Hey, it's Spade, man. Welcome to Jimmy Kimmel Live.

I'm your guest host David Spade or as people on the street call me from behind "Edie Falco".

Sometimes they call it from the front too.

I'm filling in for jimmy who is taking the summer off to talk to a customer service representative at comcast.

Guy's been on hold since March. Two for two.

By the way, before we go any further, just so you know Matt Damon is not waiting around to be on jimmy's show every night, never was.

He's not getting bumped because they ran out of time.

He and Jimmy are good friends. There was no feud whatsoever. It's all made up.

Great, what else can I burn to the ground on this show?

Oh, Guillermo. He's not even mexican. He's Polish. His name is Igor Kowalski.

It's a web of lies, Guillermo. How you doing, man?

I'm doing good.

How do I know that's not a lie?

Anyway, I will probably come back to you maybe after the show's over.

All right. at the start of the pandemic, I was hosting my own show on comedy central now.

I'm guest hosting Jimmy's Vlog in an empty pottery barn where they shoot young and the restless. Things are clicking.

By the way, if you had told me 10 years ago that today I'd be hosting a late night talk show in a house for no one,

I would have said, yeah, but i'll still have cool hair right? That's all I care about.

You know there's a lot of bad haircuts out there right now, a lot of tick tock haircuts.

So all we've had to do for the past five months is take edibles and cut our own hair.

I've realized I've had some real doozies over the years.

I basically look like I've been cutting my own hair during the pandemic since I was 12.

I used to go to a place to go to get my haircut called "We Make It Look Self-cut".

All right. Here's a good one. It's a hairdo that screams. Do you know who my father is?

Because you're gonna be hearing from our lawyer.

These are jokes off the picture. Everybody gets that, right? Okay.

Next here I am finding out I just got accepted into a restricted golf club.

If you want that haircut, you just tell your barber you want to look like a guy

who accidentally killed an escort in a lifetime tv movie or was it an accident? We'll be back.

And here's a classic. Wait, actually this one's just a photo of Meg Ryan.

Is that sleepless in seattle? That shouldn't be in there. Put the ones in me.

All right. This one's good. I look like the twin brother Keith Urban doesn't like or talk about.

Shows up at gigs with a plus one, hey, I'm with Keith. It's all good man. I'm a little effed up though. where's the green room?

Just look at that picture and think there's a guy who would ask to go dutch on an abortion.

whoa, read the cards first, Spade.

What's next? All right. I'm not proud of this one.

But at some point in our lives we all go through a soft kid rock phase.

And finally a classic divorced dad who just bought a speedboat.

Look at me. Hey, that's not me drunk leaving a bar in a paparazzi shot. Okay.

You know, switching gears…it's hard to be a comedian right now. And i'll show you. here's a couple jokes.

There's a lot going on in the world. it's a setup.

CARDIB released wop merchandise including raincoats and umbrellas.

she says she wants to protect people from all those H2OS out there. Element joke. Check the chart.

Brothels in Berlin have just reopened and there's no sex allowed.

it's the first time the fish nets are being used to actually catch fish. Little Carson, a couple people in the back. Literally a couple, maybe one.

Scientists have found live coronavirus up to 16 feet away from a patient.

They say corona lingers so long it's still making jokes about tiger king. I like that one.

some AMC theaters are offering movie tickets for as little as 15 cents.

That way moviegoers can save their money for caskets because they're gonna die.