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It is a mark of character to be thought of as someone that others can safely confide in; there is a high degree of empathy, generosity and open-mindedness implied in being the person that friends instinctively turn to when everything has gone dark.
有一种人性格的标志是可以被其他人安心地倾诉；当一切都变得黑暗时，朋友们本能地会求助于这个人，这意味着他具有高度的同理心、为人慷慨、心态开放。
But we may come to realise that, despite our best intentions, often others do not quite see us in this way.
但我们可能会意识到，尽管我们的初衷是好的，但往往别人并不是这样看待我们的。
If we ask them directly what the matter is, they try to look cheerful and insist that everything is fine.
如果我们直接问他们出了什么事，他们会尽量看起来很高兴，并坚称一切都很好。
We know it can’t be but nor do they seem inclined to open up to us.
我们知道这是不可能的，但他们似乎也不愿意向我们敞开心扉。
We end up lonely and a little helpless.
我们到头来感到孤独和无助。
There are plenty of good reasons why people tend to show extreme care before opening up.
人们在敞开心扉之前往往会表现出极端的谨慎，这是有充分理由的。
A confidant may turn out to be patronising, alarmist, sentimental, panic-inducing or moralistic.
一位可以倾诉的人可能会居高临下、危言耸听、多愁善感、引发恐慌、喜欢说教。
The dangers of humiliation can be acute.
被羞辱的风险很高。
To dare to confide, we need a strong feeling that our companion is going to be unreservedly understanding, gentle and kindly.
我们要敢于倾诉，我们需要有一种强烈的感觉，那就是我们的伴侣会毫无保留地理解我们、温柔、善良地对待我们。
But even if we feel ready to be all these things, how do we signal our capacities properly to others people?
但是，即使我们觉得自己已经做好了所有这些事情的准备，我们如何向其他人恰当地发出我们的信号呢？
The almost touchingly obvious method is via direct assertion.
最明显的方法是直接给予主张。
We might say: don’t worry, I won’t judge or simply: you can tell me, I’m very understanding.
我们可能会说：别担心，我不会评判或简单地说：你可以告诉我，我很理解你。
Kind though such statements may be, they can’t generally help because they don’t touch the core fear that – whatever we may say – we may still turn out to be disturbed by, or hostile to, the details of actual revelations.
尽管这样的说法可能是善意的，但这些话语通常不会有帮助，因为它们没有触及核心恐惧--无论我们说什么--我们最终可能会被实际揭露的细节扰乱，或对此怀有敌意。
The more skilled approach requires a greater degree of courage on our part.
更有技巧的方法需要我们有更大的勇气。
It involves regularly admitting to something difficult and troubling and rather shameful about ourselves.
这一方法包括经常承认我们自己的一些困难、麻烦和相当可耻的事情。
It’s by letting others know something of our own vulnerabilities that we free them up to share some of the things they are terrified of admitting in their lives.
正是通过让别人知道一些我们自己的弱点，我们才能解放他们，让他们分享一些他们害怕承认的事情。
Our revelation proves far better than a headline statement that we are reliable because we know from the inside what it’s like to carry a dreadful secret and to feel frightened of another person’s reaction to it.
事实证明，我们的自我揭露远比标题声明我们多么可靠要好得多，因为我们内心知道携带可怕的秘密是什么感觉，而且会对另一个人的反应感到恐惧。
We’re demonstrating a crucial idea: that we won’t turn on them because we’ve trusted them not to turn on us.
我们正在展示一个至关重要的想法：我们不会背叛他们，因为我们相信他们不会背叛我们。
The process of building up trust often functions in an incremental way: we reveal a small and not too awful fact about us, and the other then starts to share a little of what’s going on for them.
建立信任的过程通常是以一种渐进的方式进行的：我们透露一个关于我们的微小而不是太可怕的事实，然后另一个人开始分享他们正在发生的事情。
From there, we take a bolder step of admitting to something more significantly awkward: something we know could be seen as really not very acceptable.
从那时起，我们迈出了更大胆的一步，承认了一些更令人尴尬的事情：我们知道的事情可能会被视为不太能接受的东西。
We’re inviting the other to follow us in turn and to feel secure in opening their hearts yet wider.
我们邀请其他人跟随我们，在敞开心扉时感到安心。
The underlying idea is that in order to demonstrate our position as an empathetic receiver of confidences, we have to show our broken and flawed sides:
这个基本思想是，为了展示我们富有同情心、可以作为倾诉的对象，我们必须展示我们破碎和有缺陷的一面:
we’ve failed, so another can tell us of their failure; we’ve been hurt so, they can admit to being hurt;
我们失败了，别人就可以告诉我们他们的失败经历; 我们受到伤害，他们才会承认受到伤害的经历;
we’ve done, and admitted we’ve done, very stupid things so we’re not going to turn against those who have also been at points very silly.
我们经历过，承认我们经历过，是非常愚蠢的事情，所以我们不会与那些某个时刻也同样愚蠢的人作对。
To be a good companion, it isn’t enough simply to be polite or to commiserate.
要想成为一个好伙伴，光是保持礼貌或富有同情心是不够的。
We need to take a risk.
我们需要冒险一试。
We need to give our friends something they could use against us – so that they can feel safe in giving us something we might use against them.
我们需要给我们的朋友一些他们可以用来对付我们的东西--这样他们就可以放心地给我们一些我们可能用来对付他们的东西。
Under the umbrella of mutually assured destruction, real trust and friendship can then flourish.
在确保相互毁灭的保护伞下，真正的信任和友谊才能蓬勃发展。
If you liked this film, download our app, where you can watch all our videos, read articles from the book of life and chat with other students of The School of Life.
如果你喜欢这个视频，下载我们的应用程序，你可以在这个小程序里观看我们所有的视频，阅读生命之书中的文章，并与生命学院的其他学员聊天。
