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Balaba balaba balaba balaba balaba balaba Jimmy Kimmel Live.
巴拉巴 巴拉巴 巴拉巴 巴拉巴 巴拉巴 巴拉巴 吉米鸡毛秀
Hi, I'm bored. I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of the show.
嗨 我太无聊了 我是吉米 我是这个节目的主持人
Thanks for taking a few minutes away from banana bread or whatever you're making to watch me talk to myself in my kitchen.
谢谢您能从香蕉、面包 或者其他什么食物中抽出几分钟的时间来看我在厨房里自言自语
I'd like to wish a warm first night of Passover to those who are celebrating it.
我想祝那些庆祝逾越节的人 祝他们能度过一个温暖的逾越节首夜
Who could have guessed there be an 11th plague this year.
谁能想到今年会发生第十一次瘟疫呢
And hello to those of you who join me earlier in prime time for the return of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire".
同时对那些之前参加了《谁想成为百万富翁》的回归盛典的观众朋友们说声好
What a big night for television that we said goodbye tonight to one of the great shows of all time-"Modern Family".
今晚对电视界来说是多么重要的时刻啊 因为今晚我们就要告别至今最伟大的电视剧之一——《摩登家庭》
We will celebrate later with the cast via the magic of video chat.
稍后我们将通过视频聊天这个神奇的方式和演员们一起庆祝
Tonight we will finally answer the question: what does Ed O'Neill wear around the house?
最终我们将在今晚回答这个问题：奥尼尔在家里穿什么？
This might be the new modern family. This is according to People magazine and they've never steered us wrong before.
这大概就是新式的现代家庭 根据《人物》杂志报道 该杂志从未将读者带跑偏过
Bruce Willis and to me Moore, who as you probably know were married at one time, are now in quarantine together.
布鲁斯·威利斯和摩尔 你们可能知道他们曾经结过婚 现在他们在一起隔离
There they are with their kids and a giant spoon. I don't what happened did they shrink?
看 这是他们和孩子们 还有一个巨大的勺子 这是咋了？是他们缩水了吗？
And what is with the pajamas? what is happening here?
睡衣是怎么回事？这里发生了什么？
Listen, I've seen "12 Monkeys". This is not how Bruce Willis is supposed to be handling a global pandemic.
听着 我看过《十二只猴子》 这不应该是布鲁斯·威利斯处理全球流行病的方式啊
We're really getting to see the insides of a lot of people's houses right now, even politicians.
我们现在真的有很多机会能看到别人家里是怎样的 甚至是某些政客的家里
Senator Lindsey Graham gave us a glimpse into his confirmed bachelor pad, after he held up the stimulus bill.
参议员林赛·格雷厄姆让我们得以一窥他那套确认无误的单身公寓 在他搁置经济刺激法案之后
Because he was concerned that these greedy and lazy nurses and hospital personnel would take unemployment money instead of showing up for work.
因为他担心那些贪婪懒惰的护士和医护人员会拿着失业的钱而不去上班
But yesterday he changed his tune significantly to send those same people his thanks and support on World Health Day.
不过昨天 他改变了态度 在世界卫生日当天向那些人表达了他的感谢和支持
We're in a war with this virus and our special forces are, our heroes are, our doctors are, our nurses, our EMTs, nurses aides,
我们正处于和新冠病毒抗争的时期 我们的特种部队是、我们的英雄是、我们的医生是、我们的护士、我们的急诊医生、护士助手
anybody and the supply chain to get food on the shelves. You're truly the heroes of this fight.
把食物放到货架上的任何人、任何供应商都是 你们都是这场斗争中当之无愧的英雄
What a beautiful piece of artwork. I had no idea Lindsey Graham knew how to paint.
(后面墙上)多么漂亮的画作啊 没听说林赛·格雷厄姆会画画呢
We also got to see the inside of Bernie Sanders's house.
我们还看到了伯尼·桑德斯的家里
The big story of the day, well the second big story I guess, is that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race for president.
今天的头条新闻 嗯 我想应该是第二头条新闻：伯尼·桑德斯退出总统竞选
He made the announcement from his home in Vermont where he has been holed up for weeks obviously without the benefit of a haircut.
他在他佛蒙特州的家里宣布了这一消息 很显然他在那里已经封藏了好几周了 连头发都没剪
I have concluded that this battle for the Democratic nomination will not be successful.
我的结论是 这场争取民主党提名的斗争注定失败
And so today, I'm announcing the suspension of my campaign.
所以今天 我宣布暂停我的竞选
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get Michael J Fox back to 1985.
如果你不介意的话 我要把迈克尔·J·福克斯弄回1985年
Within a few minutes of this news breaking, this was trending: R.I.P Bernie.
在这则新闻发布之后的几分钟里 大家的回应是：安息吧 伯尼 (R.I.P：拉丁文Requiescat in pace的缩写，愿逝者安宁的意思)
And you know, when you're in the middle of a pandemic talking about a 78 year old man, maybe choose your hashtag a little bit more carefully.
你知道 如果你在流行病正盛之际谈论一位78岁的老人 那么标签不能用得太随意
Give Bernie credit though, he held on for longer than your mother on the phone. Even after you thought it was over, had a few more ideas to share.
不过请相信伯尼 他会比你妈妈在电话里唠叨的时间还要坚持得久 你以为他结束了 不 他还会跟你分享想法
Bernie as you know is in his 70s. Biden is in his 70s. Trump is in his 70s. And after this past month, we are...we are all in our 70s too.
伯尼70多岁了 拜登70多岁了 特朗普70多岁了 这几个月过去之后 我们也会提前步入70岁高龄
So now it's Biden versus Trump, sleepy vs.creepy.
所以现在是拜登和特朗普的对决 “昏昏欲睡”和“毛骨悚然”的对决
You know the president spoke at Joe Biden on the telephone this week. and according to Biden,
大家都知道 总统这周给乔·拜登打了电话 据拜登称
it was a good conversation and Trump was very gracious on the call.
这是一次很好的谈话 特朗普在电话中非常亲切
I don't know that doesn't sound right to me. Is it possible Joe dialed Alec Baldwin by mistake?
我听起来 怎么感觉哪里不对呢 有没有可能是乔打错电话打给了亚历克·鲍德温？
I really don't know how he finds the time, but Trump has been on TV a lot lately, even more than usual. It's like he hosts a daily show now.
真不知道特朗普是怎么把时间挤出来的 他最近经常上电视 甚至比平时上的次数还要多 就好像他在主持每日秀一样
You know when this nightmare got started, he kept saying
你知道 当噩梦(新冠病毒)开始的时候他就一直在说
it'll be fine, it's like the flu, it's no big deal, all you have to do is paint your face Orange, you'll be okay.
没事的 就和流感一样 不是啥大事 只要把脸涂成橙色(特朗普专用色)就没事了
But we learned yesterday that one of his top advisors, Peter Navarro, warned him in January and February.
但我们昨天得知 他的高级顾问之一彼得·纳瓦罗在1月份和2月份的时候都曾警告过特朗普
He wrote a memo saying that this would be very bad. There will be a lot of deaths.
他写了一份备忘录 称情况会非常糟糕 会有很多人死亡
But Trump, as you might imagine, has a different way of looking at that.
但是特朗普 如你所想 对此持异议
When Peter Navarro did circulate those memos, you were still downplaying the threat coronavirus in the u.s..
就在彼得·纳瓦罗散播那些备忘录的时候 你还在淡化冠状病毒对美国的威胁
You were saying things like: I think it's a problem that's going to go away with...
你当时是这么说的：我觉得这个病毒会随着……而去
You said within a couple of days the cases will be down to zero.
你说过几天之内病例增加就会减少到零
Well, the cases really didn't build up for a while. But you have to understand how much cheerleader for this country.
好吧 病例在一段时间内确实没有上升吧 但是你得明白 这个国家没有多少支持者(拉拉队队员)
Give me a B. Give me an S. He's more of a fear leader than a cheerleader.
给我来个B 给我来个S 与其说他是支持者 不如说他是恐惧制造者
He is so ready to move on from this. He tweeted today:
他早就做好推卸责任的准备了 今天他发布了推特：
the horror of the invisible enemy, except for those that sadly lost a family member a friend, must be quickly forgotten.
对无形敌人的恐惧 除了那些不幸失去亲人和朋友的人之外 必须快速忘记
No, it should not be forgotten. we need to remember, so the next time it happens we're prepared for it.
不 不应该忘记 我们应该记住 这样下次发生的时候我们才能做足准备
All so is this how we handle tragedies now?
这就是我们现在处理悲剧的方式吗？
We forget...what happened to "never forget"? We went from "never forget" that "forget about it".
我们忘记……“永不忘记”去哪了？ “永不忘记”教会我们“忘记吧”
You know, even though the CDC is telling us to wear masks. Trump says he won't.
你知道 虽然疾病控制中心告诉我们说要戴口罩 但是特朗普说他不会戴
And we now know why he doesn't feel the need to do that.
现在我们知道他为什么觉得没必要戴了
Anyone who comes to visit Trump gets a corona virus test before they enter.
任何来拜访特朗普的人在进入白宫之前都要接受冠状病毒测试
The way it works is if you go to the White House to meet with the president,
就是说 如果你要去白宫会见总统
they'll give you a rapid test to make sure guests don't have the virus before interacting with them.
那么在你见之前会先给你做一个快速的测试 确保你没有携带病毒
Basically, the White House is running on the same rules as a porno set right now.
说白了 白宫现在的运转程序和色情片是一样样儿的
Trump also gave us a sneak preview of the kind of nonsense. We have to look forward to come November.
特朗普还让我们先睹为快 我们不得不期待11月份的到来
The new plan to suppress voting is to go after mail-in ballots.
抑制投票的新计划是采用邮寄选票的方式
Because of the possibility that this virus could still be a concern on Election Day.
因为病毒在选举到来之日很有可能还没有得到解决
A lot of people want to put more focus on mail-in ballots. So you don't have to risk your life to cast your vote.
所以很多人寄希望于邮寄选票的方式 这样大家就不用冒着生命危险去投票
But Donald Trump would prefer we line up.
不过唐纳德·特朗普更希望我们排着队去投票
You were highly critical of mail-in voting, mail-in ballots for voting.
你非常反对邮寄投票 邮寄的方式投票
I think mail-in voting is horrible.
我认为邮寄投票很可怕
…we were voted by now in Florida's election in last month. Do you know?
……我们上个月在佛罗里达州的选举中已经投票了 你知道吗
Sure, I could vote by mail further. Because I'm allowed to. Well, that's called out-of-state.
当然 我可以进一步说通过邮件投票 因为我有权这么做 嗯 那叫做州外
You know why I vote it? Because I happen to be in the white house. And I won't be able to go to Florida.
你知道我为什么投票吗 因为我正好在白宫 我不能去佛罗里达
There's a big difference between somebody that's out-of-state and does a ballot.
州外的人和投票的人之间有很大的区别
And everything sealed certified, and everything else you see what you have to do with the certifications.
所有的东西都是密封认证的 包括你看到的其他和认证有关的东西也是
And you get thousands and thousands of people sitting in somebody's living room, signing ballots all over the place.
成千上万的人坐在某个人家的客厅里 到处签署选票
No, I think that mail-in voting is a terrible thing.
不 我认为邮寄投票是一件可怕的事情
Wow, yes, it would be, even if a word of that was true it would be a terrible thing.
哇 对 很可怕 如果你说的有一个字是真的那才叫可怕
He just makes stuff up. No one was signing thousands and thousands of ballots in their living room unless he was.
他就是在扯蛋 没有人会在客厅里签署成千上万的选票 难道他签过？
There's not a shred of evidence that happened.
一点儿证据都没有
What he's doing...he's trying to set the stage for if he loses. If he loses, he'll claim the vote was fixed.
他所做的……他在为自己输掉竞选做准备 如果他输了 他会称投票结果被人提前设好了
He's teeing us up for a civil war.
他准备让我们打一场内战
And how can Donald Trump tell us not to use the mail? The mail is how he ordered two of his wives.
唐纳德·特朗普怎么会不让我们使用邮件呢？他自己不就是通过邮件订购了两房媳妇的吗
Leadership seems hard to come by as of lately. Parts of Louisiana on top of the stay at home orders, they have a curfew and police
看来近期不会有支持者出现了 路易斯安那州的部分地区除了家庭禁令外 还有宵禁和警察
and the city of Crowley came up with an overly creative way to enforce that.
克罗利市想出了一个非常有创意的办法来执行禁令
Yeah, you might remember that when that's a siren from the movie franchise-the "Purge".
是的 你可能还记得那是系列电影《人类清除计划》里面的警笛声
"Purge" is a horror movie about a national holiday, in which all crimes including murder are legal for 12 hours.
《人类清除计划》是一部关于一个全国性节日的恐怖电影 在这个节日里 包括谋杀在内的所有犯罪行为在12小时内都是合法的
When that time period starts sirens go off to signal all emergency services are unavailable.
时间开始时 警报响起 表示所有紧急服务不可用
The department received more than 500 facebook comments asking: why? it's using the siren.
该部门收到了超过500条的脸书评论 询问：为什么？警报器怎么会响？
It was to remind people that this is a very serious matter.
这是为了提醒人们 问题真的很严重
Okay. Well. Mission accomplished.
好吧 嗯 任务完成
