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Jason: Make breakfast, make coffee, wake up! Better wake up first. Oh. I made breakfast? Did
I make coffee? I did. Wonder what else I've done this morning?
Mike: Hey! Good morning, Dad.
Jason: Hey, Mike, you're up.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: I've over-slept, it must be noon.
Mike: Oh no, Dad, it's only six thirty.
Jason: Oh, well that's terrific, Mike; your very first day of the new semester, and you decide to
stay out all night. That's very smart.
Mike: Dad, I did not stay out all night!
Jason: Well, I call Six thirty am, staying out all night!
Mike: Dad, I did not just get in. Look...look...I...I woke up early and I made breakfast.
Jason: Who's the girl, Mike?
Mike: Dad, do you see a girl in here?
Jason: No! I'm talking about the girl in your apartment, that you got up early to make
breakfast for.
Mike: Dad, I got up early because I'm excited about my first day of class.
Jason: Oh? Aha! So, any class in particular.
Mike: Yeah, Dad! Look, Introduction to Acting. I mean, Dad this class is not just a bunch of
books and papers and other pointless, useless garbage that Carol lives for. I mean, all that we
do is act.
Maggie: Jason, who are you "aha-ing" to at this time in the morning?
Jason: Well, Mike got up early, he made breakfast, and he's excited about a class.
Maggie: Where is she?
Mike: Mom, come on!
Maggie: Aha! So, what about this acting class?
Carol: Aha!
Mike: What is it with you people? You act like I have never cared about school in my life!
Maggie: Aha.
Mike: Mom, I have been excited about school, dozens of times.
Carol: Name one!
Jason: Carol, this doesn't concern you. Name one!
Mike: Alright, Nude Photography. Now I was up early for that one, and that class didn't start
till noon.
Jason: That's it, he's taking a nude acting class!
Ben: Mike's in a nude acting class?
Mike: Yeah, yeah Benny, I'm in a nude acting class! And I've got a girl hidden up in my room,
plus a spare one stashed under the counter, and I've made breakfast; they're all yours, take
your pick!
Mike: I'm early. I'm very early. Heck, why not? I can do this. And now accepting the best actor
award for Mike Seaver is...Mike Seaver!! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Oh, hi, ah, I was
just...err...testing out the acoustics here...Mike, Mike. Sounds good to me. Mike Seaver.
Tony: Tony Dissipio.
Mike: So, you ready for this class?
Tony: Oh, I sure am. I'll tell you the truth- I've never been early for a class in my whole life,
except that nude photography course last year.
Mike: We...I don't remember you in Nude Photography 1.
Tony: I was in two. Hey, listen, wait, before I get to like you- your not one of these big deal
actors, with a list of credits from here to Broadway, just slumming in this class?
Mike: Oh, no...no, no, I'm...err...I've only done a couple of things...err...off Broadway.
Tony: Off Broadway? All I got is a couple of seasons of summer stock.
Mike: Wow, now there's some summer stock. So, I guess you two know each other. Hi, my
name is Mike Seaver.
Kay: Kay McDonnell. Nice to meet you, Mike.
Mike: The pleasure's all mine. OK, it's mostly Tony's. So...err...what do you guys hear about
this teacher?
Kay: Well, I understand that Professor Thorn is a master of the Strasbourg method.
Mike: Oh hey, that's good to know. I mean, if any one of us chokes on our gum, we got it
covered.
Professor: Now, why did you believe that your about to be scalded? You!
Mike: Oh, because...err... Well, 'cause I've had teachers do that to me.
Professor: And you!
Tony: Because you were acting.
Professor: Precisely. Good morning everyone! My name is Professor Peter Thorn, and welcome
to Drama 102. You've just had your first lesson, in how to make an entrance. Come on, you're
laughing at my jokes already, very good!
Mike: Tony, didn't you hear, there's no papers, tests, or anything.
Tony: Oh! Just in case I wanna look something up later.
Professor: So, is acting merely the ability to memorize lines and not bump into the furniture?
Oh, by the way, you should all know who said that.
Class: Spencer Tracy.
Professor: Very good!...
Mike: Can I borrow a piece of paper? And a pen.
Professor: So, what exactly is acting? Is it something you see on a stage? Maybe. Something
you see in the cinema? Sometimes. Something you see on television? Doubtful. And so
throughout this err... Throughout this semester we will be drawing up standards from the
masters. Masters you're all familiar with- O’Neill, Ionescaux, early Pinter, middle Strindberg,
late Ibsen...
Mike: Could I borrow another piece of paper? I write kind of big. Who was that last master
guy's name?
Student: Ibsen.
Mike: Who?
Professor: Ibsen. I B S E N. Now, you do know who is, don't you?
Mike: Oh sure...err sure...err... He was the old guy in Beverly Hill Billie’s, Buddy Ibsen!
Professor: I see. And what is your name young man?
Mike: Ahh...Mike Seaver.
Professor: Mr. Seaver, you either, A- have a lot to learn, B- don't know when to make a joke,
or C- A and B.
Mike: Is there a D?
Professor: We'll have to wait until the grades are due, won't we Mr. Seaver?
Ben: Hey Mike, you wanna shoot some hoops?
Mike: No thanks Benny. I've got a long night of reading ahead of me, alright?
Ben: Mike, Mom and Dad aren't around. Don't pull this stuff with me.
Mike: Benny listen, is Carol up in her room?
Ben: Yes, she's crying about a new zit.
Mike: Oh, well listen, I've got to see her.
Ben: On purpose?
Mike: Yeah, I need to use her dictionary.
Ben: The fifty pound one! The bug killer!
Mike: Yes. Yeah Benny, that's the one.
Ben: The roaches are back, huh?
Mike: Benny look, I have to look up a few words...err... Hey nothing gets by you, Benny. You
know, if you go upstairs and you ask Carol for that dictionary, I'll let you squish the ones in
the pizza box.
Ben: Deal! Carol!
Maggie: Hi, honey!
Jason: Hey!
Maggie: What are you surprising me with tonight?
Jason: Well, I thought maybe after the kids went to sleep...maybe we could...err...Sloppy
Joes!!!! Hey Mike! How's that acting class you were all excited about?
Mike: Oh, err, it's great, Dad, just great.
Maggie: What are those?
Mike: They're books, Mom.
Jason: Yeah, school having a paper drive?
Mike: No Dad, this is some stuff that I wanna read tonight.
Jason: Oh, that's good, you're acting now, right?
Mike: Look, Dad, is it that unbelievable that I wanna take home a few thousand pages to read
for my own amusement?
Jason: Well, I'm sorry Mike, I didn't know you were so serious.
Mike: Well, I am, Dad. You know? I mean look, I may not be as...as well-read as Carol, I may
not be as academically inclined as Carol, I may not be as smart as Carol...
Carol: May not be?
Maggie: Carol, this is not the time to make fun of your brother.
Carol: Ah, I take 'em where I can get 'em. Here, and clean off the roach guts when you're
finished.
Mike: Carol, I am not killing bugs, alright? I'm looking up words...big ones!! Big, humungous
words! Giant words no-one's even heard of; as hard as that is to comprehend.
Maggie: Well, I have never seen Mike like that. Whatever's wrong, I can fix it.
Jason: No, honey, wait! He's nineteen years old. Come on, you've got to give him a chance to
try and work out whatever's bothering him on his own. Got to have a little faith in him.
Maggie: Jason, this is Mike we're talking about.
Jason: I said a little faith.
Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition oppo...
Mike: Sorry I'm late.
Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition opportunities to share with
each other this morning.
Kay: The East Village Rep. is holding trials for Oedipus next week.
Professor: Oh! Wonderful challenge for the young actor. And if any of you boys should be lucky
enough to get cast in Oedipus, don't forget to invite your mother.
Tony: I heard they're holding auditions for After the Fall, this weekend at the Soho Theatre, in
the alley.
Professor: Ah. It's a wonderful play; Arthur Miller's best, don't you agree Mr. Seaver?
Mike: Err...well actually...errm...I prefer, Death of a Salesman.
Professor: Yes, so do I.
