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Last week Great Britain held parliamentary elections,
大不列颠上周举行了议会选举
it turns out this lady, this lady she doesn't run the place.
结果显示这位夫人 这位夫人根本不是统治者
She's just watching their dogs.
她只关注别人的狗
She's corgi sitting for Britain. That's all she's doing.
她就像大不列颠的一只坐着的柯基 啥也不管
Well, I'm sure her pay is commensurate with her tasks.
我相信她的报酬跟她的付出是相称的
Anyway on Thursday British voters chose their next prime minister,
不管怎样 周四英国选民选出了他们的下一任首相
conservative and current prime minister David Cameron an Oxford educated 48-year-old,
来自保守党的现任首相大卫·卡梅伦 他毕业于剑桥大学 今年48岁
thumped labor's Ed Miliband, an Oxford educated 45-year-old,
他击败了工党的埃德·米利班德 后者同样毕业于牛津大学 现年45岁
because he can't make up those three years.
输在了年龄上啊
This being a national election the UK media was pulling out all the stops,
英国媒体把大选消息贴遍了公交站牌
they had their creepy madame Tussaud vote tally holograms,
他们用了令人毛骨悚然的蜡像全息图还有虚拟议会
they had an unrealistically polite virtual parliament that doubled as the worst Sim's expansion pack ever
不现实的是双方在辩论中表现的彬彬有礼
and they had an opinion room where each pundit appeared to have missed their flight
他们还有意见室 每个专家都表现的好像错过飞机一样
while one guy bides his time with Sudoku,
还有一个人玩数独来打发时间
he is just bored out of his mind.
他是真的很无聊了
I just realized, the holograms, the virtual sets,
我才意识到 这些虚拟影像 虚拟席位
the British media has contracted a devastating case of cnnitis.
显示的是CNN给英国媒体做了一个多坏的表率
It's when a news organization spends a great deal of time creating visuals and set pieces which serve
一家新闻机构这样挖空心思的做了这些虚拟影像和座位
serve no discernible purpose and shed no perceptible light
却没有目的 没有重点
and actually distract you from what it was they were trying to find out.
它只能把人们的注意力从他们想关注的那些东西上面分散开去
But you know something, no one can actually challenge the master.
但你们知道 谁也没有主持人更吸引眼球
Good morning
早上好
from the top of a big red bus that is now making its way across Westminster Bridge, Alisyn.
我在正穿过威斯敏斯特大桥的一辆红色大巴顶上向你们问好 艾莉森
So Richard, what does this mean now for that referendum for Britain leaving the EU?
理查德 英国脱欧的投票意味着什么
Alisyn, I can do better than that.
艾莉森 我还可以看到更多
Have a look at that, as a million dollar shot,
看那边 那是耗费了一百万美元的
look at that, right up the River Thames, the London Eye.
凌驾于泰晤士河上的伦敦眼
Camerota asked you a real question, you pointed to a...Ferris wheel.
记者问了你一个现实的问题 你却指向了一个操蛋的摩天轮
That is what a six-year-old does.
这就是有6年经验的记者
I see a wheel, it is nice, it spins around.
我看到了一个轮子 它很漂亮 还在转
Well, Britain's media couldn't match us with wide eyed nonsense
英国媒体在睁眼说瞎话这方面跟我们不能比
they did compare with us in one arena.
但在另一个舞台却跟我们平分秋色
The polls were completely wrong.
民意调查就是一个彻头彻尾的错误
All the advanced polls were very wrong.
所有先进的调查都错了
The real shot came at 10 p.m. London time when the exit poll was announced.
真相在伦敦时间晚上十点才会出现 也就是大选结果宣布的时候
Isn't that why we have elections?
这就是我们有大选的原因吗
To test the strength and competence of our polls?
测试民意的力量
The real winner tonight was our polling safeguard system.
今夜真正的赢家是民意保障系统
The election.
大选
So despite all predictions, Cameron's conservative swept to an outright majority.
出乎各种预测的意料 卡梅伦所在的保守党获得了大多数席位
Their message must have really clicked with voters.
那么他们的政策一定打动了选民
The conservatives can actually govern the way they want to.
保守党可以用他们喜欢的方式统治政府
Get rid of the deficit.
去除弊病
Austerity measures really hitting those lower on the economic scale.
紧缩政策大大打击了社会底层人民
Very large cuts to the welfare state.
大幅削减福利开支
Repeal Tony Blair's ban on hunting with dogs.
废除了托尼·布莱尔禁止带狗打猎的禁令
What a popular message,
多么受欢迎的政策啊
a heady mix of grinding austerity and the killing of small fury animals.
任性的实行紧缩政策 杀害那些小小的带毛生物
I almost hate to say this but leave fox alone.
我真的不想这么说 但是 放过狐狸吧
Fox never hurt anybody.
狐狸没有伤害任何人
Anyway those policies sound like stuff British people would hate.
不管怎么说 这些政策听起来不像是英国人会喜欢的
How does labour not walk away with this election?
那么工党为什么还是没有赢得大选呢
Ed Miliband had pretty dismal ratings when it came to leadership.
说到领导能力 埃德·米利班德获得的选票堪称凄惨
The voters didn't really see him as prime ministerial.
选民根本没把他当成首相候选人来看
40% thought you were weird.
百分之四十的人觉得你古古怪怪的
They see you as—what did he say? what did he say?
他们觉得你是——他说什么 说了什么
People I think thought—
我觉得——
that lady in the back, is that a man,
后面那位女士 额 男士
oh right, sorry about that, and you've got a beard so you're clearly a man, yeah.
抱歉 你有胡子 那你肯定是位男士了
What! So the labour leader appears to be the love child of Joe Biden and David Brent—so what?
啥 工党领袖长得像乔·拜登和大卫·布伦特的私生子——那又怎样
Still, the election was Miliband's to lose.
大选结果依然是米利班德输
I mean unless there was someone unfortunate image crystallizing incident.
除非再发生一次像水晶之夜那样的不幸事件
And in that labour campaign symbolized by Miliband breaking one of the basic rules of politics,
米利班的领导的工党打破了一个基本的政治规则
don't eat a bacon sandwich in front of the cameras.
不要在有摄像机的地方吃培根三明治
The Tory supporting press jumped on the image,
保守党支持的媒体上放出了这张照片 写道
Miliband was not just a free-spending labourite,
米利班德不仅是一个挥霍无度的工党人
he just didn't look like a prime minister.
而且他看起来根本不像一个首相
That's it?
就这
He ate a bacon sandwich.
他吃了一个培根三明治
In our country you are not even considered a viable presidential candidate
在我们美国 你都不是一位合格的总统候选人
until you have been photographed deep throating as much of a pig as will not completely block your larynx.
如果你没被拍到给一头猪深喉（吃香肠）到快要戳破喉咙
If the British press went all in on Ed's lunch,
如果英国媒体继续关注埃德的午饭
I can't even imagine what their version of the daily show must have done.
我简直无法想象英国版本的每日秀会是个什么样子
Hey! Hey, look at this guy.
嘿 嘿 看这家伙
Look at this..., Ed Miliband.
看 埃德 米利班德
What are you doing shoving a bacon butty in your gob with your hands
你用手把培根三明治塞进嘴里是在干吗
like some kind of utensil-less guttersnipe, you ever heard of silverware?
你是个没有餐具的乞丐吗 你没有银餐具吗
You never read your Debrett's guide to etiquette with modern...manners?
没有人教过你礼仪吗
What's this, my friend?
这是在干吗
This is bollocks, you bellow stairs toss pot,
这是蛋蛋吗
if you are feeling peckish, you pop that sandwich on a...plate,
饿的话 也要把三明治放在盘子上
you get a knife and fork you uppity piece of...!
记得用刀叉
That was weird.
好奇怪哦
Wow, their daily show host is almost the opposite of ours
哇 他们的每日秀主持人跟我们完全相反哎
where I would normally be upset with someone eating with a knife and fork
我不喜欢看到别人用刀叉吃东西
and yet their daily show host, an yet we both talk with the same accent.
但它们的主持人喜欢 但我们的口音都一样
The election has left the UK more starkly divided than ever.
这次大选让英国分成彻底的两派
The left-leaning Scottish nationalists swept the north, conservatives dominate the south,
左倾苏格兰民族主义党占领了北方 保守党占据南方
and they agree on almost nothing, well almost nothing.
他们几乎无法在任何事情上达成一致 几乎任何事
The Scottish national party is the very same party
苏格兰民族主义党
that was pushing for a breakup of the United Kingdom and for Scottish independence.
正是那个支持打散英联邦和苏格兰独立的党派
David Cameron's promise that there would be a referendum
大卫·卡梅伦许诺会给选民机会
where Britain would get the opportunity to vote to leave the European Union.
让他们投票决定英国是否要脱离欧盟
So you could have Britain leaving the European Union, Scotland leaving the United Kingdom.
这样一来 英国就脱离了欧盟 苏格兰脱离了英联邦
Slytherin leaving Hogwarts.
斯莱特林脱离了霍格沃茨
Downstairs leaving upstairs, Downton leaving Abbey.
下楼离开上楼 唐顿离开庄院
Doctor leaving who, everyone in Britain is pro secession,
神秘离开博士 英国每个人都赞成脱离
they just can't agree on what to secede from.
他们只是在从哪里脱离的问题上达成一致
Let's just do it, you know what, let's just—
这样吧 干脆——
English ditches Europe.
英国脱欧
Scotland divorces England.
苏格兰脱离英国
Wales and Ireland split off and fragment, Northumbria and East Anglia secede.
威尔士和爱尔兰分开 诺森布利亚和东盎格里亚分开
The ancient kingdoms of Mercia and Sussex reassert their rights,
古麦西亚和苏塞克斯重新掌权
oxford and Cambridge go to war.
牛津剑桥宣战
Londinium seizes the banks,
伦迪尼姆掌控银行
that weird Stonehenge thing comes to life and the druids start their own thing,
巨石阵复活 德鲁伊教徒独立
tattoo tribal war lords clash in petty squabbles,
纹着不同纹身的部落之间再掀起冲突
until the once and future king Arthur pulls Excalibur from the stone
直到唯一的未来的亚瑟王从石头中拔出王者之剑
and once again unites all Britain against the Saxon horde
重新统一大不列颠 与撒克逊部族对抗
but by then it's time for the next world
但是那已经是另一个世界了
