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'There are no words for the horror': the story of my madness
无法言说的恐惧：我的疯狂故事
It's disturbing, at almost 60 years of age, to be diagnosed with an illness that you've suffered from your whole life without it ever being named. Your first reaction is to protest.
在将近60岁的年纪被诊断出患有一种疾病，你一辈子受它折磨，却从来不知道它的名字，这让人感到烦恼不安。你的第一反应是抗议。
I protested, insisting that bipolar disorder is one of those notions that are all of a sudden in vogue and get pinned on anything and everything.
我表示了我的抗议，我坚称双相情感障碍只是一种突然流行起来的概念，任何情况都会被贴上这个标签。
Then you read what you can on the subject, you re-examine your whole life from that angle, and you realise that the shoe fits. Perfectly, even.
然后，你阅读了关于双相情感障碍的一切东西，你从这个角度重新审视了你的整个生活，然后你意识到你的情况符合它的描述，甚至是完美贴合。
That all your life you've been subject to this alternation of excitement and depression that is of course all of our lot--because all our moods change, we all have highs and lows, clear skies and dark clouds--only that there's a group of people to which you belong, along with, it seems, 2% of the population, for whom the highs are higher and the lows lower than average, to the point that their succession becomes pathological.
你的一生都处于兴奋和沮丧的交替中，当然每个人都是如此----因为我们的情绪都会变化，都有起伏，有晴空万里，也有乌云密布----只是你和其他2%的人一样同属一个群体，对他们来说，情绪高亢或低沉的程度都超过了平均水平，以至于他们的这种情绪交替变得病态。
However, where the description doesn't fit at first glance has to do with the so-called "manic" phase of what until the 90s was called manic depressive psychosis.
然而，第一眼看去与描述并不符合的地方是所谓的"躁狂"阶段，直到90年代这种病症还被称为躁狂抑郁性精神病。
The manic state is when people strip naked on the street, or suddenly buy three Ferraris, or feverishly explain to anyone who wants to hear it that what they've got to do is eat guavas, lots and lots of guavas, to save humanity from a third world war.
处于躁狂状态时，人们会在街上脱光衣服，或者突然买三辆法拉利，或者狂热地向任何愿意倾听的人说，他们要吃番石榴，吃很多很多番石榴，以拯救人类免于第三次世界大战。
I knew a young guy who did things like that and who, once the crisis had passed, was appalled by what he'd done. He killed himself, as it seems up to 20% of people with bipolar disorder do.
我认识一个年轻人，他就做过这样的事情，等情绪危机过去后，他对自己的所作所为感到大为震惊。他最后自杀了，双相情感障碍患者中高达20%的人都会自杀。
I felt sorry for this brilliant, desperate young guy, and never thought I suffered from the same disorder as he did.
我为这个才华横溢但无比绝望的年轻人感到难过，从来没有想过我会患上和他一样的疾病。
I was depressive, yes. In addition to what can be called empty periods, I've been through two phases of real, severe depression, the sort that lasts for several months, and during which you hardly ever get up, you can no longer accomplish the most basic tasks, and above all you can no longer imagine that things will change.
是的，我确实会抑郁。除了所谓的空虚时期，我还经历了两个切切实实的、严重的抑郁阶段，那种持续几个月的抑郁。在这段时间里，你几乎无法起床，连最基本的任务都无法完成，而且最重要的是，你无法想象情况会有所转变。
