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Okay. All right. Thank you. I'm the comedian who will be performing now.
好 谢谢大家 我是现在的表演嘉宾
So what can I tell you? I used to live in the south. And then I moved to New York city for a while.
说点什么好呢 我以前住在美国南部 搬来纽约有一段时间了
And if you have not been to New York city, do not go because it is rough.
如果你还没去过纽约 不要去 因为那里的生存环境特别恶劣
It's covered in rats, did you know that? There's lots of rats there.
到处都是老鼠 你们知道吗 纽约老鼠特别多
And here's the thing, when I lived in the South, okay, this is true.
这样说吧 我以前住在美国南部的时候 这是真事儿
Sometimes I would be going to work in the morning, not making this up, and a bunny rabbit would hop across the street.
有时候我上午去上班 是真的哦 我会看见一只兔子蹦着穿过街道
And I would be like aw, my day had a bunny in it, you know.
我会觉得 哇 今天有只兔子闯进了我的生活
When I was go to work in the morning in New York city, legions of rats would just be across—they would talk to me,
而我搬来纽约后 早上上班的时候 成群结队的老鼠穿过——它们还会跟我讲话
they would be like winter is coming. They were terrifying.
它们会说 凛冬将至 太可怕了
There were so many rats in New York city that sometimes I would be in a restaurant and
纽约的老鼠太多了 有时候我去饭店
I would like order the restaurant and they bring my food and I have to go I'm sorry, waiter, this is rat.
点餐 他们给我把食物端上来之后 我说 抱歉 你端上来的是老鼠
And he would be oh yeah, you're right, and they bring food.
他说 哦对哦 然后再把食物端上来
There were so many rats in New York city, sometimes I turn my air conditioning on and then just rats would come out.
纽约特别多老鼠 有时我打开空调 就会有老鼠掉出来
And I would be like I had it set to rats and I would change it to air.
我就在想 是不是我以前设置成了送鼠模式 然后我再调到送风模式
Now I live here, and I'm trying to be healthier.
现在我住在这边 就像生活的健康一点
My wife and I, I have a wife, she's real.
我妻子和我 我有妻子 是真人
And my wife and I, we've been eating vegan, no salt, no sugar, no fat.
我妻子和我 我们一直吃素 不放盐 不放糖 油也不放
Has anybody here ever eaten like that?
在座有人试过这种吃法吗
If you have eaten that way, okay, if you have eaten that way, is it normal that I am seeing wolves out of the corner of my vision?
如果有的话 我想问问 我有时会看见有狼从角落走出来 这正常吗
I'm getting a lot of ghost wolves.
我经常看见很多狼的幻影
We've been eating carrots. Which are the worst food, are they not?
我们还吃胡萝卜 胡萝卜真是世界上最可怕的食物 不是吗
What is the flavor of carrots, hard? Is that the flavor?
胡萝卜什么味道啊 是硬的吗 这是味道吗
Carrots are like hey, what if shapes were flavors.
胡萝卜给我的感觉就是 它的形状就是他的味道
What is your favorite flavor, cylinder, here's a carrot.
嘿 那个圆柱体 你最喜欢什么味道 试试这个胡萝卜吧
Every time I eat a carrot I feel like I'm eating the abstract concept of solidity.
我每次吃胡萝卜的时候就感觉的自己吃的是某种固体的抽象概念
I'm just like oh, so three dimensional. This object's molecules are packed tightly together.
我会觉得 哇 好立体啊 这东西的分子紧密的结合在一起
This is isn't a liquid or a gas, this is a carrot.
而它又不是液体或气体 它是一根胡萝卜
To me, I don't think carrots made sense until they invented ranch, you know.
就我而言 我一直没明白胡萝卜存在的意义是什么 直到有人发明了农场
And then they were like ah, I get it. You can eat the spoon. Yeah, I liked that one too.
然后他们说 啊我明白了 你可以吃勺子啊 谢谢 我也喜欢这段
My dad and my mom still live in the South where I'm from. And my dad, he's a great old guy.
我爸妈现在还住在南部 我爸是个挺不错的老头
But sometimes I'm worried he is not getting the information that he needs.
但有时候我会担心他找不到自己需要的资源什么的
We were driving in my hometown and it's so old-fashioned there, very old-fashioned,
有一次我们在老家 开着车在路上 那是个挺老的地方 特别落后
they still have video stores there.
那儿还开着音像店
So I was driving my dad and I saw and I thought wow, how does that even stay open, a
我开车载着我爸 看见了那个音像店我就像 哇 现在都用网飞和hulu了
video store, they have Netflix and hu lu now and my dad goes well, it's mostly an adult video store now.
怎么这种店还开的下去啊 我爸说 那里面大部分都是成人录像
And I was like, okay, that doesn't make any sense either.
我说 好吧 但这样也说不通啊
I said dad, you can watch any pornography you want on the internet 24 hours a day for free.
我说爸 在网上你也可以24小时免费看任意大片啊
And my dad went what? He didn't know that! I changed his life, I think.
我爸说 啥 他还根本不知道这回事 我觉得我改变了他的一生
I told my mom, destroy the computer in two days. Because you are not going to want it any more.
我又跟我妈说 两天内赶快把电脑拆了反正你肯定也不会想要它了
My dad, he wants us to go, this is his big dream. He wants us to go on the amazing race together.
我爸想让我们 这是他的一个梦想 他想让我们一起上极速前进
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I don't know.
嗯嗯 我也不知道 不知道
If you don't know what the amazing race is it is a reality game show where Americans
如果你们不知道的话 极速前进是个真人秀节目 一群美国人奔跑着
run through foreign countries trying to win money, which is like the only way that Americans would visit foreign countries.
穿过其他国家来赢钱 这可能就是美国人出国唯一的方式吧
Out of my way, I want the money, out of my way, Indian guy. He was Chinese.
让开 我要赢钱 让开 前面那个印度人 他是中国人
My dad thinks we should be a team on that show. And I, you know, I don't know if we should.
我把觉得节目里面我们一家人应该是一队 我 我不知道会不会
Because I've seen my dad have road rage in a Lowe's parking lot.
因为我在劳氏的停车场见识过我爸的路怒症
So I don't know how he is going to handle the streets of Calcuta.
所以我也不知道他能不能搞清楚加尔各达的那些街道
I feel like every time the cuttos on the show we'll be losing, you know what you mean.
我觉得我们肯定是要输的 你们明白吗
They will cut to me hey, way, welcome back to team Logan.
你会听到他们说 欢迎回到洛根队
We're still here at the Pittsburgh airport because my dad has been looking for free parking for ten hours.
我们现在还在匹兹堡 因为我爸花了10个小时找免费停车场
So I don't know if we're going to make it to Morocco today.
所以我也不知道我们今天能不能到摩洛哥
Hi, welcome back to team Logan. We're here in Borneo where it turns out my dad will only eat at an Applebee's.
嗨 欢迎回到洛根队 我们现在在婆罗洲 我发现在我爸只吃苹果蜜餐厅的食物
Blood sugar is low, tensions are high! That's me. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.
血糖低 我却很担心 以上就是我今天的表演 你们太棒了 谢谢大家
