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Alright. I have a close, tight-knit circle of friends.
我有一群关系很亲密的朋友。
We're all in different cities and we're all in different areas, from local news to city government to law, financial services.
我们住在不同的城市，从事不同的职业，从当地新闻台，到市政府，再到法律、金融服务等领域。
And despite those different areas, we seem to share similar stories of workplace drama.
尽管我们工作的领域不同，我们在职场中遇到的戏剧性冲突却很相似。
Now, I define workplace drama as an annoyance that adds additional stress to the job.
我把职场冲突定义为一种给工作增添了额外压力的烦扰。
So again, it's when people get on your nerves, not the job itself.
这种烦扰是其他人给你带来的，而非来自工作本身。
So as we're going through these stories, I'm realizing there has to be a better way for us to coexist with our coworkers without this much drama.
当我们交流这些故事时，我意识到，一定有某种方法能让我们跟同事和睦相处，从而避免过多戏剧性的冲突。
So I created a few steps that have been working for me, and I'm happy to share them with you guys today.
于是我就设计了几个自己感觉非常有用的步骤，我很高兴今天能够与大家分享。
Step 1: rewind and reflect, also known as, "What did I do?"
第一步：回顾与反思，也就是：“我做了什么？”
I want you guys to all replay your most recent workplace drama situation in your head like a movie.
我希望各位可以在脑海中像电影一样回放最近在职场中遇到冲突的场景。
Ignore all of the emotion and just focus on you.
忽略所有情绪，仅专注于自身。
But for now, let's just think about this hypothetical:
不过现在，让我们假想一下：
say you're on a group project, you each have your own individual assignments and then you all divide up the work.
你正在做一个小组项目，你们每个人都有各自的任务，把所有工作都分配好了。
But then someone becomes unresponsive -- not answering calls, they go ghost.
但忽然有人失去了联络--不接电话，人间蒸发。
Then you or someone else has to now pick up that additional slack.
导致你或其他人需要接手被丢下的额外工作。
So in a brief, small, very tiny lapse in judgment, you vent to the nearby coworker.
紧接着因为一个短暂、渺小、轻微的判断失误，你跟旁边的同事发泄了一下。
Then all of a sudden, your ghost comes back, and they surprisingly know everything you just said.
突然，消失的人回来了，还意外地知道了你所说的一切。
Now, what did I do in this situation? I vented to someone who was not my confidant.
那在这种情况下，我做了些什么呢？我向并非密友的人抱怨。
Why would I do that? Sometimes we create this unspoken bond with people that only exists in our heads.
为什么我会这么做？有些时候，我们以为和他人心照不宣，却可能是自作多情。
They don't owe me their discretion. I just assumed it was there.
他们没有义务替我保密。我只是默认会有这种默契。
So we're not going to go down a rabbit hole, trying to figure out why they did that.
所以我们没必要刨根问底地试图弄清楚他们为什么要那么做。
It doesn't matter. They did it. But the goal in this step is self-reflection.
这不重要。他们就是这么做了。但是，这一步的目标是自我反思。
We need to focus on what did we do so we can avoid it in the future.
我们需要专注于我们做了些什么，这样才能避免在未来重蹈覆辙。
Step 2: come back to reality, also known as, "It needs to stop."
第二步：回到现实，也称为“是时候停下了。”
So you guys ever think about problems before you get to work? Oh -- it's just me?
你们可曾在上班之前考虑过会遇到的问题？哦--只有我一个吗？
Well, I'm guilty of it. I think about all of these situations in my head, and then I get mad just thinking about it.
好吧，我承认，我会在脑海里设想所有情况，但仅仅是想想这些事情都会让我生气。
So I'm telling myself, "No, you're just being prepared, Stacy." "You are just making sure that you can handle whatever they're about to throw at you."
我告诉我自己：“不，你只是想有备无患，斯黛西。”“你只是在确认你能够应对有可能发生的任何状况。”
But you're not. What you're really doing is setting yourself up and creating this anxiety in your head that doesn't exist.
但事实并非如此。你只不过是在给自己埋伏陷阱，并在脑海里制造了并不存在的焦虑。
Then we also have to be careful about listening to other people's made-up scenarios. Here's what I mean.
另外，在听别人假设的场景时，我们应当保持谨慎。我来解释一下。
Let's say you're in the break room, and you're talking to some coworkers. Then, all of a sudden, another coworker comes in.
比方说你正在休息室和一些同事聊天。突然另一位同事走了进来。
Now, they seem to just be in deep thought -- not overly cheerful, but they're not rude.
这位同事看起来像是在沉思--没有喜形于色，但也并不无礼。
They come in, they walk out. Then the coworkers over here begin to diagnose what they feel is wrong with that person.
他/她走进来，又走出去。接着这边的同事便开始分析他们觉得这个人哪里“不对劲”。
They're saying things like, "Oh, they're just mad they didn't get the job."
他们说：“哦，那人只是因为没拿到那份工作而生气。”
Or they're saying, "Oh, no, no, no -- during this season, they're just always upset."
或者他们说：“哦不不不，在这个季节，那人一直就是这么烦躁。”
And you're sitting here like, yep, that must be it. You're listening to this as if this is facts.
而你坐在这边，心想：嗯，一定就是这样。你把这些话当成了事实。
Meanwhile, this coworker can be in deep thought about literally anything.
与此同时，这位同事在沉思的有可能是任何事情。
They could have just opened a pack of Starburst, got four yellows back-to-back, and they're just trying to figure out what happened.
他有可能刚拆开了一包水果糖，一连吃了四块柠檬味的，现在正在怀疑人生。
But you're over here listening.
但是你在这边听到了。
And you're listening to their made-up scenario that now can impact how you choose to interact with that person throughout the day.
你听到了同事们编造的情景，现在有可能影响到接下来的一天里你打算如何与那个人互动。
Whether we're creating fake stories in our head or listening to other people's made-up stories, it needs to stop.
无论我们是在脑海里创作虚构的故事，还是在听别人捏造的故事，都需要停止。
The goal in this step: stop stressing over things that haven't happened. Alright.
这一步的目标：停止对还没发生的事情感到焦虑。好的。
Step 3: vent and release. It's good to have a vent buddy.
第三步：发泄和释放。有一个发泄伙伴是很好的。
This is your coach, your cheerleader, your therapist, whatever you need them to be in the moment.
这个人可以是你的教练、啦啦队、心理治疗师，或是在那一刻你需要这个人扮演的任何角色。
This is not like that person in Step 1 that just happened to be in earshot.
而不是第一步里遇到的碰巧在你身边的人。
You have an established relationship with your vent buddy.
你和你的发泄对象已经建立好了关系。
Now, here's another scenario. You're getting ready to tell a customer or a client something that they just don't want to hear.
现在有另外一个场景。你正准备告诉一位顾客或者客户他不想听到的消息。
So, as you're in the middle of this spiel, up comes another coworker, and they interrupt you and then says the exact same thing you were saying.
当你正在对客户滔滔不绝的时候，另一位同事过来了，他打断了你，然后说了和你刚才一模一样的话。
You can't make a scene in front of a customer. So you just have to sit back, "Mm-hmm," and just listen as they do this.
你不能在顾客面前大吵大闹。你只能若无其事的点头称是，然后听他继续。
And you're burning up inside. So what do we do?
而你的内心早已怒火中烧。我们该怎么做？
We go to our vent buddy. We talk about it. We get mad. And that's the time for that.
我们去找我们的发泄对象。我们谈论这件事，我们发火。这是应该发火的时候。
Get mad. Get angry. Curse, scream, do whatever you need to do to get it out.
你可以生气、咒骂、尖叫，尽己所能进行宣泄。
Now here's the hard part: you then have to switch that tone to positivity.
接下来是难点：接着你需要让语气变得积极。
I truly believe in positive and negative energy, and it has a way of controlling our moods throughout the day.
我坚信正能量和负能量，这些能量控制了我们一天的心情。
You've got to think of things like, "OK, where do I go from here? What can I do differently?"
你得去思考：“好的，接下来我要做什么？我可以做出什么改变？”
And then, if you're the vent buddy, it's your responsibility to lead your friend back to the positive.
如果你是被发泄对象，你的责任就是引导你的朋友重新变得积极。
Now, the other hard part: you have to then apply those learnings to the situation.
另一个难点：接下来你需要把学到的东西应用到现实场景中。
You can't carry that resentment around. If you do, that one-off situation now becomes a pattern.
你不能一直心怀不满，否则这种偶发的状况就会变成一种规律。
Pattern behavior is harder to ignore than a one-off situation.
行为模式比偶发情况更难忽视。
The goal in this step is, "Let's turn our vent session into a productive conversation."
这一步的目标是：“让我们把发泄时间变成有效率的对话。”
Step 4: learn a new language, also known as, "We need to talk."
第四步：学习一种新的语言，又称为“我们需要谈一谈。”
Guys, I personally don't like to pick up the phone at work. I just don't.
我个人不喜欢在上班时间接电话。我就是不喜欢。
I feel like whatever you need to say to me can be an instant message or an email. That is my work language.
我觉得不管你需要跟我说什么，都可以发信息或者邮件。这就是我的工作语言。
The only problem with that, you can't hear tone through an email.
唯一的问题在于，你没法在邮件里听到别人的语气。
I read emails the same way I speak, so I'm pretty sure I've misinterpreted some tones before, unless I know you.
我读邮件的方式和我说话时一样，所以我敢肯定我之前有误会过别人的语气，除非我对这个人很了解。
So here's an example. I'm going to show you guys an email, and I want you to read it, and then I'm going to read it out loud.
举一个例子。我将给各位展示一封邮件，我希望你们读一下，然后我会大声把它念出来。
Alright, that was fast enough, you should have read it.
好的，过了好几秒了，你们应该读完了。
"Stacy, Thank you for reaching out about my group. At this time, we will not need any additional support.
“斯黛西，感谢你与我们团队联系。目前我们不需要额外的帮助。
Going forward, if I feel we need help, I'll ask, you won't have to reach out.
日后，如果我觉得我们需要帮助，我会主动询问，你不必联系我们。
Per my last email, I've outlined what I do, and what you do, so we can avoid this in the future. As always, thank you for your partnership!!"
参见我上次的邮件，我概述了我做什么，以及你需要做什么，这样我们就可以避免类似的情况再次发生。一如既往，感谢你的合作！”
Guys... That's how you read it?
朋友们...你们刚才是这么读的吗？
Guys, there are certain words in there that if you hear or if you see in an email, it is safe to assume they typed it with their middle fingers.
这当中有一些用词，如果你听到或者是在一封邮件里看到这些字眼，你可以确信他们是用中指敲的这些字。
I didn't know it then. I know it now.
我之前不知道。不过现在我知道了。
I think I messed up some people's emails. They're correcting them.
我估计有些人也觉得不对劲，开始修正邮件里的措辞了。
With all of that said, you have to know when it is time to pick up the phone.
概括一下就是，你必须明白什么时候要打电话。
You have to know when it is time to have a face-to-face.
你必须明白什么时候面对面交流比较好。
And these face-to-face conversations are not easy. They are difficult, but they are necessary.
这些面对面的对话并不轻松。虽然困难，但是很有必要。
The goal is to try to understand the other person's perspective.
这里的目标是尝试理解对方的角度。
So you'll start the conversation with things like, "OK, you got upset when I ..."
你可以这样开启对话：“好的，我（做了某件事）让你觉得生气。”
Or you'll say things like, "OK, you already had the situation handled, and then I ..."
或者你可以说：“好的，你已经解决了当时的情况，然后我...”
So that way, you can see exactly where they're coming from.
这样你就可以准确地从对方的角度看待问题。
Also, don't try to make people like you. We all have our own upbringings.
还有，不要试图让别人变得和你一样。我们都有不同的成长经历。
We all have our experiences. And we all have our own communication styles.
我们都有自己的体验和交流方式。
As the new generations are entering the workforce, we're also adapting to it.
当新一代人进入职场，我们也要去适应这种变化。
Meetings are now emails. Emails are now texts. Off-sites are now Skype.
会议变成了邮件。邮件变成了短信。场外会面变成了视频通话。
So as we're adjusting to that, we need to at least try to understand what type of style of communication they use.
当我们在适应新的交流方式时，我们至少应试图了解别人在用哪种交流方式。
The goal in that step is to really understand their work language and accept the fact that it may be different than yours.
这一步的目标是真正理解别人的工作语言，并接受一个事实：别人的工作语言可能会和你不同。
Step 5: recognize and protect, also known as, "We need to take a walk."
第五步：认识和保护，也称为“我们需要出去走一走”。
So here's my last scenario from one of my teacher friends.
我要介绍的最后一个场景来自我的一位教师朋友。
You're about to have a meeting with a parent, and prior to it, you and a coworker, you kind of discuss it,
你正要和一位家长面谈，在那之前，你和一位同事讨论了一下，
and the coworker tells you, "It's alright, I got your back. I'm going to agree with your recommendations."
你的同事说：“没事，我挺你，我会同意你的推荐的。”
So you're kind of side-eyeing them because they've burned you before,
你斜眼看着这个人，因为他之前坑过你，
but you've had the "we need to talk," so you're like, "We're in sync now, I'm going to trust them."
但是你们谈过话了，所以你觉得：“我们步调一致了，我要相信这个人。”
You go through the meeting, the parent disagrees with you,
你去了这个会议，家长不同意你的观点，
and like clockwork, the coworker agrees with the parent in front of you, making you look ridiculous.
然后这位同事精准地在你面前赞同了家长的观点，让你出尽洋相。
Again, we can't make a scene in front of people, right? So you've got to hold it in.
我们还是不能在别人面前大发雷霆，对吧？你必须强忍怒火。
And then, after the meeting, that same coworker has all the audacity, comes up to you and says, "Crazy meeting, right?"
在会议结束之后，这位同事居然有胆子过来跟你说：“这会议太奇葩了，对吧？”
Yeah. They're testing you now. It's a test.
没错。他在考验你。这是个考验。
So that's the perfect time to just go off, right? This is a repeat offender.
这是个完美的爆发时机，对吧？这个人是惯犯了。
You walked away, and they came back with it.
你退避三舍，他得寸进尺。
But we're trying to avoid workplace drama, not take a cannonball leap into it, so we have to walk away.
但是我们要尽量避免职场冲突，而不是火上浇油，所以我们必须走开。
You lead that conversation by taking the first available exit.
你一找到时机就要退场，借此退出这段对话。
You're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you. You have to protect your energy.
你这么做不是为了他。你是为了你自己。你必须保护自己的正能量。
Don't try to figure out why they would do this, and no more coming-to-Jesus conversations.
不要试图深究为什么他们要这么做，也没必要再去促膝长谈。
It is what it is, they did what they did, and given the opportunity, they'd probably do it again.
事实就是这样，他们这么做了，有机会的话，他们很有可能会故技重施。
But you now know that. You now recognize that. So that way, you can act accordingly.
但是你现在已经知道了。你已经认识到了。这样，你就可以采取相应的行动。
We typically try to set expectations -- our expectations -- on other people, and then get disappointed when they don't follow through.
我们一般会尝试建立期望--我们对别人的期望，然后会因为别人没有达到预期而感到失望。
We have to learn to accept people where they are and adjust ourselves to handle those situations.
我们必须学会接受别人目前的状况，然后进行自我调整，以便处理这些情况。
The goal in this step is to recognize when it is time to professionally walk away from someone.
这一步的目标是认识到何时应该职业地远离一个人。
Guys, I realize these steps may come off as saying, "Take the high road."
我意识到这些步骤看起来像是在说“要活得高风亮节。”
And people always say it. "Just take the high road."
大家总是这么说。“只要保持高姿态就好。”
And they describe it as some elegant path of righteousness filled with rainbows and unicorns.
他们把这种方式形容成一条优雅而正直、充满彩虹和珍兽的道路。
It's not that. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It leaves this knot of resentment in the pit of your stomach.
事实并不是这样的。它令人尴尬，令人无地自容。它会在你的胃里打一个充满怨怼的结。
And as you're traveling down this amazing high road, you see billboards of things you shoulda said and things you shoulda did.
当你在这美好的道德高路上行走时，你看到告示牌上写着你当时应该说的事情，和你当时应该做的事情。
You go over there and you look at the easy road, and they're chillin', not worried about a thing.
你走过去看那条轻松的路，看到人们无忧无虑、一脸轻松。
But I have to admit, the more I travel down this road, it does get a little easier.
但是我得承认，当我在道德的路途上越走越远，我发现它确实变得更加轻松。
Petty situations, they don't bother me as much. I learn little nuggets here and there.
琐碎的事情不再让我那么烦恼了。我在各个地方都得到了宝贵的经验。
And as I continue down this path, there seem to be more opportunities waiting for me.
当我继续在这条路上前行时，好像有更多机会在前面等着我。
I have like-minded people who want to connect with me, projects that people want me on,
我遇到了志同道合、想与我保持联系的人，别人想让我参加的项目，
leaders reaching out because they heard about me through someone else.
领导向我抛出橄榄枝，因为他们从别人那里听说了我。
And the best part? The need to even look at the easy road is no longer there.
而最好的部分？就连去观望轻松道路的需求都不再存在了。
Guys, we're not going to change the way adults act in the workplace. We are not.
我们不会改变成年人在职场中的行为方式。我们不会这么做。
And for that reason, there will always be workplace drama.
因此，职场冲突将一直存在。
But if we stick to these steps and put in the work that comes with it, we can learn to avoid it.
但是如果我们坚持这些步骤，并付出相应的努力，我们就可以学会避免冲突。
Guys, thank you for being my vent buddies. And thank you so much for your time.
谢谢你们成为我的发泄对象。非常感谢各位。
