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So our story started several years ago, when my wife and I got a complaint letter in the mail from an anonymous neighbor.
我们的故事开始于几年前，我和妻子在邮箱里发现了一封来自一位匿名邻居的投诉信。
I'll never forget the way my wife transformed before my eyes from this graceful, peaceful, sweet woman
我永远不会忘记当时我妻子是如何在我眼前从一位优雅、恬静、甜美的女人
into just an angry mother grizzly bear whose cubs needed to be protected. It was intense.
化身成为保护幼崽的愤怒的灰熊妈妈。当时的气氛非常紧张。
So here's what happened. This is our family. This is my wife and I and our five awesome kids.
事情是这样的。这是我们一家人的照片。我和妻子，还有五个可爱的孩子。
We're pretty loud, we're pretty rambunctious, we're us.
我们爱吵，我们爱闹，这就是我们。
You'll notice, though, that two of our children look a little different than Mary and I, and that's because they came to us through adoption.
不过你们会发现，其中的两个孩子看起来跟我和玛丽有点不一样，那是因为他们是我们领养的孩子。
Our neighbor, though, saw two different-looking children playing outside of our house every day
然而我们的邻居每天都看到这两个“与众不同”的孩子在我们家外面玩耍，
and came to the conclusion that we must have been running an illegal day care out of our home.
他们因此认为我们一定是在家里开了一个非法的日托所。
We were really angry to have our children stereotyped like that, but I know that's a relatively minor example of racial profiling.
我们的孩子被打上这样刻板的标签让我们很生气，但我知道这只是“种族归纳”问题的冰山一角。
But isn't it sometimes what we all tend to do with people who think differently, or believe differently or maybe even vote differently?
但有时候，对待那些跟我们想法不同、信仰不同，甚至投票意愿不同的人，我们不也都有这么做的倾向吗？
Instead of engaging as true neighbors,
我们并未像真正的邻居那样相处，
we keep our distance and our actions towards those are guided by who we think sees the world as we do or who we think doesn't.
而是与他们保持距离，而我们对他们采取的行为则取决于他们看待世界的方式是否与我们相同。
See, what my neighbor suffered from is a condition called agonism.
我的邻居患了某种被称作“争胜主义”的症状。
And sometimes we all suffer from the same condition.
有时候，我们都会受到同样症状的困扰。
It's not a medical condition, but it is contagious. So let's talk a little bit about what agonism is.
这不是一种医学疾病，但却具有传染性。接下来让我们来聊一聊什么是争胜主义。
My favorite definition of agonism is taking a warlike stance in contexts that are not literally war.
我最喜欢的“争胜主义”的定义是“在非战争的情况下采取好战的姿态。”
Agonism comes from the same Greek root word "agon" from which we get "agony." How very appropriate.
“争胜主义”与“痛苦”这两个词都源自同一个希腊词根“agon”。多么合适啊。
We all tend to show symptoms of agonism when we hold on to two deeply held beliefs, first identified by author Rick Warren.
当我们坚持两个根深蒂固的信念时，彼此都容易表现出争胜的症状，这个说法最早由作家里克·沃伦提出。
The first one is that if love someone, we must agree with all they do or believe.
第一个信念是，如果我们深爱一个人，我们就必须赞成他们所做的或所相信的一切。
And the second is the inverse, that if we disagree with someone, it must mean that we fear or we hate them.
而第二个信念则是相反的：如果我们和一个人意见不同，那必然意味着我们害怕或者憎恶对方。
Not sure we really recognize the agony this way of thinking brings to us,
不知道我们是否真的意识到了这种思维方式给我们带来的痛苦：
when our relationships die because we think we have to agree or disagree no matter what.
由于我们认为无论如何都只能在同意与否之间两者择其一，我们的人际关系必然就会走向破裂。
Think about the conversations we've had around Brexit, or Hong Kong, maybe Israeli settlements or perhaps impeachment.
回想一下我们围绕英国脱欧、香港暴乱、巴以冲突，或者弹劾案进行过的对话。
I bet we could all think of at least one personal relationship that's been strained or maybe even ended because of these topics,
我敢打赌，我们都能想到至少一段私人关系因这些话题而变得紧张，甚至可能完全破裂，
or tragically, over a topic much more trivial than those.
或者更遗憾地，因为更加微不足道的话题而决裂。
The cure for agonism is not out of reach. The question is how.
治愈争胜主义的方法并非遥不可及，关键在于该怎么做。
So might I suggest two strategies that my experience has taught me to start with.
那么根据我的经验，我建议从以下两点策略入手。
First, cultivate common ground, which means focusing on what we share.
首先，培养共同点，也就是关注我们共有的东西。
I want you to know I'm using my words very, very deliberately.
我想让大家知道，我的用词是非常谨慎的。
By "cultivate," I mean we have to intentionally work to find common ground with someone.
我说的“培养”是指我们要有意识地去努力寻找与他人的共同点。
Just like a farmer works to cultivate the soil.
就像农夫努力耕地一样。
And common ground is a common term, so let me at least explain what I don't mean,
由于“共同点”是一个常见的词，所以我要先解释一下我的意思，
which is I don't mean by common ground that we were exact, or that we totally agree and approve.
我说的“共同点”并不是说我们要完全相同，或者完全赞同和认可对方。
All I mean is that we find one unifying thing that we can have in a relationship in common with another person.
而是说，我们发现了一件可以让我们在与他人的关系中找到共同点的事物。
You know, sometimes that one thing is hard to find.
有时候这一件东西是很难找到的。
So I'd like to share a personal story, but before I do, let me tell you a little bit more about myself.
所以我想跟大家分享一个我自己的故事，但在分享之前，我想简单介绍一下自己。
I'm Caucasian, cisgender male, middle class, evangelical Christian.
我是高加索人，顺性男，中产阶级，福音派基督徒。
And I know, as soon as some of those words came out of my mouth, some of you had some perceptions about me.
我知道，当我说出这些名词的时候，你们中的一些人就已经对我有了一些看法。
And it's OK, I know that not all those perceptions are positive.
没关系，我知道并非所有人的看法都是正面的。
But for those who share my faith, know that I'm about to cut across the grain. And you may tune me out as well.
但我想告诉和我信仰相同的人，接下来我说的将会违背常理。当然你们可以选择忽略。
So as we go, if you're having a hard time hearing me, I just gently ask that you reflect and see if you're buying into agonism.
接下来，如果你觉得很难理解我说的内容，那么请稍微反思一下，你是否相信“争胜主义”这个概念。
If you're rejecting me simply because you think you see the world differently than I do,
是否仅仅因为你与我看待世界的角度不同，就对我加以否定。
because isn't that what we're here talking about? Alright, ready?
这不就是我们现在正在讨论的主题吗？准备好了吗？
So I've been thinking a lot about how to find common ground in the area of gender fluidity, as an evangelical Christian.
我一直在思考作为一名福音派基督徒，如何在性别流动的领域中找到共同点。
For Christians like me, we believe that God created us man and woman. So what do I do?
对于像我这样的基督徒而言，我们相信，上帝把人类创造成了男性和女性。那么我该怎么做呢？
Do I throw up my hands and say, "I can't have a relationship with anybody who is transgender or LGBTQIA?" No.
我是不是要摊手说：“我不能和任何一个变性人或者LGBTQIA扯上关系？”不。
That would be giving into agonism.
这么做就等于向争胜主义屈服了。
So I started looking at the foundational aspects of my faith, the first of which is that of the three billion genes that make us human
于是我开始审视自己信仰中的基本理念，首先是造就我们人类的30亿个基因，
and by the way, we share 99.9 percent of those genes -- that I believe those three billion genes are the result of an intelligent designer.
顺便说一下，这些基因中的99.9%是我们共通的--而我相信这30亿个基因是某一位智能设计者的杰作。
And that immediately gives me common ground with anybody.
这个说法让我立刻找到了和任何人的共同点。
What it also gives me is the belief that each and every one of us have been given the right to life by that same intelligent designer.
它也同样让我相信...我们每个人都被同一个智能设计者赋予了生命权。
I dug deeper though. I found that my faith didn't teach me to start relationships by arguing with somebody
不过，我又深入思考了一下。我发现，我的信仰并没有教我在与他人开始相处时要不断地争论，
until they believed what I believed, or I convinced them.
直到他们相信我所相信的事情，或者直到我说服了他们。
No, it taught me to start relationships by loving them as a coequal member of the human race.
相反，它教我与人相处时，要作为平等的人类去爱他们。
Honestly though, some who share my faith draw a line and refuse to address somebody by their preferred gender pronoun.
不过老实说，一些和我有同样信仰的人会定下一条界线，并且拒绝采用对方偏好的性别代名词来称呼他们。
But isn't that believing the lie that in order for me to honor you, I have to give up what I believe?
但这不就等于是相信了“为了尊重你，我必须要放弃我的信仰”这个谎言吗？
Come back in time with me -- let's say it's 20 years ago, and Muhammad Ali comes to your doorstep. And you open the door.
接下来让我们回到过去，大概回到二十年前吧，穆罕默德·阿里来到你的家门口，你打开了门。
Would you address him as Muhammad Ali or his former name of Cassius Clay?
你会称呼他为穆罕默德·阿里，还是他的曾用名卡修斯·克莱？
I'm guessing that most of you would say Muhammad Ali.
我猜大多数人都会叫他穆罕默德·阿里。
And I'm also guessing that most of you wouldn't think we'd have to immediately convert to Islam, just by using his name.
我猜大多数人也不会认为只因叫了一声他的名字，我们就要立马信奉伊斯兰教了吧？
To honor him would cost me, would cost any of us absolutely nothing, and it would give us the common ground to have a relationship.
尊重他并不会让你我付出任何代价，反而能让我们找到共同点，来展开一段人际关系。
And it's the relationship that cures agonism, not giving up what we believe.
能够治愈争胜主义的正是我们的关系，而不是放弃我们的信仰
So for me to honor my faith, it means rejecting these rigid symptoms of agonism. Meaning, I can and I will love you.
。所以对我来说，尊重自己的信仰就意味着要摈弃这些争胜主义的死板症状。也就是说，我能爱你，我也会爱你。
I can and I will accept you,
我能接受你，我也会接受你，
and I don't have to buy into the lie that if I do these things, I have to give up what I believe or chose to fear and hate you.
我无需相信“一旦我做了这些事情，就必须放弃我的信仰”这样的谎言，也不会选择害怕或憎恨你。
Because I'm focusing on what we have in common.
因为我专注于我们的共同点。
When you can find even the smallest bit of common ground with somebody,
当你找到和他人的共同点时，哪怕只有一点点，
it allows you to understand just the beautiful wonder and complexity and majesty of the other person.
这个共同点都会让你领会到这个人的美好、复杂和威严。
Our second strategy gives us room to breathe. To pause. To calm down.
第二个策略给我们留出了呼吸的空间。让我们停下脚步，冷静下来。
To have the kind of relationships that cure agonism. And how to keep those relationships alive.
去建立能够治愈争胜主义的人际关系，并让这些关系保持鲜活。
Our second strategy is to exchange extravagant grace.
第二种策略是交换奢侈的恩典。
Once again, I'm not mincing words -- by grace, I don't mean we should all go sign up for ballet, that would be weird.
再强调一下，我并不是玩弄文字，我说的恩典并不是指去报名芭蕾舞班，那会显得很奇怪。
What I mean is not canceling everything over one mistake. Even if that mistake personally offended you. Maybe even deeply.
我的意思是，不要因为一次错误就否定一切，即使那个错误冒犯到了你个人，或许冒犯得很深。
Perhaps Holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom put it best when she said,
我认为二战大屠杀幸存者彭柯丽的形容最为贴切，她说：
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, only to realize that prisoner was me."
“宽恕就是释放囚徒，结果意识到那囚徒不是别人，正是自己。”
My faith teaches me that we humans will never be perfect, myself very much included.
我的信仰告诉我，人类永远不可能十全十美，当然，我自己也包括在内。
So we need the grace of a savior, who for me is Jesus.
所以，我们需要救世主的恩典，对于我来说，这个救世主就是耶稣。
And while I define grace in the context of my faith,
虽然我是根据我的信仰来定义恩典的，
I know there's a lot of other people who have defined it differently and in different ways.
但是我知道还有很多人对它有不同的理解和定义。
One of my favorites is radio broadcaster Oswald Hoffmann, who said, "Grace is the love that loves the unlovely and the unlovable."
我最喜欢的一个定义是电台主播奥斯瓦尔德·霍夫曼所说的：“恩典就是去爱那些并不可爱的、不受待见的人。”
And I just love that picture of grace.
我非常喜欢这个恩典的定义方式。
Because I know I am, and maybe a lot of you can think of a time when we're just pretty dadgum unlovable.
因为我知道我是如此，也许在座的各位也能想到曾经有某一个时刻，我们很不受人待见。
So it would be the height of hypocrisy, dare I say repulsive to my faith,
所以，伪善的极致，我敢说我的信仰最厌弃的，
for me to accept the unconditional, unqualified grace and love from God and then turn around and put one precondition on the love I give you.
就是接受上帝无条件的、毫无保留的恩典和爱，然后回过头来，为我给予你的爱加上一个前提条件。
What in the world would I be thinking?
我到底在想什么？
And by extravagant, I mean over the top, not just checking a box.
我所说的“奢侈”，指的是做到极致，而不是最低限度的敷衍。
We can all remember when we were kids and our parents forced us to apologize to somebody and we walked up to them and said, "I'm sorry."
我们都记得小时候，父母会强迫我们向别人道歉。这时我们会走到他们面前说：“对不起。”
We just got it over with, right? That's not what we're talking about.
完全是草草了事，对吧？但我们所说的并不是这种情况。
What we're talking about is not having to give someone grace but choosing to and wanting to. That's how we exchange extravagant grace.
我们所说的不是被迫给予某人恩典，而是选择给予、想要给予。这就是我们交换奢侈恩典的方式。
Listen, I know this can sound really, really theoretical.
我知道这听起来非常的理论化。
So I'd like to tell you about a hero of mine. A hero of grace. It's 2014. In Iran.
所以我想给你们介绍一位我心目中的英雄。恩典的英雄。那是2014年，事情发生在伊朗。
And the mother of a murdered son is in a public square.
在公共广场上，有一位谋杀受害者的母亲。
The man who murdered her son is also in that square, by a gallows,
而谋杀她儿子的那个人也在那个广场上，他在绞刑架边，
on a chair of some kind, a noose around his neck and a blindfold over his eyes.
站在一把椅子上，脖子上套着绞索，眼睛上蒙着眼罩。
Samereh Alinejad had been given the sole right under the laws of her country to either pardon this man or initiate his execution.
萨米雷·阿琳贾德被祖国的法律赋予了她独有的权利，可以赦免此人，也可以决定行刑。
Put another way, she could pardon him or literally push that chair out from underneath his feet.
换种说法就是，她可以原谅他，也可以把他脚下的椅子推出去。
I just... I can't picture the agony going through both Samereh and this man at the time.
我真的...无法想象那一刻萨米雷和这名男子所承受的痛苦。
Samereh with her choice to make, and this man, in the account that I read, was just weeping, just begging for forgiveness.
萨米雷必须要做出选择，而这名男子，根据我读到的描述，则是在哭泣，乞求宽恕。
And Samereh had a choice. And she chose in that moment to walk up to this man and to slap him right across the face.
而萨米雷有权做出选择。那一刻，她选择走向这名男子，扇了他一记响亮的耳光。
And that signaled her pardon. It gets better.
这意味着她选择了宽恕。这就变得更棒了。
Right afterwards, somebody asked her, they interviewed her, and she was quoted as saying,
紧接着有人问她，她接受采访时说：
"I felt as if rage vanished from within my heart and the blood in my veins began to flow again."
“我感觉我心中的愤怒消失了，我血管里的血液也再次开始流动了。”
Isn't that incredible? I mean, what a picture of grace, what a hero of grace.
简直不可思议，不是吗？真是一个恩典的典范，一位给予恩典的英雄。
And there's a lesson in there for all of us.
这给我们所有人都上了一课。
That as theologian John Piper said, "Grace is power, not just pardon."
这正如神学家约翰·派珀所说的：“恩典不只是宽恕，而是一股力量。”
And if you think about it, grace is the gift we give someone else in a relationship
仔细想来，恩典是我们在一段关系中赠予别人的礼物，
that says our relationship is way more important than the things that separate us.
它告诉我们，我们的关系远比那些割裂我们的东西更为重要。
And if you really think about it some more, we all have the power to execute in our relationships, or to pardon.
如果你再细想一下，在我们的关系中，其实我们每个人都有处决或者宽恕的权利。
We never did find out the identity of our anonymous neighbor.
我们始终都没发现我们匿名邻居的身份。
But if we did, I'd hope we'd simply say, "Can we have coffee?"
但如果我们知道，我希望我们可以简单问一句，“能一起喝杯咖啡吗？”
And maybe there's somebody you need to have coffee with and find your common ground with them.
或许有这么一个人，你需要和他一起喝杯咖啡来找到你们之间的共同点。
Or maybe there's somebody you're in a relationship with and you need to exchange extravagant grace. Maybe go first.
又或许你需要与某个正在交往的人交换那奢侈的恩典。也许你要选择主动。
These two strategies have taught me how to exchange extravagant grace in my relationships and to enjoy the beautiful design of my neighbors.
这两个策略教会了我如何在人际关系中交换奢侈的恩典，以及如何欣赏我邻居们的美好。
I want to continue to choose relationships over agonism. Will you choose to join me? Thank you.
我会继续选择与人共处，而非坚持与人相争。你愿意加入我吗？谢谢。
