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There is some medical news that nobody, absolutely nobody, is prepared to hear. I certainly wasn't.
有一些医疗消息，绝对没人希望听到。我当然也没有。
It was three years ago that I got a call in my office with the test results of a recent scan.
三年前，我在办公室接到一通电话，是我最近一次医疗扫描的结果。
I was 35 and finally living the life I wanted.
我当时35岁，终于过上了梦寐以求的生活。
I married my high school sweetheart and had finally gotten pregnant after years of infertility.
我嫁给了高中的恋人，在数年的努力之后终于成功怀孕。
And then suddenly we had a Zach, a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur, depending on his mood.
没过多久扎克就降临人世，完美的一岁小男孩，有时却像个恐龙，这要看他的心情。
And having a Zach suited me perfectly.
拥有扎克的生活非常适合我。
I had gotten the first job I applied for in academia, land of a thousand crushed dreams.
我从千人中脱颖而出，第一次成功应聘了学校的岗位。
And there I was, working at my dream job with my little baby and the man I had imported from Canada.
当时，我做着梦想中的工作，身边陪伴的是我的小孩，和我从加拿大“进口”的丈夫。
But a few months before, I'd started feeling pain in my stomach and had gone to every expert to find out why.
但数月前，我开始感觉胃疼，我拜访了很多专家，想查清原因。
No one could tell me. And then, out of the blue,
没人能解释清楚。之后毫无预兆的，
some physician's assistant called me at work to tell me that I had stage IV cancer,
某医生的助手在我工作时打电话给我，告知我患上了四期癌症，
and that I was going to need to come to the hospital right away.
并且我需要立刻前往医院。
And all I could think of to say was, "But I have a son. I can't end. This world can't end. It has just begun."
当时我大脑里唯一能想到的话是：“但我还有个儿子，我不能死。这个世界不能结束，这才刚刚开始。”
And then I called my husband, and he rushed to find me and I said all the true things that I have known.
之后我打电话给我丈夫，他飞奔过来，我对他说了我所有的真心话。
I said, "I have loved you forever, I have loved you forever. I am so sorry. Please take care of our son."
我说：“我一直爱着你，我一直爱着你。非常对不起。请照顾好我们的儿子。”
And then as I began the walk to the hospital, it crossed my mind for the first time, "Oh. How ironic."
然后我前往医院，途中我第一次想到，“天呐，太讽刺了。”
I had just written a book called "Blessed."
我才刚写了一本叫“祝福”的书。
I am a historian and an expert in the idea that good things happen to good people.
我是一名历史学家，笃信“好人有好报”的说法。
I research a form of Christianity nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"
我研究了基督教的一支，别称“成功神学”，
for its very bold promise that God wants you to prosper.
它的名字很直白地告诉你上帝希望你成功。
I never considered myself a follower of the prosperity gospel. I was simply an observer.
我从不认为自己是成功神学的信徒，我仅仅是个观察者。
The prosperity gospel believes that God wants to reward you if you have the right kind of faith.
成功神学认为，若你有正确的信仰，上帝就会奖励你。
If you're good and faithful, God will give you health and wealth and boundless happiness.
如果你是个好人，又很虔诚，上帝就会赐给你健康、财富以及无穷的快乐。
Life is like a boomerang: if you're good, good things will always come back to you.
生命就像个回旋镖：如果你是个好人，那么你就会得到好报。
Think positively. Speak positively. Nothing is impossible if you believe.
想积极的事，说积极的话。世上无难事，只怕有心人。
I got interested in this very American theology when I was 18 or so,
当我18岁左右的时候，对这类美国特色的神学感兴趣，
and by 25 I was traveling the country interviewing its celebrities.
25岁时，我周游国家、采访名人信徒。
I spent a decade talking to televangelists with spiritual guarantees for divine money.
我在十年间与电视布道者交谈，他们深信上帝会给让你富有。
I interviewed countless megachurch pastors with spectacular hair about how they live their best lives now.
我采访过无数留着惊人发型的大教堂主教，关于现在他们是如何活出精彩的。
I visited with people in hospital waiting rooms and plush offices.
我探望过在医院等候室和豪华办公室中的人，
I held hands with people in wheelchairs, praying to be cured.
我也与坐在轮椅上的人握手交谈，他们祈祷自己能好起来。
I earned my reputation as destroyer of family vacations for always insisting on being dropped off at the fanciest megachurch in town.
我被叫作“家庭度假的破坏者”，因为我总是要求在镇上靓丽的大教堂处下车。
If there was a river running through the sanctuary, an eagle flying freely in the auditorium,
如果一处圣殿所有河流经过、礼堂上盘旋着老鹰，
or an enormous spinning golden globe, I was there.
或是上面有巨大的旋转金球，我一定会出现在那个地方。
When I first started studying this, the whole idea of being "blessed" wasn't what it is today.
当我开始研究这些时，“祝福”这个概念不是现在的意思。
It was not, like it is now, an entire line of "#blessed" home goods.
这个概念并不像现在这样，有一整条完整的“#祝福”家居产品产业线。
It was not yet a flood of "#blessed" vanity license plates and T-shirts and neon wall art.
那时没有大量个性化“#祝福”牌照，或是T恤和霓虹灯艺术墙。
I had no idea that "blessed" would become one of the most common cultural cliches,
我没想到“祝福”会发展成一个常见的文化俗套，
one of the most used hashtags on Instagram, to celebrate barely there bikini shots,
变成instagram上最常用的标签之一，仅仅是用于庆祝比基尼短裤，
as if to say, "I am so blessed. Thank you, Jesus, for this body."
就好像在说：“我被祝福着，谢谢你，耶稣，给了我这副身体。”
I had not yet fully grasped the way that the prosperity gospel had become the great civil religion,
我还没完全理解成功神学是如何成为了主要的国民宗教，
offering another transcendent account of the core of the American Dream.
为美国梦的核心做出另一个超常的解释。
Rather than worshipping the founding of America itself, the prosperity gospel worshipped Americans.
成功神学推崇的不是美国建立的本身，而是美国人。
It deifies and ritualizes their hungers, their hard work and moral fiber.
它将美国人的渴望、努力和道德品质神圣化及仪式化。
Americans believe in a gospel of optimism, and they are their own proof.
美国人坚信乐观主义，他们自己就是见证。
But despite telling myself, "I'm just studying this stuff, I'm nothing like them,"
尽管我告诉自己：“我只是在研究这个东西，我与他们不同，”
when I got my diagnosis, I suddenly understood how deeply invested I was in my own Horatio Alger theology.
当我拿到诊断书时，我突然明白，自己已深陷霍雷肖·阿尔杰理论中。
If you live in this culture, whether you are religious or not,
如果你生活在这种文化中，不管你是否信教，
it is extremely difficult to avoid falling into the trap of believing that virtue and success go hand in hand.
很难避免陷入这样一种思维：美德和成功是联系在一起的。
The more I stared down my diagnosis,
我越盯着看诊断书，
the more I recognized that I had my own quiet version of the idea that good things happen to good people.
越是意识到，对于“好人有好报”这句话，我有着自己的理解。
Aren't I good? Aren't I special somehow? I have committed zero homicides to date.
我不优秀吗？我某种程度上不是独一无二的吗？至今为止，我从未杀过人。
So why is this happening to me?
那么为什么这一切要发生在我身上？
I wanted God to make me good and to reward my faith with just a few shining awards along the way.
我希望上帝让我变得优秀，并且嘉奖我的虔诚，只要一点小的奖励就可以。
OK, like, a lot of shining awards.
好吧，我想要很多杰出奖励。
I believed that hardships were only detours on what I was certain would be my long, long life.
我相信苦难只是我人生长路上避不开的几条弯路而已。
As is this case with many of us, it's a mindset that served me well.
就像其他人那样，这种心态对我很有帮助。
The gospel of success drove me to achieve, to dream big, to abandon fear.
成功神学驱使我努力、志向高远、抛弃恐惧。
It was a mindset that served me well until it didn't,
曾几何时，这种心态对我很有帮助，直到现在，
until I was confronted with something I couldn't manage my way out of;
直到我遇到了一个无法解决的困难；
until I found myself saying into the phone, "But I have a son," because it was all I could think of to say.
直到我对着电话说：“但我还有个儿子呀，”因为我只能想到这句话。
That was the most difficult moment to accept:
那是最难以接受的一刻：
the phone call, the walk to the hospital, when I realized that my own personal prosperity gospel had failed me.
那通电话，赶去医院，当我意识到自己的成功神学辜负了我。
Anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me
我自以为的优秀品质或特质，都没法救我，
my hard work, my personality, my humor, my perspective.
工作努力、人格良好、机智幽默、眼光独道。
I had to face the fact that my life is built with paper walls, and so is everyone else's.
我不得不接受这个事实：我的人生是纸糊的，别人的同样如此。
It is a hard thought to accept that we are all a breath away from a problem
很难接受，在瞬息之间会有困难
that could destroy something irreplaceable or alter our lives completely.
完全摧毁某些事物，或是彻底改变我们的生活。
We know that in life there are befores and afters.
我们都知道在人生中，有“之前”和“之后”两个阶段。
I am asked all the time to say that I would never go back, or that I've gained so much in perspective.
我一直被要求做到不要后悔，或是我学到很多。
And I tell them no, before was better.
但我要说不，之前才更好。
A few months after I got sick, I wrote about this and then I sent it off to an editor at the "New York Times."
在我患病后几个月，我写下这些，并且把它发给《纽约时报》的一位编辑。
In retrospect, taking one of the most vulnerable moments of your life
回想起来，讲述一个你人生中最脆弱的时刻，
and turning into an op-ed is not an amazing way to feel less vulnerable.
并刊登在社论对页版，并不能有效减轻脆弱的感觉。
I got thousands of letters and emails. I still get them every day.
我收到了数千份回信和邮件。现在每天还能收到一些。
I think it is because of the questions I asked.
我认为这是因为我问的问题。
I asked: How do you live without quite so many reasons for the bad things that happen?
我问：如果坏事无缘无故地发生，你们是如何活下去的？
I asked: Would it be better to live without outrageous formulas for why people deserve what they get?
我问：如果不相信好人有好报的话，是不是能轻松地活下去？
And what was so funny and so terrible was, of course,
甚至更加搞笑和糟糕的是，
I thought I asked people to simmer down on needing an explanation for the bad things that happened.
我要求人们冷静下来，不要再为坏事找缘由。
So what did thousands of readers do?
那么数千名读者做了什么？
Yeah, they wrote to defend the idea that there had to be a reason for what happened to me.
他们在信中辩护说对于发生在我身上的事一定有一个缘由。
And they really want me to understand the reason.
并且他们非常想让我理解这个缘由。
People want me to reassure them that my cancer is all part of a plan.
人们希望我向他们保证，我患癌症是某个计划的一部分。
A few letters even suggested it was God's plan that I get cancer so I could help people by writing about it.
有几封信甚至提议说是上帝计划让我得癌症，这样我就能写出这些，帮助他人。
People are certain it is a test of my character or proof of something terrible I've done.
人们确信这是一场对我人性的测试，或是证明了我曾做过什么坏事。
They want me to know without a doubt that there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos.
他们希望我毫不怀疑的相信，在表面混乱的背后隐藏着逻辑。
They tell my husband, while I'm still in the hospital, that everything happens for a reason,
当我还在医院的时候，他们告诉我的丈夫，一切都事出有因，
and then stammer awkwardly when he says, "I'd love to hear it. I'd love to hear the reason my wife is dying."
但当我丈夫说：“我想听听理由。我想知道为何我妻子命悬一线。”他们却又支支吾吾。
And I get it. We all want reasons. We want formulas to predict whether our hard work will pay off,
然后我懂了，我们都想知道原因，我们都希望这些“准则”能够预测我们的努力是否会获得回报，
whether our love and support will always make our partners happy and our kids love us.
我们的爱和支持是否会让我们的伴侣开心、让我们的孩子爱我们。
We want to live in a world in which not one ounce of our hard work or our pain or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.
我们都希望在这个世界上，每一分努力、痛苦或是最深的希望会得到回报。
We want to live in a world in which nothing is lost.
我们都希望世界上不会有愿望落空。
But what I have learned in living with stage IV cancer
若说从四期癌症中我学到了什么，
is that there is no easy correlation between how hard I try and the length of my life.
那就是在我的努力和我的寿命没有任何的联系。
In the last three years, I've experienced more pain and trauma than I ever thought I could survive.
在最近的三年中，我承受了许多痛苦与创伤，远超我觉得自己能够承受的范围。
I realized the other day that I've had so many abdominal surgeries that I'm on my fifth belly button,
另一天我意识到我已经经历过太多腹部手术，我的肚脐已经换过4次，
and this last one is my least favorite.
而最新的这颗是我最不喜欢的。
But at the same time, I've experienced love, so much love, love I find hard to explain.
但同时，我也经历了爱，无穷无尽的爱，很难用语言来描述。
The other day, I was reading the findings of the Near Death Experience Research Foundation, and yes, there is such a thing.
某天，我正在阅读濒死体验研究基金会的一份研究报告，这种东西确实存在。
People were interviewed about their brushes with death in all kinds of circumstances:
他们采访了各种情况下人们与死亡擦肩而过的体验：
car accidents, labor and delivery, suicides.
车祸、分娩、自杀。
And many reported the same odd thing: love.
许多人提到了同样的奇怪事：爱。
I'm sure I would have ignored it if it hadn't reminded me of something I had experienced,
我确定我肯定会无视它，如果它没能唤醒我的记忆，
something I felt uncomfortable telling anyone:
让我想起一些不想告诉他人的事，
that when I was sure that I was going to die, I didn't feel angry. I felt loved.
当我确信自己会死亡的时候，我没有感到愤怒，我感觉被爱着。
It was one of the most surreal things I have experienced.
这是我所经历过最离奇的事之一。
In a time in which I should have felt abandoned by God, I was not reduced to ashes.
当我应该感到被上帝抛弃的时候，我并未化为灰烬。
I felt like I was floating, floating on the love and prayers of all those who hummed around me like worker bees,
我觉得自己漂浮着，漂浮在爱与祈祷之上，它们来自围绕在我周围、如蜜蜂般嗡嗡作响的人，
bringing me notes and socks and flowers and quilts embroidered with words of encouragement.
给我带来慰问卡、袜子和鲜花，还有上面绣有鼓励话语的被子。
But when they sat beside me, my hand in their hands,
但当他们坐在我的身旁，握住我的手时，
my own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me the suffering of others.
我的痛苦好像不再属于我，变成了我感知的他人的痛苦。
I was entering a world of people just like me,
我正进入像我一样的人的世界，
people stumbling around in the debris of dreams they thought they were entitled to and plans they didn't realize they had made.
人们在破碎的梦想前颤抖，曾以为自己有能力实现；在破碎的计划前战栗，没意识到他们已制定这些计划。
It was a feeling of being more connected, somehow, with other people, experiencing the same situation.
我觉得自己与他人的联系加深，体验着同样的经历。
And that feeling stayed with me for months.
这种感觉，围绕了我几个月。
In fact, I'd grown so accustomed to it that I started to panic at the prospect of losing it.
事实上，我习惯于这个感觉，甚至开始担心未来会失去它。
So I began to ask friends, theologians, historians, nuns I liked, "What I am I going to do when that loving feeling is gone?"
所以我开始询问我喜欢的朋友、神学家、历史学家和修女：“等我感觉不到被爱着了，我要做什么？”
And they knew exactly what I was talking about,
他们明白我在说什么，
because they had either experienced it themselves or they'd read about it in great works of Christian theology.
因为他们或是自己经历过，或是在基督教义中学到过。
And they said, "Yeah, it'll go. The feelings will go. And there will be no formula for how to get it back."
他们回答：“任它去。这个感觉会消失的。没办法让它回来。”
But they offered me this little piece of reassurance, and I clung to it.
但他们提供给我这小小的保证，而我接受了。
They said, "When the feelings recede like the tides, they will leave an imprint."
他们说：“当这个感觉如潮水一般退去时，它会留下印记。”
And they do. And it is not proof of anything, and it is nothing to boast about. It was just a gift.
的确如此。这不能证明任何事情，也没有可夸耀的地方，这是一件礼物。
So I can't respond to the thousands of emails I get with my own five-step plan to divine health and magical floating feelings.
所以我无法用我的5步神圣健康计划和神奇的漂浮感来回复那数千份邮件。
I see that the world is jolted by events that are wonderful and terrible, gorgeous and tragic.
我发现世界被各种事件震动，它们或喜或悲，或华丽，或惨烈。
I can't reconcile the contradiction,
我无法调和矛盾，
except that I am beginning to believe that these opposites do not cancel each other out.
除了我开始相信这两面不会相互抵消。
Life is so beautiful, and life is so hard.
生命是如此的美好，生命又是如此的艰难。
Today, I am doing quite well.
如今，我的状况还不错。
The immunotherapy drugs appear to be working, and we are watching and waiting with scans.
免疫疗法的药物好像起作用了，而我们正在观察等待新的扫描结果。
I hope I will live a long time.
我希望自己能活得长久。
I hope I will live long enough to embarrass my son and to watch my husband lose his beautiful hair.
我希望能活到捉弄我儿子的那一刻，能看到我丈夫那美丽的头发掉光。
And I think I might. But I am learning to live and to love without counting the cost,
我觉得也许自己能活那么久。但我正在学习怎么生活、怎么去爱，不计代价，
without reasons and assurances that nothing will be lost.
也没有任何保证和理由说不会失去任何事物。
Life will break your heart, and life may take everything you have and everything you hope for.
生活会伤透你的心，生活可能会拿走你拥有的一切，你希望的一切。
But there is one kind of prosperity gospel that I believe in.
但我相信一种成功神学。
I believe that in the darkness, even there, there will be beauty, and there will be love.
我相信即使是在黑暗里，也会有美好，也会有爱。
And every now and then, it will feel like more than enough. Thank you.
时不时地，好像总是有无尽的爱与美好。谢谢。
