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Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers?
Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers.
Ross: What about the chairs?
Chandler: She picked those out too.
Ross: How about the place settings?
Chandler: That was her.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Rachel: Not yet.
Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther.
Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby…
Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam!
Phoebe: Bus?
Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!
Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of…See?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.]
Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Give me one more.
Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say.
Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she’s pregnant again.)
Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
Monica: You can’t marry him!
Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn!
Monica: Phoebe!
Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant.
Joey: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: It’s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths ‘I love you’ to him.)
Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can’t believe it! What? Rachel’s pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who’s the father?
Phoebe: We don’t know.
Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude.
Monica: There’s a dude?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… (He walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: Was that story over?
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
Joey: The guy left this.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is… (She walks into Monica and Chandler’s.)
Monica: People have got to finish their stories!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
Chandler: Uhh… Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
Woman At The Wedding: It didn’t click.
Ross: I heard it. I heard it.
Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
Woman At The Wedding: Why won’t you take our picture?
Chandler: Oh yeah. I’ll take, I’ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.
Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]
Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Rachel: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
Rachel: Uh, let’s rip!
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)
Tag: Hey Rach.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops.]
Chandler: Why don’t you go up on stage. I’ll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross: Okay. Okay!
(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.)
Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That’s my car!
Ross: A ’95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: A green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Tag: So, what’s this about?
Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or…poison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks away.)
Tag: What’s going on Rach?
Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y’know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
Tag: Y’know, I’m actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn’t mature enough, but I’ve really grown up and think we should get back together.
Rachel: Oh, it’s just not the right time.
Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
Rachel: Okay.
