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Of the 50,000 people I've surveyed around the world, one in three people tell me they've committed infidelity at some point in their lives.
我在全世界调查过5万人，有三分之一的人告诉我他们曾在一生中的某个时间有过不忠行为。
And so, a very common situation people find themselves in is should they confess that secret to their romantic partner?
所以，人们经常会遇到这个问题：他们是否应该向伴侣坦白自己的不忠行为？
And it's perhaps the hardest version of this question of: 'Should I confess my secret to the person I'm keeping it from?'
它也许是“我是否应该把秘密告诉我想瞒着的那个人？”的升级困难版了。
The reason for confessing it, of course, is you wanna be honest and you want to not hide something, something so big from your partner.
坦白的原因当然是你想做一个诚实的人，你不想对伴侣隐瞒这么重大的事。
But of course, the risk is you're worried about damaging the relationship, and so what should you do if you're in this situation?
当然了，坦白所带来的风险是，你担心它会破坏你们的关系，所以你遇到这种问题时该怎么办呢？
The first thing you wanna ask yourself is: Why are you tempted to reveal this to the other person?
第一个你需要问自己的问题是：你为什么想把这件事告诉伴侣？
Is it you just want to get the secret off your chest?
你是为了把内心的秘密一吐为快吗？
Is it that you just wanna make yourself feel better?
还是说你只是想让自己心里好受点？
The risk of course, is that maybe revealing that secret does make you feel better, but it could make your partner feel a whole lot worse.
坦白秘密确实会让你心里好受点，但它的风险是会让你伴侣感觉更糟。
So what do you do with that?
那你该怎么办呢？
It's one of the most difficult questions you might encounter in a relationship, and the consequences can be huge for what you decide.
这可能是你在一段关系中遇到的最困难的问题，你的决定可能会带来严重后果。
But if it was a one-time thing, what would your partner want in this situation?
但如果那只是一次性的不忠行为，那你的伴侣更希望你怎么做呢？
Would they wanna know about this?
他们会想知道这件事吗？
I asked 300 people this very question, and 77% of people said they would wanna know.
我问了300个人这个问题，有77%的人说他们想知道。
The good news is if you're dealing with this decision, you don't have to decide it on your own.
好消息是如果你面临这个决策，那你不需要自己去做决定。
Talk to someone else about it, and they can help you navigate this incredibly difficult decision.
跟别人聊一聊，他们会帮助你解决这个世纪大难题。
So when you reveal a secret to the person you're keeping it from, this is what I call 'confession,' but when you reveal a secret to someone you're not specifically keeping it from, this is 'confiding.'
如果你把秘密告诉了你想瞒着的那个人，这就是我所说的“坦白”，但如果你把秘密告诉了一个并非特意隐瞒的对象，这叫“倾诉”。
And confiding a secret is like eating your cake and having it too.
倾诉就像鱼和熊掌兼可得。
You get to have it remain a secret while still getting help and advice.
你既守住了自己的秘密，又能得到帮助和建议。
So who should you choose as a confidant?
那你应该向谁倾诉呢？
Who can you trust to keep your secret safe?
谁是你值得信赖，能守住秘密的人？
We've done research on this where we've asked thousands of people what benefits they got from revealing a secret, and who people like to reveal a secret to.
我们在这方面做过研究，我们问了几千人他们吐露秘密后会得到什么好处，以及他们想向谁倾吐秘密。
Revealing a secret to someone who you judge as compassionate, empathic, caring, non-judgmental, and kind, those people are really helpful.
向那些你认为富有同理心、有同情心、关心他人、不评判他人、善良的人透露秘密，这些人能起到很大的作用。
Also, you want to choose someone who will not be scandalized by what you're telling them.
此外，你还要选择不会被你的秘密震惊到的那种人。
If someone finds what you're telling them to be really morally objectionable because they just have a really different sense of morality than you do, that's not the right person to choose.
如果某人的道德观跟你完全不一样，认为你告诉他们的秘密在道德上绝对不可接受，这样的人不适合作为倾诉对象。
If someone is really overly concerned with norms and rules, that might not be the best person to confide in.
如果某人过于重视标准和规则，那可能也不是最佳倾诉对象。
And if someone's a talkative, social butterfly, that might also not be your best case because those individuals are known to be so excited that they might accidentally reveal the secret to someone they're not supposed to.
如果某人特别善谈，是社交达人，那可能也不是最佳倾诉对象，因为这种人很容易在兴奋的时候不小心把你的秘密告诉不该告诉的人。
And then finally, when you're choosing your confidant, ask yourself: 'Are you entangling them into the problem?'
最后，你在选择倾诉对象的时候，问问自己：你有把这个人卷进这件事中吗？
Are they now gonna have to conceal this secret from people you both know?
他们是否也得和你一起隐瞒你们都认识的那个人？
'Cause now you're gonna be asking this person to keep a secret.
如果是这样的话，你就相当于在要求这个人保守秘密。
While they'll understand the act of intimacy that you're placing in them when you trust them, they could become really burdened by your secret too, and as much as you can, you want to avoid that.
虽然他们知道你是出于信任和亲密的关系才让他们这么做，但他们会被你的秘密所累，会承受和你一样的心理负担，要注意避免这种情况。
And if you're thinking, "I don't know any people with any of these qualities,"
如果你觉得，“我不认识任何具有这些特质的人，”
you could reveal it to a total stranger who would have no risk of getting the secret back to the people you don't want to know the secret.
那你可以找一个陌生人倾诉，这样他们就绝不会把秘密告诉你想瞒着的那个人。
And so, for example, you could reveal the secret to a bartender.
比如说，你可以跟酒保倾诉。
You could reveal the secret to a cab driver.
你可以跟出租车司机倾诉。
We find the average experience people have with revealing a secret is one they find to be very helpful.
我们发现，通常来讲，人们说出秘密是很有帮助的。
And so if you're trying to figure out whether this is a secret that you should reveal to your partner, talk to someone else about it because confiding is this great stepping stone to figure out what is the next step you're gonna take after that.
所以，如果你不知道自己是否应该把这个秘密告诉伴侣，那就跟别人说说吧，因为倾诉是你决定接下来该怎么做的前提。
And if you're trying to decide whether someone is the right person to confide in, I would ask yourself these three questions: Is this someone you can trust to keep this secret?
如果你在纠结某人是不是合适的倾诉对象，那就问问自己这三个问题：你能相信这个人会帮你保守秘密吗？
Is this someone you could trust to help you work through the secret?
你能相信这个人帮你解决秘密吗？
And by revealing the secret to this person, are you making their lives more difficult?
把秘密告诉他后，会给他的生活带来困扰吗？
So finding someone else to talk about that secret with and choosing the right person can make the world of difference.
跟别人说说你的秘密，找到合适的倾诉对象，会让一切都大不一样。
