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SAT写作修改之开头段(2)

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话题三:Are people’s lives the result of the choices they make?

学生文章
  1)I agree with the opinion that people’s lives are the result of the choices that make.
 Once a wise man said, “It’s your choice that makes your life different from others.”
 I once made a choice to be an exchange student to U.S. for a year. And then my life was totally changed.

 分析:第二句的道理部分用名言来论证是不太好的方法,考官想看的是你的思路。

  建议把名言跳到句首,只做吸引用。

  2) In general, people’s lives are greatly influenced by the outcomes from the choices they ever make. Otherwise, their choices will be pointless. (意思比较晦涩)
  In fact, although minor choices are often negligible, others can be profound to one’s experience. Take myself as an example.

  分析:这个同学的道理实在不好理解。

  修改第二句:

  Though teenagers may run into great difficulties hard to change, a majority of them are brave enough to make their own decision, challenging the mission impossible. Accordingly, following their own will, students are more likely to succeed in the future.

  优秀范文:

  1) 回答问题From my point of view, people are not always free to make their own choice.

  2 )解释As teenagers, we are destined to meet the pressure exerted by our parents, teachers and peers. And sometimes, it is the expectations from these people that drive us to go on a road contrary to our original plan.

  3 )结构提示 One of my friend in high school, whose future is preordained by his parents, serves as a typical example.

  话题四: Does fame bring happiness or are people who are not famous more likely to be happy?

  学生文章

  1)I consider that fame does not bring true happiness.

  It is generally accepted that most of the famous people suffer from 1public pressure and 2desires for better (a better life), which force them to aspire after a greater achievement and fame, while the ordinary, 3(with comparatively lower goals), can fulfill their dreams and reach their satisfaction 4easier.

  Take the life of Nepalese as an example.

  分析:

  1、2点太多,压力和欲望多最好只写一个。

  名人不快乐,如果想写的是承受公众压力就应该写有狗仔啊,隐私暴露这面。如果是欲望多,就写自己是名人,目标高这块。

  3对比的思想是很精彩的,只是如果没有加粗的文字存在,论证就不够严密。

  4 应该换成副词。

  修改:

  版本一—— 要求高

  People with fame usually set higher goals for themselves than ordinary people. Thus they may have higher expectation of themselves and suffer from more pressure.
  On the other hand, ordinary people, with simple needs, are more likely to be content with his status quo and therefore live a happier life.

  版本二——压力大

  I support the idea that it is more likely for people who are not famous to be happy.
  A majority of people have great interest in the private life of celebrities, thereby leading to the frequent invasion of their privacy by some paparazzi. Feeling unsecured, famous people are less likely to feel happy than ordinary people.
  Now, I would like to take a piece of old news of a TV star in Taiwan as a typical example.



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