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And then about a week after that, I wrote this: "Fighter.
大约一周之后，我写道：“斗士。
I tried it on to see how it felt because I kept hearing those words next to my name, like a job, like an identity, like a role.
我试图成为一名斗士看看感觉怎样，因为我总会听到这些词出现在我名字旁边，像是一个工作，像是一个身份，像是一个角色。
Fighter. I look at myself in the mirror.
斗士。我看着镜子里的自己。
It felt OK at first, but soon it became exhausting, too heavy to lift, too much to carry, too burdensome to bear.
起初，这感觉还可以，但不久后这就变得太令人疲惫、太沉重、太令人压抑。
I took it off and left it on the floor.
我把它抛在了身后。
War was not for me. A body is not a battlefield. "
一场并非我所期望的战争。一个不想沦为战场的身体。”
I realized that I had been introduced to the fight narrative.
我意识到我经常 被灌输“斗争”的思维。
When people heard my diagnosis, I became a fighter.
当人们听到我的诊断时，我便成为了一个斗士。
"You're a fighter," "Keep fighting," "Beat this tumor," were the top comments.
最多的评论包括 “你是一个斗士”，“继续抗争吧”，“战胜肿瘤”。
And then there was the internet, the place I so desperately searched for people who were doing well with their diagnosis.
在网上，我迫切地寻找着确诊后依然活得很好的人。
But the top hashtags to search for were #braintumorssuck, cancersucks and cancerfighter.
但是搜索度最高的话题分别是braintumorssuck (脑瘤烂透了)，cancersucks (癌症烂透了)和 cancerfighter (抗癌斗士)。
I understand completely why those hashtags exist, but I was so eager to find the hashtag hiIhaveabraintumorthatmightnevergoaway andImstilllivingandthriving and I guess there just isn't a ring to that one.
我完全理解为什么这些话题会存在，但我迫切地想找到一个类似“#嗨我有一个可能永远不会消失的脑瘤，但我仍然我活着并且茁壮地成长着”的话题，但貌似大家并不怎么关注这个话题。
I hated the idea that I was going to be at war with my brain because I had spent months and years kissing it instead.
我很讨厌 “与自己的大脑抗争” 的说法，因为我花了数月、 数年的时间亲吻它。
I hated the suggestion of naming my tumor something awful because the reality is that it was going to be my neighbor for the rest of my life,
我很讨厌他人试图给我的肿瘤一个罪大恶极的命名，因为事实是它将会在我的余生一直做我的邻居。
and I hated the guided imagery training that asked me to picture chemo as an army coming to battle the cancer cells because I didn't want to spend over a year of my life at war with my own body.
我不喜欢引导性意象训练，它要求我把化疗想象成一支来与癌细胞作战的军队，而我不想把生命中一年多的时间花在与自己的身体抗争上。
I can see how these elements of the fight narrative can be empowering for people, but for me, I knew it wasn't going to work.
我明白这种有关“抗争故事”的元素或许能够激励人们，但我知道对我来讲，这是不会管用的。
So I started to reference well-being practices that I had learned from my own studies.
于是，我开始参考我从自己的研究中所学到的有益身心健康的实践方法。
Doctors always laugh with me when they find out that I'm a bio-psych and neuroscience major and psych PhD student.
当发现我的专业是生物心理学和神经科学，并且还是一名心理学博士生时，医生们总是会和我一起大笑。
Then when they ask what I'm studying and I tell them I study resilience and well-being, they either laugh again, say something like, "Oh, that's irrelevant," or go, "Aw. "
然后当他们问我我在研究什么，而我回答我研究心理韧性和幸福感时，他们要么再次开始笑起来，要么说一些类似“哦，这好像不太相关”的话，或者说：“哎。”
The irony was never lost on me.
我从来没有忘记过这种讽刺。
I have read so many stories and studies of resilience, but I never pictured the day that I would have to personally experience it.
我读过很多关于心理韧性的故事和研究，但我从未设想过有一天我必须亲身感受它。
I read and taught about gratitude practices, specifically as a well-being strategy, and even though
我阅读并教授了有关感恩的实践法，特别是作为一种提升幸福感的途径。
I knew the positive effects, I had never seriously practiced them myself.
尽管我知道感恩法的积极效果，我从未在严格意义上践行过它。
I started to incorporate some of these exercises into my life.
我开始将这些实践方法中的一部分融入我的生活。
I tried to stop focusing on what my body had done "wrong" and focus on the gratitude I had for my body instead.
我试图不再仅仅关注我的身体做了什么 “错事”，而是开始专注于感恩自己的身体。
And really, I realized this is something I had been doing when I was kissing my brain those days leading up to and after surgery.
我意识到这实际上是我在术前和术后的日子里，亲吻我的脑袋时，一直在做的事情。
Gratitude became the tool that helped me restructure my vision of illness and disability when the world was telling me I should fight it instead.
当全世界都在告诉我，我应该与疾病和残疾斗争时，感恩的心成为了帮助我重新调整自己对它们的看法的工具。
Instead of thinking about if I would be able to have kids one day,
我没有思考将来我是否能生孩子。
I thought of how amazing it was that my brain, despite its trauma, was able to deliver the perfect amount of hormones to my body to produce enough eggs to save for a later date.
我想到的是我的大脑尽管受到了损伤，但却仍能神奇地向我的身体输送适量的荷尔蒙，让我得以产生足够的卵子，以备日后之需。
Every time I went to radiation and was put in my mask, I kissed my brain and I focused on the resident telling me how the healthy cells would be able to repair over time and the cancer cells could not.
每次我去做放射治疗，被戴上面罩时，我都会亲吻我的脑袋，并专注地听住院医生告诉我“健康的细胞将能随着时间的推移自我修复，而癌细胞则不能”。
