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One of the constantly surprising aspects of relationships is just how much reassurance we need to believe that we are actively wanted
在双方关系中最让人惊讶的方面之一是我们需要反复确定自己是被需要的
– and, equally, how easy it is to forget this awkward fact both about ourselves and the other person.
同样的，人们很容易忘记这尴尬的事实-- 不管是自己还是对方。
The standard narrative of love tells us that insecurity about being wanted is going to be at its height at the start of the dating period,
标准式爱情故事告诉我们，在正式恋爱初期，关于是否被需要的不安全感是最强的，
when we are acutely – and rather sweetly – conscious of the many ways in which our partner might not be keen on taking things further.
可能当我们的伴侣不愿意在许多方面更进一步时，我们就能相当快速且敏锐地意识到。
But, we assume, once a relationship has started,
我们可以设想，当一段关系开始，
once there might be children, a home and an established pattern of life, then surely the fear of being unwanted should disappear.
当有了孩子，有了家，建立起生活模式后，那么对不被需要的恐惧就应该消失了。
But far from it. The fear of being unwanted continues every day.
但现实不是这样。不被需要的恐惧会伴随每一天。
There could always be new threats to love’s integrity.
这些恐惧于美满的爱情来说永远都是新的威胁。
Just because we were loved yesterday does not ensure a sense that we will be needed today.
因为我们在昨天被需要并不能确保今天我们仍被需要。
More perniciously, if a fear is left to fester.
但如果任由恐惧恶化，后果会更严重。
It can lead us to adopt a defensive position where, because we assume we are unwanted.
当我们感觉到自己不被需要时，这种感觉会引导我们采取防御机制。
We start to behave in a cold and detached way, which encourages the partner to act likewise.
我们开始表现得冷漠与独立，而这也会让我们的伴侣出现同样的行为。
Two people who are, at heart, very well disposed towards one another can end up in a cycle of each denying that they need the other, because they cautiously and pre-emptively assume that the other person no longer wants them.
两个彼此之间感情很好的人，会因为他们谨慎而先入为主地认为对方不再需要自己，而最终陷入了彼此否认需要对方的恶性循环中。
In order to try to calm these fears and cycles of unwarranted detachment, we should be sure to institute an apparently small but in fact crucial ritual into our lives: a morning and evening kiss.
为了平息这些恐惧 终止这种被疏离的恶性循环，我们一定要在生活中建立起一个看起来很小，但实际上很重要的仪式，即离别吻和归来吻。
Every morning, before parting, no matter how much in a rush we both are, we should give one another a proper kiss on the lips, for at least seven seconds which is – in reality – a very strangely long time.
早上离家的时候不管彼此有多匆忙，都应该给彼此一个专属的吻，最少持续七秒，事实上 这个时间挺长的。
Lean in close together, don’t think about the many things you have to do in the hours ahead.
亲密的相偎，不要去想接下来几个小时里要处理的众多事务。
Simply concentrate on the sensation of their mouth on yours, feel your nose against their skin.
仅仅专注于感受此刻彼此的嘴唇相接，感受你的鼻子触摸他的皮肤，最后分开的时候也不要太匆忙。
Don’t break off abruptly at the end: keep looking at each other for another few moments and give a smile.
深情地对望片刻，再给对方一个甜甜的微笑。
The same should be repeated every evening at the point of return.
晚上回家的时候也要这样做。
When we kiss we are tapping into a central channel of emotional connection.
当接吻时我们就进入了连接彼此情感的中心通道。
Intimate physical contact affects us in a way that’s both distinct from, and in many ways superior to, words or ideas.
亲密的身体接触在某种程度上影响着我们，这跟言语不同，且在许多方面胜过言语。
We are sensuous creatures to at least the same degree as we are rational ones:
我们都是感性的生物，感性程度至少和我们的理性程度是一样的：
a smile or a caress can therefore reassure us far more deeply than can an eloquent phrase or a well-articulated fact (‘of course I love you…’).
相比于那些动人的话语或清晰的事实（比如“我当然爱你……”），一个微笑或是爱抚更能安慰我们。
As babies we were soothed by touch long before we could understand language, and we therefore continue to need physical contact to believe, truly to believe, that we have a place in another’s life.
当我们还处于听不懂话的婴儿时期时，温柔的触摸会让我们感到安心，之后我们也一直需要身体接触来让自己确信，我们在他人的生命中占有一席之地。
Normally a kiss follows from a tender feeling: we have an emotion first and then we express it.
通常一个吻是伴随一种温柔的情感而来的，我们是先有感觉然后才会通过行动表达出来。
But there’s another way our minds can work, a way in which a feeling follows from an action.
但是我们的思想还能以另一种方式运作，即让感觉伴随行为而来。
The morning and evening kiss should hence come first, independently of whether or not there is as yet a tender emotion.
不管此时是不是有这种温柔的情感，离别吻和归来吻都是非常有必要的。
But then, almost for certain, if we go through with the kiss, the emotion will occur (it’s very hard to kiss and feel nothing).
但可以肯定的是 当我们吻完了，这种情感一定就出现了，因为人在接吻时很难做到毫无情感。
We may need to make that rather odd-sounding move in love: a small effort.
我们可能需要在爱情里做出一些听起来很奇怪的举动：一点小小的努力。
The morning and evening kiss should be a ritual.
离别吻和归来吻应该成为生活中的仪式。
A central feature of rituals is that we do them whether we feel like doing them or not.
仪式的一个显著特征就是无论愿意与否我们都会去做。
The kiss should take place even if you’ve just had a rather sarcastic argument or if you are racing to an important early meeting – or if you are feeling resentful.
就算你们刚刚激烈地争吵过，或是你正赶着去参加一个很重要的早会，又哪怕你正在气头上，也不能忘记亲吻。
Better feelings will follow from it.
因为它会带给你美好的感受。
When leaving the house and heading to the station, we should no longer only ask whether we have remembered the keys or the report.
当离开家去车站的时候，我们不能只想着自己是否忘带钥匙或是报告之类的。
We should always ask ourselves if we have done a far more crucial and love-sustaining thing: exchanged a seven second kiss.
还应该问问自己，是否做了那件更重要的维系爱情的事--给彼此一个七秒的吻。
