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I personally feel uncomfortable around conflict.
我个人在面对争论时，会感到不安。
Now, we're here today to find out how to argue.
今天我们要研究一下如何辩论。
But conflict is useful.
但争论是有价值的。
The question is, how do you deal with conflict the most effectively?
问题是，你要如何最高效地解决争论？
Here we go. I am author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally-Charged Conflicts.
开始吧。我是《协商不可协商：如何解决最情绪化的冲突》一书的作者。
Have you found yourself in an argument that felt so frustrating, so at a core aggravating?
你有没有发现自己在一场争论中非常沮丧、非常恼火？
That's the silliest opinion I've ever heard.
那是我听过的最蠢的观点。
It felt just nonnegotiable? Well, congratulations, you're a human being.
感觉绝对协商不了？恭喜你，你是个正常人。
We all experience conflict in our lives, and seeing what's going on in our world today, my hunch is you were probably having at least one of these conflicts about politics.
在生活中，我们都经历过争论，鉴于如今世界的现状，我觉得你在政治方面可能至少也存在一项争议。
Our country has fallen into what I believe is a tribal trap.
我觉得我们的国家已经陷入了部落陷阱中。
Anything that that other side says, I shall not believe, I shall not give any credibility to, and I'm gonna do everything I can to prove I'm right, you're wrong, and to stifle you down to raise me up.
只要是敌对方说的，我绝对不相信，也绝不会认可称赞，我会竭尽所能证明自己是对的，你是错的，并且踩着你往上爬。
The problem is not with the what, what are we arguing about, the problem is with the how.
问题不在于我们争论什么，而是如何去争论。
How should we argue? How can we be more effective?
我们该如何争论？如何才能更高效？
And what I've found is that there are three big barriers that we can actually overcome to have more effective conversations.
我觉得我们可以克服三大障碍，来让对话更高效。
The big things, one, identity, two, appreciation, and three, affiliation.
重要的三点，第一，认可；第二，欣赏；第三，归属。
Let's start with identity.
首先来说认可。
Now, first of all, this is a hot issue.
首先，这是个热门事件。
Why do we get so emotional in these conflict situations?
发生争论时，我们为什么会变得情绪化？
It often goes back to something deeper: identity.
这往往与更深层次的东西有关：认可。
What are the core values, the core beliefs that are feeling threatened inside of you as you're having that conversation with the other side?
与对方对话时，你内心什么样的核心价值、核心信仰感觉受到了威胁？
The moment your identity gets hooked in these conflicts, all of a sudden your emotions become a hundred times more powerful.
如果这些争论牵涉到你的认可感，突然间，你的情绪就会被放大上百倍。
Boy, this is a wholly different conflict now.
这下可是个完全不同的争论了。
It's now your pride. Your sense of self is on the line.
现在它攸关你的自尊，你的自我。
You need to know who you are and what you stand for.
你需要知道你是谁，你代表着什么。
What are the values and beliefs that are driving me to fight for this stance on this issue?
在这件事上，驱使我为这种立场而战的价值观和信仰是什么？
The more you understand who you are, the more you can try to get your purpose met and stay balanced, even when the other threatens those core values and beliefs.
你越了解自己，就越能达成自己的目标并保持平衡，即使对方威胁到了你的核心价值观和信仰。
Each side wants to feel appreciated, and yet the last thing they wanna do is to appreciate the other side.
双方都希望被欣赏，然而他们最不愿意做的就是欣赏对方。
That's a problem.
这是个问题。
Listen and understand.
倾听和理解。
When you're in the midst of the conflict, don't talk.
当你处于争论中时，不要发言。
Take the first 10 minutes. Consciously listen to the other side.
在最开始的10分钟里，仔细倾听对方。
What's the value behind their perspective? What's the logic, the rationale?
他们观点背后的价值观是什么？他们的逻辑和原理是什么？
Why do they hold this perspective on immigration or healthcare?
为什么他们会对移民或医疗持有这样的观点？
Once you truly understand and see the value in their perspective, let them know I hear where you're coming from, and you know what?
一旦你真正理解并且看到了对方观点中的价值观，让他们知道我听到了你们的来由，你知道吗？
That makes sense. There is nothing more in the world that we like than to feel appreciated.
这样才行得通。我们最喜欢的就是被人欣赏。
Recognize your power to appreciate them.
释放你的能量，去认可他们。
Third, affiliation. What's the emotional connection like between you and the other side?
第三，归属。你和对方之间的情感链接是什么？
We typically approach these conflict situations as me versus you.
在面对这些争论时，我们往往会分成“我”和“你”两个阵营。
My opinion on healthcare versus yours, my party's perspectives on immigration versus yours.
我对医疗的看法与你对医疗的看法，我的政党对移民的看法与你的政党对移民的看法。
That's just gonna leave the two of you like rams butting heads.
这只会让双方针锋相对。
Find common ground.
要寻找共同的立场。
Turn that other person from an adversary into a partner, so it's no longer me versus you, but the two of us facing the same shared problem.
把对方从敌人变成伙伴，不再是我对抗你，而是我们一起面临同一个问题。
Ask the other person, "Look, what's your advice "on how we can get as many of our interests met "at the same time?"
问问对方，“关于“我们如何尽可能多地满足双方共同的利益”，你有什么建议？”
Change the nature of your conversation.
改变对话的本质。
Now, you put these three things into practice, it can transform your relationships.
把这三点落到实处，它能改变你的关系。
Imagine what would happen if we started a revolution, but a positive revolution of greater understanding, greater appreciation, greater affiliation, how we could transform politics, how we could transform our country and ultimately our world.
想象一下，如果我们开启一场积极的革命，有更多的理解、更多的欣赏、更多的归属感，会发生什么；我们又将如何改变政治，改变国家，最终改变世界。
I believe it's possible, but it starts with each one of us.
我相信这一切皆有可能，但首先得从你我开始。
