Hi，everyone and welcome back to America under the microscope. Welcome back to the studio，James.

Thanks for having me today. Hi，everyone.

So today we are going to talk about something that is eternal and something that is what people talk about in day to day life.

Hmm. Quite light-hearted. We're gonna talk about love and dating in the United States.

Okay. So especially we are going to compare how relationships work out in the states and then in China. Let's start with where do people mostly meet their partners.

I imagine it's somewhat similar to here in China. A lot of Americans will meet their partners at school and at work. Another place that's really common is through religious groups they belong to. So if they go to a church，they might meet other people from the church and so on.

So it's not all crazy as you see in TV and films and go to new fancy parties and meet someone across the room.

Well，in general, if you compare life to TV, life is far more boring.

Most people just school, work or religious group. So let's start with dating. When do the majority of Americans start to date？

Well, it's not uncommon for Americans to start going on dates in high school.

Your high school is different.

Our high school is four years, so it's ages between 14 to 18.

14 to 18. So starting from 14. In China we have this idea, not any more right now，not so much. But when I was growing up, this whole idea of 早恋. Literally translated into premature dating, meaning you're too young to date and your parents wouldn't want you to start dating just as yet. Do you have anything like that?

No，not really ,because our parents wouldn't have any room to stand because they did the same thing when they were kids.

True.

So dating in high school usually has parental approval.

What do they do when they go on a date？I mean they have schools mostly so do they just go to movies?

Yeah. Kind of, that's basic stuff, they go watch movies together，go to restaurants，go to a coffee shop or just hang out in each other's homes.

Play games for example.

Play games and stuff, talk. And most relationships to be honest in high school tend to be quite short.

Same everywhere really!!

High school students they like one thing one week and then the next thing they like something else so. . .

Yeah. But you said they go to movies or they go for meals，coffee，all of these cost money. But high school kids mostly don't have a job, right？

That's not necessarily true. We can have part time jobs when we're in high school.

Okay. So most people would earn their own dating money?

A fair number. I had a part time job. I delivered newspapers when I was in high school. I made money that way.

But let's say if you don't have a part time job, and you want to take a girl out for a date. And then if you ask your dad and saying: Dad, I need to take this girl out on a date. Can I have so-and-so such amount of money to buy movie tickets and so?

My dad would say no to me. He’ll say: “Oh, that's nice. You have a date. How are you paying for it?” Some parents would give money to their kids, some won't. That's more of an individual thing.

But aren't American parents worried about kids? They don't really know what they're doing. For example，they will probably end up getting into trouble or it's gonna affect their school work.

Oh yeah. Of course they worry about that stuff. But they also have the mentality that if they say no, their kids are going to do it anyway. But they're going to do it in secret and more likely do more dangerous things. Whereas if they allow it to be more open，then the kids would also be more open about what they are doing.

That's actually not a bad strategy. Now graduating from high school，going into college and that I assume everyone dates.

Yeah, that's like almost 80% of students are dating in college because they're now in a situation they're living at the university. Parents are far away. A whole bunch of other young people around them. So casual dating is very common. But it's also a time where people start forming more long term serious relationships. Because a bigger pool of students，you're more likely to find people that share your interests with you at university.

I think there's a lot of misinformation. If you have never been to the United States or you watch teen drama or all of these TV shows or American movies, because they always portray these really sort of wild overly sexualized young people's life and dating scene. How far is it from the truth？

Emmm. . . pretty far. Yes, students date. They do things together. Yes. Is it as wild and promiscuous as they shown in the movies？No. Because these students are there to learn and contrary to what you see in a lot of TV and movie shows. Students do take their school work seriously.

And there's a lot of school work as well.

Yes, a ton.

And this is also what you said. They are forming starting to form more long term serious relationships. I guess it's the same as in China. I mean it's not that common for people to just meet someone in college and then just basically get married right，fresh out of college.

Right! People don't go to college to find a marriage partner. You just end up finding a person that is very suitable for you. But even that is the case, it is highly unlikely that they will get married right after graduation. Usually they will just date for a while. Cuz when you graduate, they kind of career focused first. They want to get a job and get stable. And weddings are expensive.

True. And then moving on to perhaps more serious dating as in you probably want to settle down, you want to meet someone that you can potentially spend your life with. Do people go on，for example，set up blind dates a lot?

It happens. I don't know anyone personally that's done this. But it does happen. People do introduce friends to other friends. That happens, but I don't think it's that common.

Of course. You introduce your friends if you think they are good for each other，but what I'm saying it's perhaps more. . . in China，sometimes when women get older，I mean like probably older women that they get interested in matchmaking. They want to. . . my mom has done that. Basically they see young people and they just feel like “they might be perfect together”. They want to introduce them. Do you have people like that almost like someone who just turned matchmaker？

Not really. In general, most Americans don't get involved when other people's dating because that's a whole bag of complication that most people don't want.

Don’t want the responsibility as well. But what about you mentioned settling down？You mentioned career. In China, it's a kind of like an unspoken rule. People want to buy a house，buy a flat before they actually get married. Because a lot of people they don't really like the idea of having to live in a rental property as a newlywed. Is there a similar thing in the United States?

Not even a little bit. Most Americans are perfectly happy living in rental property and they'll live in rental property for years and years even after they're married. Because Americans are much more mobile, meaning that they will change jobs and move to other cities more easily and if you own, this is hard.

So they don't want to be tied down. And it's perfectly okay, it's perfectly acceptable that people don't feel like my life is so hard. I’m married but I still have to live in a rental property.

No，they don't think like that at all and plus in America, we don't have the same like if you're planning on having kids going to school. We don't have to worry about owning property in the school district for kids to go to school in the location.

Oh yes. We mentioned this before even if you rent in that area. . .

Your kids can still go to school there. So there is no push and in some cases is more financially responsible to rent than buy.

I see! And another thing in Chinese dating scene is still the idea of门当户对. This has been in Chinese culture for ages，the whole so called门当户对 is probably people would encourage you to find a partner that is more from the similar socioeconomic background, that’s you have?

I understand. So in general，in America people do end up marrying people from similar background. But this isn't because it's like encouraged, it just happens naturally.

Because they have more things in common, I guess.

Right! But people do marry from very different backgrounds. And most Americans have absolutely no problem with that.

What about age difference？

Again，most people don't have any issue with it . And if they do，they won't say it to your face or keep it to themselves.

Okay. And dating in companies at work place. Do most companies have issues with that？

Yes. In fact，we have an idiom in English that describes as it says don't stick your pen in company ink.

Okay，it's probably not a specific rule in many companies，but it's. . .

Actually no. It is a specific role in many companies that if you were dating a coworker，you need to disclose it to human resources. In some cases，you'll be transferred to different departments. So you don't work together. This is to avoid nepotism and possible problems in the future.

I see. So if you're dating someone from your job, then you need to report to human resources for many companies.

Yeah. And some companies have a specific role that says you are not allowed to date your coworkers.

I see. So let's move on to talking about how relationships evolve. So you meet someone，you start dating. First of all，it's casual. . . more serious. . . and then in English you say to move in together. So start living together, is that very，very common?

Extremely common. Most Americans are living together before they get married.

And probably most people wouldn't really consider getting married to someone they've never lived with.

Yeah. That's really extraordinarily rare. Most people will have lived together，possibly for years before they get married. So for couples like that getting married，it's kind of just a formality at that point.

And that nobody's gonna judge that，right？

For the most part, no，it's just the way it is. So Americans cohabiting, is kind of the rule.

And moving in together that is considered a major milestone.

Yeah，for a long term serious relationship，it's a big milestone.

And the next one is meeting the parents.

Yeah，now usually we would actually meet parents before we move in together.

Okay!

But meeting family for the first time is a big deal. Now this might be a holiday. As the time you do it like thanksgiving is a big one .

To bring home the official girlfriend or boyfriend.

Right! And it's a sign of a serious relationship because you're confident enough to bring into your family.

Yeah. That's the same here and I imagine people are also nervous. So how do parents respond to this？

That depends from parents to parents，family to families. Some families are like super friendly，open and warm. Some like mine，they're going to poke fun at you.

Okay.

And it's kind of a thing in my family is they'll know you're suitable for someone in my families, if you can take the punishment to the jokes and keep up with them.

I guess every family is very different. But meeting the family, does that mean this is prelude to marriage?

Most likely.

So don't introduce it to your family，especially parents unless you're really that serious.

We wouldn't introduce the casual partner to our parents but serious partners. Yes.

And I know this is a perhaps a quite sensitive topic. I'm not to you but to a lot of Chinese listeners. You've been in china all these years. I don't know if you've heard of the idea of彩礼. Basically it's like gift or gift money given by the guy's family to the girl's family.

So kind of like opposite dowry.

Yes.

So that's a completely unheard of thing in the United States. It's something we would never do. And I've known of cases that this has led to intercultural issues between intercultural partners，which like the one side of the family is like you need to give money as a gift for the marriage and the other side from a different culture is like but we don't do that in my culture.

That leads to I have heard that it can even lead to breakups.

It can lead to breakups because they can't bridge that gap.

Actually each side has rationales behind it. To be honest, this whole 彩礼 it is cultural but it stems from the fact that in Chinese traditional culture sometimes after getting married, the girl would actually leave her home to live with his family and that sort of thing. But in America this is unheard of, most people don't live with either side of parents.

Newlyweds want to live alone.

And perhaps parents don't even want to live with you.

Yeah, usually it's like, you're married, get out of the house. Bye! We have hobbies now.

We'll turn your room into a gym now.

Gym，TV room，hobby shop. It's like bye!

I see, but do you still have to get like not parent’s permission but is it customary for Americans to especially guys at least meet the girl's parents to say that I would like to marry your daughter .

Yeah, that's still fairly customary. It's not just the guy's, both sides will do this. But it's not all over，but in general you do need to talk to the other person's parents, bought intentions and things like that. While the parents don't really have a say in the end.

But I'm gonna inform you anyways.

And honestly if you're gonna get married to someone, you do want to be in good relations with your in-laws.

True. But I guess meeting the in-laws in any culture can be a really nerve-wracking.

I mean in cultural worries not nerve-wracking unlikely. I'd like to meet it.

All right. I think that covers the basics of the dating and the dating process. In the advanced episode, let's talk about how relationships or the whole idea of marriage have changed in the past few years，past couple of decades in United States.

Okay, sounds good.

All right. Thank you for coming to the show. I'll see you next time.

Bye everyone.

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