申请美国教育学博士（Statement of Purpose）文书批改。整篇文章看下来，教研内容过于细节，但又缺乏个人的深入看法及见解。建议在某些地方适当增添一些自己对这个行业，对这门PHD的主观见解。虽然文章有做相应的阐述，但比较泛泛而谈。另外，文章略显啰嗦，读起来不够流畅，需要做进一步调整。

原文：

Statement of Purpose

To Whom It May Concern.

This is AA and below please find my statement of purpose

"How was your day today?", whenever I get asked this question daily, I will always think about how well my students learn and behave on that day before I answer this question, for it is the most important factor that affects my life, not to exaggerate. I have committed to the profession of teaching ever since I was five years old. I like the feeling of teaching. I love little kids. And I hope I can do more for them.

After I graduated from the Ningbo university in 2006. Then,（注意增加过渡语句，使连贯）I started my teaching career in AA Elementary school which is also the best school in Ningbo Jiangdong district. This school provided me enormous chances to develop and I also worked very hard to enhance my teaching skill and broaden my background educational knowledge. I attend the qualified teaching competition and won the third grade for 2 times. I also won the third award in qualified video teaching competition and new generation teaching competition. Every year, I wrote at least one academic educational thesis and all my thesis are picked to attend the qualified thesis competition in Jiangdong District and get award. My thesis "How to use the stories in the elementary school's English class"won the first place in the qualified English thesis competition in Ningbo Jiangdong district and the third prize in Ningbo county.（建议多写写教研方面的内容，而不是扩写简历，具体量化的数据或者介绍project） From then on , I began to have great interest in the story-telling project. As the leader of the project "three-focus story-telling teaching mode research and practice in the elementary school", with the great support of our school and school district, we start to explore how to create suitable story situation, how to guide the students during the story teaching efficaciously and how to evaluate the students effectively. （建议精简点，省略重复部分）Our project research was last for 3 years. In order to promote our three-focus story-telling teaching mode, I gave illustrate class for at least 5 times to over 1000 English teachers from all the Ningbo county. With our team's hard work , we have achieve our project report and the biggest achievement in our project is we found a story-telling teaching resource library with thousands of story-telling teaching plans , teaching PPT , illustrate teaching video ,students' story acting video and students' works. Now our project is fully achieved and chosen to attend the qualified basis education project competition in Ningbo in 2014.

In the process of story-telling project, I start to feel that I need to learn more to support my teaching career. Carrying the hoping for further education, after intense teaching competition, writing examination and interview, I finally won the chance to pursue a further study in Ningbo University for my master's degree with full scholarship. I cherished the precious opportunity to acquire more knowledge and skills to qualify myself as an "expert" in the eyes of the children. During the time in university, I did not only practice as much as I can to enhance my English and study as much theoretical knowledge as possible on teaching, but also worked as a research assistant for my tutor Professor Chen.（最好列举实例做支撑）I attend his National Social Science Program "Teachers Conceptions of Textbook and Their Impact on Teaching Behavior" and in charge of the teaching plan collection, data analysis and provided my teaching video for research. I also taught illustrated class for the teachers came from all Ningbo county to study and research together. Not only just study in the university, I also fulfilled a full-time job in our school. Using the knowledge I learned, I participated in a （修改为an）education project "The research about Unit guided study" , I was in charge of the data analysis, part of the project report , the research of the 2nd and 3rd grade unite guide study I guide the students to review the unite we are going to teach properly, got the students' feedback and wrote the guide suggestions for PEP book3-book6 including all the guiding procedure ,guiding exercises and teaching suggestions. Our team members wrote the guide suggestions for PEP book1-book8 which provide enormous teaching resource for all the elementary school English teachers .Our project was award the first place in the qualified education project competition in Ningbo and was recommend to attend the qualified education project competition in Zhejiang province in 2014.

After three year's hard study and work, I got my master's degree in 2013. At that time, I started to think, what I should do next and do I need to continue to work or to purse a further degree. I need time to consider and find my direction.（做精炼，简单点讲类似于，getting lost for a while, I finally spot my future direction after a careful consideration. ）Thanks to the 2013 Chinese Guest Teacher Program, which is sponsored t place in Zhejiang province and finally been picked from thousands of teachers and get the chance to go to the US served as a Chinese teacher in International Leadership of Texas for one year . I have truly experienced the great advantages of US education which emphasizes more on stimulating students' critical thinking, cultivating students' imagination and creativity, and developing students' hands-on ability. The best part I moved by this school is the school's exchange program. Next year, more than 100 Chinese students are coming to the US and continue their high school in ILTEXAS. And the students' in ILTEXAS will also go to China to attend a Chinese immerse program which will not only enhance the students' English or Chinese lever but also cultivate them to be talents with international sights. Just as Michelle Obama said in her speech in Beijing University"Education is not just about getting good grades or test scores in the school but also about having real experience with the world beyond our borders"（引用就算了，奥总在美国的支持率不算高，如果落到一个ANTI的admin手上，就麻烦了）, with the rapid development of China's economy, more and more Chinese parents send their kids to the US while more and more US parents realize it is important for their kid to learn Chinese and know more about China. However there are few teaching mode for the Chinese students' studying in the US or for the US kids' study in China. Suddenly I got a crazy idea which is maybe I can design the teaching mode for the kids studying aboard.（建议不要用情绪化的单词）

With this great dream, I come into another important decision: I would like to apply for aThe Ph.D program in SMU and do further research on the exchange education program, which I believe will make our future more beautiful.（这句话完全看不懂，建议要写出detail来）With the rapid development of our word, our future depends more and more on the connection of the each other, especially, when our young people go outside the border and across the globe . They bring their culture, idea, their passion to the other culture and society and they also bring back the essence of other culture and advanced technology and ideas which will not also benefit to shape their future but also shape our world's future. However, China is big, and lots of parents, though they have prospection and good financial situation, they don't know how to send their kids aboard or how to choose a suitable school for their kids. In the US, I believe, more and more school start to find the importance of Chinese exchange program for it will not only bring huge financial profit but also bring them wonderful kids and international reputation.

Once you have a dream, you can try to achieve it. （建议删掉第一句话，直接写明去SMU准备做哪些研究）And with my dream, I apply to the Ph.D. Program in Southern Methodist University. I want to learn and work with a community of educators who shares my beliefs and passion. Also, I believe that I can broaden my insight, enhance my leadership skills and profession knowledge to achieve my dream.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

总体看下来，教研内容过于细节，但缺乏自己的深入看法及见解。建议在某些地方适当增添一些自己对这个行业，对这门PHD的主观见解。虽然文章有做相应的阐述，但比较泛泛而谈。另外，文章略显啰嗦，读起来不够流畅，需要做进一步调整。