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It's a Friday afternoon, I have finally finished my workday, and there is just one thing on my mind:
一个周五的下午。我终于结束一天的工作，脑子里只想着一件事：
I can finally go to the supermarket and get those cookies I've been dreaming about my whole day.
我终于可以去超市买自己想了一整天的饼干。
I get to the local store which is near my flat, I get near the aisle where there's bunch of cookies,
我来到公寓旁边的小商店，来到摆放饼干的货架，
and I'm standing there with a gaze, and I notice there's a little girl next to me.
我站在那儿看着，发现旁边站着一个小女孩。
She's about four or five, let's call her Lucy.
她大约四五岁，我们暂且叫她露西吧。
And Lucy has that same smile on her face like, "All of these are going to be mine!"
她的脸上带着笑意，好像在说：“这些都是我的！”
At that moment, I just take one or two packs for myself, she sees how I do this, she's like, "Aha, this is how it works."
那一刻，我拿了两包饼干，她看到之后就好像说：“啊，我知道怎么办了。”
She takes ten of them, puts them in her armpits and victoriously goes to the cashier's office.
她拿了十包，夹在腋窝下，胜利者般地走向收银台。
And you have that sensation there's like ponies and rainbows and the sun is shining and she's going to have a blastly Friday.
你的感觉就像是看到彩虹，小马，阳光耀眼，她会有一个情绪高涨的周五。
I gather my stuff, get to the cashier's, and I notice we are in the same queue.
我拿好自己的东西来到收银台，我发现我们站在一列。
Lucy is there with her mom, she's thrown all the cookies there in the basket
露西和妈妈在一起，她把所有饼干都放到购物篮里，
and unfortunately, as life is, mom takes all the cookies out, just leaves one pack.
可不幸的是，生活往往如此，妈妈拿走了所有的饼干，只留下一包。
And when she takes them out, you notice that the sunshine and rainbows slowly start to fade.
这时候，你看到阳光和彩虹慢慢消散。
And that's when Lucy starts to become a bit grim, she becomes a bit angry and starts to say, "Wait, wait, hold on there Sparky, what's going on?"
露西开始变得有点不开心，有点生气，说道：“等等，等等，Sparky等一下，怎么了？”
And then she realizes this is not going to end well,
她意识到事情有些不妙，
and those rainbows and sunshine turn into rainy clouds and a thunderstorm, and that small sweet Lucy isn't sweet Lucy anymore.
这些彩虹和阳光变成了雨云和雷电，可爱的小露西不再可爱了。
She becomes angry and shouts, and yells, "Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why? I want those cookies!" and so on and starts to cry suddenly.
她开始生气得大吼大叫：“为什么？为什么你要这么对我？为什么？我要买这些饼干！”边说边突然哭了出来。
And then there's kind of a fuss around the situation -- everybody looks at how the mom is going to react
接着周围一阵嘈杂，每个人都看着这个妈妈会怎么办，
and at this magical moment, all of you probably know, a magical thing happens.
在这个奇妙的时刻，大家都可能知道，一个奇妙的事发生了。
Somewhere from the store, the granny appears.
就在商店的某个地方，一位老奶奶出现了。
She appears and starts to have an opinion, of course, on the matter.
她出现了，开始对这件事发表意见。
"Oh, in my time, things were different." Yada yada yada.
“哦，在我的年代，事情完全不同。”等等等等。
Let's pause for a brief moment here. What you've just heard is basically a part of my daily life.
我们先暂停一下。你们刚刚听到的就是我生活中一个部分。
Being a medical doctor and a psychotherapist, I hear a lot of stories which people go through.
作为一名心理治疗师，我听到很多人和我说过类似的故事。
And there is this myth that you have to, as a doctor,
作为一名医生，有一个误区，
distance yourself a bit from patients in order to not get too involved, too attached and so on, which is not quite true.
那就是你必须让你和病人产生距离，以便不会过多卷入或太充满爱心，这是不对的。
When you are a psychotherapist, you need to actually let yourself feel to some degree, to some extent what the patient feels.
当你是一个心理治疗师，你必须某种程度上感同身受，感受病人的心理。
How that works is not magic, it's simple biology.
这个工作原理不是魔法，只是生物学。
You have a part of your brain that is called the limbic system, which is responsible for how you feel, where your emotions, yours and mine, reside.
你的大脑中有一个部分叫做边缘系统，负责你的感觉、你的感情、你的和我的感情。
And when you have an emotional reaction, it's never logical, it's neurophysiological, it's biology, it could be completely illogical.
当你有情绪反应时，它从来不是合乎逻辑的，它是神经生理学的，它是生物学的，它可能是完全不合逻辑的。
And when somebody feels something, you can start to feel in a similar manner.
当有人产生某些感受，你可以有同样方式的感受。
To give you an example, few years ago, me and my girlfriend were asked to babysit our friend's infant.
给你们举一个例子，几年前，我和我的女友受邀去照看朋友的孩子。
Let's call him David. David is about eight, yeah, eight months old.
我们叫他大卫。他大概8个月大。
We arrive at their place, we go in, and you have like a déjà vu feeling, like sunshine and rainbows and ponies.
我们来到他的家，走进去，你有一种似曾相识的感觉，像阳光，彩虹，小马。
Everything is great, you go in, it's going to be a blasty evening.
一切都很好，你进来了，这将是一个美好的夜晚。
The parents leave; we have a very nice time with David. But the infant who is eight month old is at a very special age.
他的父母走开了，我们和大卫玩得很开心。但是八个月大的婴儿处于一个非常特殊的年龄阶段。
Everything's kind of nice up until one point David notices something. "You're not my real parents, now, are you?"
一切都很好，直到大卫注意到一点：“你们不是我真正的父母，对吗？”
At which point, David starts to cry, as babies do. For five minutes.
这时候，大卫像其他婴儿一样开始哭泣。哭了五分钟。
"Oh, David, it's going to be fine." "We just have to caress him, maybe put him to bed." Fifteen. OK, then.
“哦，大卫，没事的。”“我们只需要抚摸他，也许就可以让他睡觉。”十五分钟。好吧。
"Let's change the diaper." "Yeah, sure, let's change the diaper." We change the diaper. Twenty five, for Christ's sake.
“我们给他换个尿布。”“是的，当然，我们来换尿布。”我们换了尿布。二十五分钟，看在上帝的份上。
"Let's feed him?" "Yes, let's feed him!" We feed him. Forty.
“给他喂奶吗？”“是的，我们来喂他！”我们喂他。四十分钟。
At this point, you start to have various ideas in your head, like, for example, "David! Shut up, David! Please shut up!"
此时，你的脑海中开始浮现各种想法，例如，“大卫！闭嘴！请闭嘴！”
or that you would just leave him somewhere, or you could just ignore him for the rest of the evening.
或者你只是将他留在某个地方，或者你可以在整个晚上都不理他。
But you realize you can't do that. An hour. An hour and ten.
但是你意识到你无法做到这一点。一小时。一个小时零十分钟。
And I remember so vividly, my girlfriend was holding David in her hands, and he's still crying.
我非常清晰地记得，我的女友正抱着大卫，但他仍在哭泣。
We're standing in the doorway, we look at each other, and we realize we're screwed!
我们站在门口，看着彼此，意识到搞砸了！
At that moment, what basically happens on a neurobiological level,
在那一刻，基本上发生在神经生物学的水平上，
you can't act out in this instance when you want to shake David, you want to put him away, you want to do something else.
在这种情况下，当你想甩掉大卫，想把他扔在一边，想做其他事情时，你都做不了。
But it's interesting to notice in yourself how you actually feel.
如果你注意到自己的实际感受，这会很有趣。
And how I actually felt at that moment was completely helpless, angry, in despair, scared at the same time, I don't know what to do.
那一刻我的实际感觉是完全无助、愤怒、绝望，同时害怕，我不知道该怎么办。
If you think about it, it's the same way how David feels.
如果你再想一下，这与大卫的感受相同。
He's been abandoned by his parents -- bastards left him all alone with these two strangers at home.
他被父母抛弃了，混蛋父母让他独自一人和这两个陌生人在家。
God knows what they're doing. So he's abandoned, all alone, helpless, hopeless and scared.
上帝知道他们在做什么。因此，他被抛弃，无助，绝望和恐惧。
And the only thing you can do in this instance is to just be there with him and to feel him and to help him in his feelings what he's feeling.
在这种情况下，你唯一可以做的就是与他待在一起，感受他，并帮助他感受自己的感受。
It's interesting, when we start to feel something, how our minds change, kind of to some degree tell us what we actually feel.
有趣的是，当我们开始感觉到某种东西时，我们的思想如何变化在某种程度上揭示了我们自己的实际感受。
Every single one of us has been born with a completely different set of a brain,
我们每个人出生时都拥有完全不同的大脑，
how we experience feelings, how intensively that happens -- but we experience all the same feelings.
我们如何体验感觉，这种感觉发生的强度如何，但是我们体验的都是相同的感觉。
The odd thing is while we are growing up we are taught, mostly by our parents, what feelings to feel and not to feel.
奇怪的是，在我们成长的过程中，主要是我们的父母教会了我们要去感受和不去感受的感觉。
Stereotypes exist because to some degree, they are true.
存在刻板印象是因为在一定程度上它们是正确的。
If we are very open about things, then if I ask the ladies of the audience you'll probably want your men to be emotional, right?
如果我们对事情很开放，那么如果我问听众中的女士们，你们希望自己的伴侣情绪化，对吗？
I can just -- "No." Someone said no. No? See? Proves my point!
我可以...“不”。有人说不。不？看，证明我的观点是对的！
So, to some degree you want him to be emotional, but if you're very open to yourself, you don't want the whole emotional spectrum.
因此，在某种程度，你希望他情绪化，但是如果你对自己非常开放，那么你就不需要整个情绪范围。
You want him to be firm and stable, a man on a high horse -- or Mercedes, whatever you prefer.
你想让他坚定而沉稳，一个骑着高头大马的人或开着梅赛德斯的人，随便你喜欢。
But you don't want that embarrassment, the shame, the fear, the excessive jealousy. You don't want that, do you?
但是你不想要那种尴尬、羞耻、恐惧和过度的嫉妒。你不想那样，对吧？
The same question would be for the men. You do want your lady next to you to be emotional, right?
对于男人来说，同样的问题。你确实想让旁边的女士情绪化，对吗？
Of course not. You want her to be on the shy side, maybe be afraid sometimes.
当然不是。你希望她有些害羞，有时可能会害怕。
You're going again ride on your high horse and your Mercedes, and save them from despair, but... good girls don't get angry, do they?
你再一次骑上高头大马，开着梅赛德斯，让他们摆脱绝望，但是善解人意的姑娘不会生气，是吗？
You don't like the hysteria, you don't like the anger.
你不喜欢歇斯底里，你不喜欢生气。
These are the stereotypes that are taught to kids already from day one, to basically eradicate some of the feelings that they have.
这些是从第一天开始就已经教给孩子的刻板印象，从根本上消除了他们的某些感受。
And the more the years go by, you start to actually think you don't feel something, and then you put your feelings somewhere else.
随着岁月的流逝，你开始真正地觉得自己没有任何感觉，然后将自己的感受放在别处。
You start to think you're angry at somebody else, you start to think you're afraid or ashamed of something else, which is not quite true.
你开始认为自己对其他人感到生气，开始认为自己对其他事情感到害怕或羞愧，这是不对的。
To maybe not talk so much broadly and saying everything about you, I'd like to share the story about me, how my feelings get in the way of my work.
为了不那么广泛地谈论你的一切，我想分享有关我的故事，我的感受如何影响我的工作。
Four months ago, I received one of the worst phone calls you can get.
四个月前，我接到了最糟糕的一通电话。
In the evening, when I finished my work, my mom called me and told me those words I was always afraid to hear from her: that my father had passed away.
那是在晚上，当我完成工作，我妈妈给我打电话，告诉我一直害怕听到的消息：我父亲去世了。
And I remember when I came home, how filled with rage I was. I screamed and I yelled, I broke some furniture in my apartment.
我记得当我回到家时，我充满了愤怒。我尖叫着大喊，我弄坏了公寓里的一些家具。
And my girlfriend was there to see that thing happening to me.
我的女朋友在那里目睹了整件事。
Of course, the funeral goes by and life goes on.
当然，葬礼如期举行，生活还在继续。
Then you start to notice something interesting, that some weeks have passed, and walking on the streets to work,
然后你开始注意到一些有趣的事情，几周之后，我走在街上去上班，
I don't even think about my dad in any way, any shape or form, but I'm looking at the people around me,
我甚至不会以任何方式、任何情况或形式想到我的父亲，但我看着身边的人，
and I notice a feeling in myself: I hate every single one of them.
我发现自己有一种感觉：我讨厌每一个人。
I hate their smile, even hate babies that I see.
我讨厌他们的微笑，甚至讨厌看到婴儿。
You start to notice, what the hell is happening to me?
你开始注意到，我到底怎么了？
You get to work, you're angry at your colleagues.
你开始工作，对同事生气。
You want to tell them how important it is to cherish relationships,
你想告诉他们珍惜关系有多重要，
how important it is to do stuff, to do things on time, not to let things go, and so on and so on and so on.
按时完成任务，不耽误事情有多重要等等。
Months have passed, and I was asked to do this TED Talk.
几个月之后，我被邀请做这次的TED演讲。
I was preparing the speech for my TED Talk, and every single time I did it, I realized it is not good enough.
然后我就为TED演讲准备，每当我做一次演讲，我就意识到演讲得不够好。
This isn't good enough, that isn't good enough. At some point, I even had the idea I'm going to cancel this whole TED thing.
这还不够好，那还不够好。在某个时候，我甚至想到要取消这次的TED演讲。
I called up my mom and said, "You know, I think I'm going to give up all this TED thing. I don't want to do it."
我给妈妈打电话，说：“我想我会放弃TED演讲。我不想去。”
And she said, "Why?"
她说：“为什么？”
"Well, because, I don't know, because I am going to stand there and don't know what I'm going to say and so on."
“好吧，因为，我不知道，因为我要站在那儿，也不知道我要说什么，等等。”
And then it hit me, why I didn't want to be here. It's not because I don't know what to say.
然后我被这个问题击中，为什么我不想在这里。不是因为我不知道该说些什么。
I give lectures all the time. I know what I am going to talk about.
我一直在讲课。我知道我要说什么。
The reason why I didn't want to be here because I know I would feel something standing right here. What I am actually feeling right now.
我之所以不想在这里，是因为我知道当我站在这儿，我会有一种感觉，我现在就有这种感觉。
I notice my heart racing. I notice that I'm sad that he is not here.
我注意到我的心脏跳动。我注意到他不在这里我感到很难过。
He's not going to call me after this lecture. I notice that I'm angry that that's an inevitable thing of life.
在这次演讲之后，他不会给我打电话。我注意到我很生气，这是生活中不可避免的事情。
At the same time, I'm to some degree maybe scared or ashamed: What if I drop a tear while I'm talking to you? How awful is that going to look?
同时，我在某种程度上可能会感到害怕或羞愧：如果我和大家说话时流泪怎么办？这看起来有多可怕？
But I didn't finish the story about Lucy, did I?
但是我还没有讲完关于露西的故事，对吗？
If we go back to Lucy, Lucy's mom could've done anything.
我们回到露西的故事，她的妈妈本可以做任何事情。
She could've told her, "That's not how a girl behaves. Look at that granny who's shouting at you.
她本可以对她说：“女孩子应该注意言行举止。看着那个向你大喊大叫的奶奶。
Look at the man, that tall man behind you, he is looking weirdly at you."
看着那个男人，你身后的那个高个子，他正怪异地看着你。”
I'm looking what was actually happening. And she didn't just keep silent and not say anything.
我静静地看着。她不只是保持沉默，什么也没说。
She didn't devalue her, she didn't condemn her, she didn't do anything of the sort.
她没有贬低她，没有谴责她，她没有做任何这类事情。
All she did was to get the groceries that she had, took Lucy on her arms,
她所做的只是拿走了杂货，将露西抱在怀里，
and I heard her just so vaguely that Lucy continued to tell mom, "I want those cookies so badly," and "I wanted them."
我听得很含糊，以至于露西继续跟她妈妈说：“我非常想要那些饼干。我想要饼干。”
And the only thing Lucy's mom said to Lucy was, "I know, honey. I know you did. But it's OK to be angry, it's OK to be sad."
露西的妈妈对露西说的唯一一句话是：“我知道，亲爱的。我知道你做到了。你生气没关系，悲伤也是正常的。”
And I remember I'm walking home from this very simple scene any one of you has maybe already seen.
我记得我要从这个非常简单的场景中回家，任何人可能都见过这个场景。
I go in my apartment. My girlfriend meets me. She asks me, "Well, how was your day?"
我走进我的公寓。我的女朋友碰到了我。她问我：“你今天过得怎么样？”
I said, I started off with a smile on my face, said, "I just saw a girl not get any cookies."
我的脸上带着微笑，说道：“我只是看到一个女孩没有获得饼干。”
She's like, "What? Are you OK?"
她说：“什么？你还好吗？”
"I'm probably in a psychotic state right now." I said, "No." I told her the whole story about the store.
我说：”我现在可能处于精神病状态。“我把商店里的整个故事给她讲了一遍。
And at some point I notice that my smile turns into a single tear that I have.
那时。我注意到我的微笑变成了一滴眼泪。
She asked me, "Why are you crying? Is everything OK?"
她问我：“你为什么哭了？一切都还好吗？”
I said "No. I miss him, like a lot."
我说：“不。我非常想念他。”
And the hardest thing about feelings, actually, is that it's easy, to some degree, to think about them in your head.
实际上，关于感觉的最困难的事情是，在某种程度上，在脑海中思考这些感觉很容易。
But it's much harder to actually express them out loud.
但实际上很难大声表达出来。
And all of my patients every single time ask me one of the same questions:
我所有的病人每次都问我一个相同的问题：
"What's the difference that I tell you that I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm helpless, I'm hopeless, I'm happy? What's the difference?"
“我告诉你我很生气、害怕、无助、无望、快乐，有什么用？有什么用？”
And I tell them, "This is the difference, that somebody's here -- this time it's me -- who actually doesn't just understand what you are going through,
我告诉他们：“不同之处在于，有人在这里，这次是我，实际上不仅仅了解你正在经历的事情，
but I feel what you're feeling to a certain amount."
而且还可以一定程度地感受到你的感受。”
Question always is, the experiences we have in life,
一直存在的问题是，我们生活中的经历，
how will that impact your and my ability to, let's say, be there with somebody and feel these feelings?
会对你和我感受这些感觉的能力产生怎样的影响？
The same way as David needed somebody to be there, the same way Lucy needed somebody to be there, even I need somebody there to be there for me.
就像大卫需要有人在场一样，露西也需要有人在场，甚至我也需要有人在场。
And I hope every single one of you has the experience that not somebody understands you, but somebody feels you. Thank you.
我希望你们每个人都有不是有人了解你，而是有人能与你感同身受的经历。谢谢。
