical.
然后把纸打开，洞就是完全对称的。
Wooooah, that's not the spirit of Christmas, something went wrong there.
哇，圣诞节可不兴这样，剪纸出了点问题。
Get it right this time, you dumb snowflake.
这次一定要做对，你这个笨蛋雪花。
Alright that is enough snowflakes for this year.
好了，今年的雪花够多了。
If you don't have a mistletoe, just go with the classic Christmas stick.
如果你没有槲寄生，就用经典版圣诞木棍吧。
People don't do this much anymore, because if you get caught under it, it is not a kiss that gets you out of it. You have to get punched in the face.
现在已经不流行槲寄生了，因为如果你站在它下面，不一定有机会吻别人，而是会被揍一拳。
which is...not for everyone.
并不是每个人都喜欢挨揍。
You turn away, and then BOOM you got caramel.
离开一会儿之后，“嘣”，焦糖就有了。
So grab that piece of ice off the floor.
把地板上的那块冰拿起来。
So now we are going to graham cracker-malize this.
现在要把这个全麦饼干焦糖化。
It is sort of like a really easy, solve-able puzzle.
这有点像一个非常简单、容易解开的方块字谜。
This is not the time to be a badass and put one like that, okay?
这时候不要淘气，不要瞎变饼干的位置，好吗？
Its almost like this pan was invented by Jesus.
这个盘子就像是耶稣创造的一样规整。
And then, where its not going to fit, do your best to fill in the blanks. Merry Christmas!
然后，如果形状不刚好，尽你最大的努力把空隙填满。圣诞快乐！
If you used unsalted butter, make sure to add a little bit of sea salt.
如果你用的是无盐黄油，一定要加一点海盐。
Now put it in the onion on 350.
放进350华氏度的烤箱里。
So I put together this nativity scene here.
我摆了个耶稣诞生的场景。
We've got the three backpackers. They just arrived at the Air B&B.
这是三个背包客，他们刚到旅舍。
We've got the kid who wants to be a veterinarian when he grows up, with his horse and his pig.
这是一个小孩，他长大后想成为一名兽医，带着他的马和猪。
Then we've got a really modern family.
然后这是一个非常现代的家庭。
They had their first kid, he was super easy to raise.
他们有了第一个孩子，他非常好养活。
But they've got no illusions over how difficult it is having a second kid, so they're just going to chill.
但他们清楚地知道养第二个孩子有多不容易，所以他们只能算了。
Alright, before you have a second to think about it, you're chocolate chipping it.
好了，在你还没反应过来之前，把巧克力碎倒上去。
See how they melt immediately?
看，巧克力立刻就融化了。
See how that layer just comes together? It almost doesn't even matter what is underneath 'cause we're a shallow culture.
焦糖和巧克力完全融合，下面是什么几乎都无关紧要，因为我们的文化很肤浅，
And as long as the surface looks good, we're good.
表面看得过去，就万事大吉。
Now its topping time!
现在可以加料了！
Pecans are a timeless classic. Super obvious almonds.
碧根果是永恒的经典。当然还有杏仁。
If you want to be a hero, bake these in the oven for a few minutes and get them all toasty. Yes, that will taste better 100%.
要是想精益求精，就把这些放在烤箱里烤几分钟，把它们都烤熟。味道百分百会更好。
I am not a hero.
但我不想卷。
You can also take a bit of transcendental granola and be sure to waft some spirit wood smoke.
也可以加一点超越性格兰诺拉麦片，一定要熏一点木头的烟来注入灵气。
Or you can get creative with your sliced almonds and spell out a word.
或者也可以用杏仁片发挥创意，拼出一个单词。
I was going to try and spell out meatloaf, but honestly that feels a little ambitious for where I am at right now.
我本来打算写肉饼，但老实说，就这个空间，这个想法还是大胆了点。
Take some power stone crushed candy cane, and gently apply that to the surface.
拿一些用能量石砸碎的拐杖糖，温柔地把糖放上去。
Or take a stroopwafel, and make a shark fin, and have that sticking out to sort of scare people, and then add in a couple other pieces.
或者拿一个荷兰华夫饼，做一个鲨鱼鳍，把它伸出来吓唬人，然后把其他几块加上去。
If you want to speed up the cooling process, take an ice cube, waft the lower temperature toward the pan for about 3 hours.
如果想加快冷却过程，拿一个冰块，把冷气往盘子上扇大概三个小时。
So the tree. Thats a big part of Christmas.
然后这棵树，这是圣诞节的主角。
I didn't want to overwhelm the space this year, so I went with a medium sized tree.
我今年不想把家里塞得太满，所以我选择了一棵中等大小的树。
Backwards triangulate based...Oh! Where did that come from!
与后方形成掎角之势....哦，这是从哪里来的！
By the time you read this, I'll be dead.
你读到这封信的时候，我已经不在人世。
Some things in the world are better left unsaid.
世界上也有些话，最好不见于笔纸。
I didn't mean for that to rhyme.
我没打算让句子押韵的。
It sort of takes away from the gravity of the situation.
押韵会破坏严肃的气氛。
Know that I suffered greatly. Remember me always, uncle Mark.
你知道我受了莫大的苦，请永远记住我，马克叔叔字。
Oh uncle Mark!
哦，马克叔叔！
Oh my god!A new wang-jangler!
我的天啊!一个新勺子！
That's awesome!
太棒了！
Its time to give this a little try. Lets just cut it.
可以尝一下了，直接切吧。
Mmmmm, so it turns out that when you mix cookies, sugar, and chocolate together, it tastes good.
嗯，事实证明把饼干、糖和巧克力混在一起，味道非常好。
So that's a nice surprise.
这是一个很好的惊喜。
OK so we are getting ready for Santa, lets put out the cookies on the plate,
好了，现在为圣诞老人准备食物，盘子里放上曲奇，
The glass of milk, a shot of whiskey, a thank you note, a carrot pointing towards the tree,
一杯牛奶，一杯威士忌，一个表达感谢的纸条，指向圣诞树的胡萝卜，
bacon hung from the chimney with care, open can of tuna,
精心挂在烟囱上的培根，打开的金枪鱼罐头，
bedbug powder, wherever he's gonna walk, let's be serious.
除虫粉，只要他会走到的地方，都要认真对待。
Aaaaaand the piss bucket.
啊哈，还有尿桶。
I just want to wish everybody a very merry whatever you were raised with and/or evolved to after the fact.
无论你从小或之后信什么宗教，我只想祝大家今天快乐。
Yeah.
耶。
You suck at cooking, you totally suck, oh my god, you suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了，我的上帝，弱爆了。
You suck at cooking, yeah you totatatatally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
CAN YOU BE QUIET! God.
你能小点声吗？上帝啊。
