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There are few more important tasks for parents than to be able to listen properly to their children, that is, pick up on and give room to, their children’s moods, hatreds and enthusiasms, even when these run contrary to their own inclinations.
对父母来说，没有什么比好好倾听孩子的声音更重要的任务了，也就是说，捕捉孩子的情绪，仇恨或是热情，并给他们空间，即使这些与他们自己的意愿相反。
It’s on the basis of having been listened to with close sympathy and imagination that a child will later on be able to accept themselves, remain in touch with what they feel and find partners who are interested in their core selves.
只有倾听时充满同情和想象力，孩子才能在以后接受自己，与自己的感受保持联系，找到对他们的核心自我感兴趣的伴侣。
Why should listening properly prove so hard for many parents?
为什么好好倾听对许多父母来说如此困难?
Partly because what children say and do can prove so threatening to parents’ sense of their identity.
部分原因是孩子的言行可能会对父母的身份认同构成威胁。
We may as parents have said a very firm goodbye to vulnerability, imagination, frankness, sexual fluidity or sadness.
作为父母，我们可能已经非常坚定地告别了脆弱、想象、坦率、性向流动或悲伤。
But our children come into the world unaware of any such repudiations; what we have put into our shadow sides may lie in the midday sun of our offspring’s young lives.
但我们的孩子来到这个世界时，并没有意识到任何这样的否定；我们放在我们阴影下的一面，可能是我们的后代年轻生命的正午阳光。
The kids have no compunction saying that granny is a big fat poo, that they want to dress like an opposite gender or that they long to live in a bigger house.
孩子们毫无顾忌地说奶奶是个大胖子，说他们想穿得像个异性，或者说他们想住在更大的房子里。
They may in addition be terrible at maths and hopeless at tying their own shoelaces.
此外，他们可能特别不擅长数学，更别提学会系鞋带了。
This may rattle us to the core: how could we have worked so hard to expunge weakness from our personality, only for it to show up in the next generation?
这可能会让我们紧张不安: 我们这么努力地消除我们个性中的弱点，却让它出现在下一代人身上？
How can they be so shockingly needy and difficult, so illogical and impolite?
他们怎么会这么需要帮助和难对付，这么没有逻辑和缺乏礼貌?
There can be jealousy behind much of the resulting non-listening.
导致这么多不倾听的原因可能是因为嫉妒。
Parents may not take their children’s cries to heart because no one paid particular attention to their own lamentations.
父母可能不会把孩子的哭声放在心上，因为没有人特别注意他们自己的哭声。
Why would they be patient with another’s petty sorrows when they had to grow up with brutal speed?
当他们不得不以残酷的速度成长时，他们为什么要对别人的小痛苦有耐心呢?
The best way for parents to protect themselves against registering their latent frustrations and regrets can be to ensure that their children also don’t get what they want.
对于父母来说，保护自己不被潜在的挫折和遗憾所困扰的最好方法就是确保他们的孩子也得不到他们想要的。
Non-listening parents are to be found constantly rewriting their children’s experiences: ‘That’s nonsense,’ they will say, ‘I know you love going for walks in the rain!’
不会倾听孩子话的父母会不断再现孩子的经历: “那是胡说八道，”他们会说，“我知道你喜欢在雨中散步!” ”
Or: ‘Why would my brave little soldier cry about something like that!’
或者:“为什么我勇敢的小士兵会为这种事哭泣呢?” ”
Or they’ll insinuate that there is simply no way to devote oneself to something (ballet or business, being shy or dressing as a fairy) and remain legitimate and loveable.
或者，他们会暗示说，根本不可能把自己投入到某件事上(芭蕾或商业，腼腆害羞或打扮成仙女)，同时又保持正当、又惹人爱。
The legacy of not being listened to is a split personality, in which we are unable to allow in the sadness or anger, vulnerability or confidence that our parents once denied in us.
不被倾听的后果是会产生分裂的人格，在这种人格中，我们不能容忍悲伤、愤怒、脆弱或自信，而这些是我们的父母曾经否认的。
Properly growing up may involve asking ourselves a very unfamiliar question - what sides of me could my parents not accept?
良好的成长可能会询问自己一个非常陌生的问题——我的父母不能接受我的哪些方面?
- and making friends with the answers.
-和答案交朋友。
