评论
打印
"Till death do us part." When we get married, we make vows.
“直到死亡将我们分开。”当我们结婚时，会对彼此许下誓言。
To love, to honor, to forsake all others.
去爱，以之为荣，不对他人产生感情。
Or as a friend of mine put it, "Not to leave dirty socks all over the house."
或者像我一个朋友所说：“不要把脏袜子满屋子乱丢。”
We may fall short of some of our promises some of the time,
有些时候，我们可能无法信守自己的某些诺言，
but one that will always hold true is that first one: "Till death do us part."
但有一句话应该被当作真理恪守，也就是演讲开始的那句：“直到死亡将我们分开。”
Because spouses are bound together by their decisions, in marriage and in divorce.
因为伴侣们始终被彼此的决定所牵绊，不论是结婚，还是离婚。
So, a mentor of mine once told me, "You should always marry your second husband first."
我的一位导师曾告诉我：“你总是应当先和第二任丈夫结婚。”
What did that mean? It didn't mean that Mr. Right is somehow waiting behind door number two.
这是什么意思？这并不说你的真命天子总会在第二次出现。
It meant that if you want to understand what makes a marriage work, you should think about how a marriage ends.
这句话的意思是：如果你想要了解如何能经营好一段婚姻，就应该思考一段婚姻是如何结束的。
Divorce makes extremely explicit what the tacit rules of marriage are.
离婚非常明确地说明了婚姻的潜规则。
And everyone should understand those rules, because doing so can help us build better marriages from the beginning.
每个人都应该理解那些规则，因为这样做能让我们从一开始就建立更好的婚姻基础。
I know, it doesn't sound very romantic,
我知道这听起来不太浪漫，
but sometimes the things we do out of love can be the very things that make it hard for that love to last.
但有时候我们出于爱意所做的事情可能会成为让这段爱难以持续下去的原因。
I am a family-law professor. I have taught students, I've been an attorney, I'm a mediator and I've also been divorced.
我是一名家庭法教授，我教过学生，也当过律师，我是一名调解员，我也经历过离婚。
And I'm now happily married to my actual second husband.
现在我和第二任丈夫有着很幸福的婚姻。
The reason that I think this is so important is that
我认为这件事之所以重要，是因为
I think everyone should be having some of these very painful conversations that divorced people experience.
我认为每个人都应该进行离婚夫妇所经历的那些非常令人痛苦的对话。
These are painful conversations about what we contributed, what we owe, what we are willing to give and what we give up.
这些痛苦的对话是关于我们贡献了什么，我们亏欠了彼此什么，我们愿意给予什么，我们放弃了什么。
And also, what's important to us. Those conversations should be happening in a good marriage, not after it is broken.
以及我们看重的是什么。这些对话应该出现在一段良好的婚姻关系中，而非在一段婚姻破碎之后。
Because when you wait until it's broken, it's too late.
因为当你等到婚姻破碎时，已经为时晚矣。
But if you have them early on, they can actually help build a better marriage.
但如果你提早就进行了这样的沟通，它们其实可以帮助你建立一段更好的婚姻关系。
Three ideas that I want to put on the table for you to consider.
在这里，我想要分享三个观点，供各位参考。
One, sacrifice should be thought of as a fair exchange.
第一，应将牺牲看作是一种公平交换。
Two, there's no such thing as free childcare.
第二，没有免费育儿这回事。
And three, what's yours probably becomes ours.
第三，“你”的东西可能会变成“我们”的东西。
So let me talk about each of these ideas.
下面，让我逐一进行解释。
The first one, sacrifice should be a fair exchange. Take the example of Lisa and Andy.
第一条，应将牺牲看作是一种公平交换。拿丽莎和安迪的关系举例。
Lisa decides to go to medical school early in the marriage, and Andy works to support them.
丽莎决定在婚后不久就去医学院读书，而安迪则上班来维持家用。
And Andy works night shifts in order to do that, and he also gives up a great job in another city.
安迪还需要上晚班才能挣到足够的钱，他也因此不得不放弃了在另一座城市一个绝佳的工作机会。
He does this out of love. But of course, he also understands that Lisa's degree will benefit them both in the end.
他愿意这么做是出于对妻子的爱。但当然，他也明白，丽莎的学历从长远来看会让他们彼此受益。
But after a few years, Andy becomes neglected and resentful. And he starts drinking heavily.
但几年后，安迪感到备受忽视，心怀不满。之后他开始酗酒。
And Lisa looks at her life and she looks at Andy and she thinks, "This is not the bargain I wanted to make."
丽莎回顾了她的生活，又看了看安迪，她想：“这不是我原本想要的生活。”
A couple of years go by, she graduates from medical school, and she files for a divorce.
几年后，丽莎从医学院毕业，同时提出了离婚申请。
So in my perfect world, some kind of marriage mediator would have been able to talk to them before Lisa went to medical school.
在我的完美世界里，一些婚姻调解员本能够在丽莎去读医之前就和他们进行一场谈话。
And at that point, that mediator might have asked, "How exactly does fair exchange work?
那时候，调解员可能会问，“在你们的这个决定中，公平交换体现在哪里？
What does it look like in your marriage? What are you willing to give and what are you willing to owe?"
它在你们的婚姻中看起来如何？你们愿意付出什么，又愿意亏欠什么？”
So in a divorce, Lisa now probably is going to owe Andy financial support for years.
在这场离婚中，丽莎可能要欠安迪多年的经济支持。
And Andy... no amount of financial support is going to make him feel compensated for what he gave up, and the lost traction in his career.
而对于安迪，不论多少经济上的帮助，都无法补偿他为丽莎放弃的事业，以及他失去的职业生涯推动力。
If the two of them had thought about their split early on, what might have gone differently?
如果他们两个人之前就考虑过可能会分开，事情可能会发生怎样的改变？
Well, it's possible that Lisa would have decided that she would take loans or work a part-time job in order to support her own tuition
丽莎或许会决定申请贷款，或者做临时工来支付自己的学费，
so that Andy wouldn't have had to bear the entire burden for that.
这样安迪就不用负担学费的所有压力。
And Andy might have decided to take that job in that other city
而安迪可能会决定接受另一座城市的工作机会，
and maybe the two of them would have commuted for a couple of years while Lisa finished her degree.
或许在丽莎拿到学位之前他俩要异地几年。
So let's take another couple, Emily and Deb. They live in a big city, they have two children, they both work.
我们再看一下另一对伴侣，艾米莉和黛布的例子。她们住在一个大城市，有两个孩子，两个人都在工作。
Emily gets a job in a small town, and they decide to move there together.
艾米莉获得了在某个小镇的工作机会，于是她们决定一起搬到那里。
And Deb quits her job to look after the children full-time.
黛布辞了职，全职照看小孩。
Deb leaves behind an extended family, her friends and a job that she really liked.
她离开了她的大家庭，她的朋友，以及一份喜欢的工作。
And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely.
在那个小城镇里，黛布开始感到孤独与寂寞。
And 10 years later, Deb has an affair, and things fall apart.
10年后，黛布有了婚外情，然后她们的婚姻破裂了。
Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in before they moved and before Deb quit her job might have asked them,
假设婚姻调解员在她们搬家以及黛布辞职前同样介入，调解员可能会问她们：
What do your choices about childcare do to the obligations you have to each other? How do they affect your relationship?
“你们对育儿方式的选择会怎样影响到你们之间的义务权衡？会如何影响到你们的关系？
Because you have to remember that there is no such thing as free childcare."
因为你们得记住一点，没有免费育儿这种东西。”
If the two of them had thought about their split beforehand, what would have gone differently?
如果她们两个人先前考虑过可能会分手，事情可能会发生怎样的改变？
Well, maybe Deb would have realized a little better how much her family and her friends were important to her
黛布可能会更清楚地意识到她的家人和朋友对她来讲是如此重要，
precisely in what she was taking on, which is full-time parenthood.
尤其是在她选择成为全职家长的这种情况下。
Perhaps Emily, in weighing the excitement of the new job offer might have also thought about what that would mean for the cost to Deb
或许艾米莉，沉浸在获得新工作的兴奋之余，可能也会考虑到她的决定对黛布来说意味着多大的牺牲，
and what would be owed to Deb as a result of her taking on full-time parenthood.
而且由于黛布成为全职家长，艾米莉会亏欠黛布多少。
So, let's go back to Lisa and Andy. Lisa had an inheritance from her grandmother before the marriage.
让我们再回到丽莎和安迪的例子。丽莎在婚前从她祖母那里获得了一笔遗产。
And when they got married, they bought a home, and Lisa put that inheritance toward a down payment on that home.
当他们结婚买房子的时候，丽莎用那笔遗产付了首付。
And then Andy of course worked to make the mortgage payments.
之后自然就由安迪工作来付后面的房贷。
And all of their premarital and marital property became joined. That inheritance is now marital property.
他们所有的婚前与婚后财产都合并了。那笔遗产现在变成了共同财产。
So, in a split, what's going to happen?
那么如果他们离婚，会发生什么？
They're going to have to sell the house and split the proceeds, or one of them can buy the other out.
他们将不得不卖了房子，平分卖房所得，或者他们其中一人可以买下整座房子。
So this marriage mediator, if they had talked to them before all of this happened, that person would have asked,
如果在这一切发生之前，他们和婚姻调解员谈话，调解员会问：
"What do you want to keep separate and what do you want to keep together?
“你想保留什么作为个人财产，你想保留什么作为夫妻共同财产？
And how does that choice actually support the security of the marriage?
你们的选择会如何确保婚姻安全？
Because you have to remember that what's yours, probably, will become ours,
因为你们得记住，如今是你的，可能之后会变成你们的，
unless you actually are mindful and take steps to do otherwise."
除非你真的非常注意，并采取应对和防范措施。”
So if they had thought about their split, maybe they would have decided differently,
如果他们考虑过可能会分开，他们或许会做出不同的决定。
maybe Lisa would have thought, "Maybe the inheritance can stay separate," and saved for a day when they might actually need it.
或许丽莎会想：“也许这笔遗产可以作为我的个人所有财产”，先存着，等到以后可能会用到的那一天。
And maybe the mortgage that they took on wouldn't have been as onerous,
或许他们不会申请如此繁重的房贷，
and maybe Andy wouldn't have had to work so hard to make those payments.
这样安迪就不用如此辛苦地工作来还房贷。
And maybe he would have become less resentful. Maybe they would have lived in a smaller house and been content to do that.
或许他就不会变得那么愤懑。他们可能会住在小一点的房子里，并为此感到快乐满足。
The point is, if they had had a divorce-conscious discussion about what to keep separate,
重点是，如果他们曾进行过带有离婚意识的讨论，关于什么作为个人私有，
their marriage might have been more connected and more together.
他们婚姻的联系会变得更紧密，归属感会变得更强烈。
Too often in marriage, we make sacrifices, and we demand them, without reckoning their cost.
我们在婚姻中总是牺牲自我，我们也要求伴侣做出牺牲，却未曾思考各自所付出的代价。
But there is wisdom in looking at the price tags attached to our marital decisions in just the way that divorce law teaches us to do.
但以离婚法教导我们的方式来看待我们的婚姻决定所附带的代价，是很明智的。
What I want is for people to think about their marital bargains through the lens of divorce.
我希望人们能够通过离婚的角度来思考婚姻的得失。
And to ask, "How is marriage a sacrifice, but an exchange of sacrifice? How do we think about our exchange?"
并且自问：“如何将婚姻的牺牲变为一种相互牺牲的交换？我们该如何思考彼此的交换？”
Second: "How do we think about childcare and deal with the fact that there is no such thing as free childcare?"
第二：“我们该如何思考育儿，并且面对没有免费育儿的这个事实？”
"How do we deal with the fact that some things can be separate and some things can be together,
“我们该如何处理以下的事实——有些东西能分开，而有些东西能合并到一起，
and if we don't think about it, then it will all be part of the joint enterprise."
倘若我们不思考这件事，那么以后所有的东西都将共有。”
So basically, what I want to leave you with is that in marriage or divorce,
所以总的来说，我想要传达给各位的是，不论在一段婚姻还是一场离婚中，
people should think about the way that "till death do us part" marriage is forever. Thank you.
人们都应该谨记，“直到死亡将我们分开”的婚姻方式代表着永恒。谢谢。
