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A few weeks ago, I sat down with my mother and told her something that I had been keeping from her for 22 years.
几周前，我告诉了我母亲一件我向她隐瞒了22年的事。
From the time that I was 14 years old until I was 16, I was sexually assaulted. It was scary and confusing. It was humiliating.
从14岁到16岁，我一直在遭受性侵。这种遭遇令人恐惧、困惑和羞耻。
And even though I can genuinely say that my mom and I have always had a close relationship, I never told her.
坦率地说，尽管我和妈妈的关系一直很亲密，但我对这件事一直守口如瓶。
Even with recent movements bringing the topics of sexual abuse and sexual assault into mainstream conversation, I stayed silent.
即使最近的社会运动把性虐待和性侵的话题纳入了主流对话，但我仍然选择保持沉默。
And I guarantee that for every brave soul who said "Me too," there were countless others who didn't ... who still haven't.
我敢保证，在每一个说“我也是”的勇敢的灵魂的背后，还有无数过去没有发声，以及现在依然没有发声的人。
Why didn't those people speak up earlier? Why didn't I?
为什么那些人不早点说出来？为什么我没早点说出来？
Because of the shame. Because of that feeling inside telling me that what happened to me was my fault.
因为那种羞耻。因为内心那种感觉告诉我，发生在我身上的事是我的错。
We all hear that voice sometimes. It tells us things like, you are aren't good enough, you aren't smart enough ... you can't give a TED talk.
我们有时都会听到那个声音，不断对我们说，你不够好，你不够聪明...你不可能在TED发表演讲。
We hear that voice, and it becomes difficult to hear anything else.
我们听到了那个声音，就很难再听到其他声音。
We begin to agonize over what other people will think of us -- how they will judge us if they found out our darkest secrets.
我们开始为别人对我们的看法而苦恼--如果他们发现了我们最黑暗的秘密，他们会如何评价我们。
Shame is so powerful that it can become part of who we are.
羞耻是如此强大，甚至可以成为塑造我们的一部分。
I told my mom what happened to me and one of the first things that she said was,
我跟妈妈讲了我的遭遇，她说的第一句话就是：
"Oh, Kristin, I've been wondering what's been driving you so hard all of these years."
“哦，克莉丝汀，我一直想知道，这些年来是什么让你过得这么艰难。”
She could see it before I could. My shame was so deep-rooted that I had overcompensated by trying to be perfect in every other area of my life.
她比我先看到了。我的羞耻感是如此根深蒂固，以至于我试图在生活中的其他方面都做到完美来过度弥补。
Trying to build the perfect family, the perfect career, by trying to exhibit control instead of the chaos I felt inside.
试着建立一个完美的家庭，一个完美的职业生涯，试图展现出控制力，而不是我内心感到的混乱。
I have been trying my entire life to orchestrate how the world perceives me, because inside I haven't felt good enough.
我一生都在努力设计这个世界对我的看法，因为我内心感觉不够好。
She always said that I burned the candle at both ends, and now she knew why.
她总是说我看起来心力憔悴，现在她知道原因了。
Some people may be more prone to shame than others, but sexual abuse doesn't discriminate.
有些人可能比其他人更容易感到羞耻，但性虐待并不挑受害者。
It has the ability to make even the most confident of us think painful, negative thoughts. Why?
它可以让我们中间即使是最自信的人也想到痛苦、消极的想法。为什么？
Because it takes away control over the one thing in this life that is supposed to be truly and entirely our own: our bodies.
因为它夺走了这辈子本应真正完全属于我们自己的一个事物的控制权：我们的身体。
I've been haunted by one thought since my experience first began.
自从我的首次遭遇开始，我一直被一个想法所困扰。
As I tried to make sense of what happened to me, I thought to myself: this is all my fault.
当我试图弄清楚发生在我身上的事情时，我心想：这都是我的错。
I didn't say "no" good enough. Next time, I'll say "no" better.
我说“不”说得还不够好。下次，我会更用力地说“不”。
I've questioned why that was my go-to response and why my shame was so deep and heavy that it paralyzed me from speaking my truth for so long.
我质问过为什么这是我的第一反应，为什么我的羞耻感如此之深，如此沉重，以至于让我在这么长的时间内无法说出真相。
And now that I'm the parent of two amazing children,
现在我是两个了不起的孩子的母亲，
I constantly wonder what I can do and what we can all do as a society to get ahead of the shame
我一直在想我能做些什么，作为一个社会我们能做什么，才能战胜耻辱感，
and instead empower our children to know without a doubt that sexual abuse isn't their fault.
给我们的孩子们以力量，让他们明白无误地知道被性侵不是他们的错。
Dr. Brené Brown, who has done incredible research around shame and vulnerability, calls shame the most powerful master emotion.
布芮尼·布朗博士曾就羞耻和脆弱做了令人难以置信的研究，她称羞耻是最强大的主宰情感。
And I couldn't agree more. Shame has the power to make kids who have been sexually assaulted
我完全同意。羞耻感能使那些受到性侵
or in some other way victimized by adults turn in on themselves and experience intense internal pain.
或以其他方式被成年人迫害的孩子们自暴自弃，内心中充斥着强烈的痛苦。
But think about that. Isn't that incredibly unfair? Haven't we failed as a society when the end result is a child feeling shame?
但想想看吧。那不是很不公平吗？当我们的社会让孩子们感到羞辱时，这还是一个正常的社会吗？
Shouldn't it be the perpetrators? Shouldn't they be ashamed of what they've done?
我们不应该让肇事者感到耻辱吗？难道他们不该为自己的所作所为感到羞耻吗？
Instead, they prey on the shame of children and manipulate them into thinking that what happened is their fault.
相反，他们利用孩子们的羞耻感，操纵他们，让他们认为所发生的事情是他们的错。
The person who violated me fed my shame and I played right into it, becoming a knot of tortured silence for many years.
那个侵犯我的人进一步深化了我的羞耻感，而我也落入了那个陷阱，多年以来成为了饱受折磨心有千结的沉默寡言之人。
But is that shame also my fault?
但这种耻辱也是我的错吗？
Not as a victim but as a parent, who like so many of us, has unthinkingly said things to my children like,
不是作为受害者，而是作为家长，我，像很多人一样，也不假思索地对我的孩子们说过这样的话：
"Don't let anyone touch you; don't let anyone hurt you; don't put yourself in situations where you can become a victim."
“不要让任何人碰你；不要让任何人伤害你；不要把自己置于可能成为受害者的境地。”
As parents, we believe that we're empowering our children to take ownership of their bodies,
作为父母，我们相信我们是在给予孩子力量，当自己身体的主人，
but when we say "don't let anyone touch you," what we're really saying is "you are responsible for the actions of somebody else."
但当我们说“不要让任何人碰你”，我们实际上说的是“你要为别人的行为负责。”
We're treating this subject like it's something children can control, which is unrealistic,
我们以为这个问题是孩子们可以控制的，这是不现实的，
and are in turn creating a sense of false responsibility in the mind of a child.
反过来又会在孩子的头脑中制造一种错误的责任感。
An internal narrative that tells them it is their job to stop bad things from happening,
他们内心的话语告诉他们，他们的工作是阻止坏事的发生，
that they as children are responsible for stopping the actions of someone who is usually bigger, stronger and older than they are.
他们作为孩子有责任阻止某个通常个子比他们大，更强壮，更年长的人的行为。
I heard a message that I should have been able to stop what was happening to me and that made me blame myself.
我听到一个消息说，我应该能够阻止我遭遇的事情，这让我自责。
I developed and then believed the idea that I had done something wrong.
我产生了一种想法，相信我做错了什么。
I constantly wonder if I'm unintentionally setting the same traps for my children.
我经常在想，我是否无意中为我的孩子设置了相同的陷阱。
I'm not wrong for wanting to keep my kids safe, but I might be wrong for inadvertently telling them the same sorts of things that I believed as a child
我想保护孩子们的安全并没有错，但我可能错在无意中告诉了他们一些我小时候相信的事情，
that I could prevent someone from taking advantage of me by saying "no," and therefore, if my "no" didn't work, that it was my fault.
我可以通过说“不”来阻止别人侵害我，因此，如果我说的“不”不起作用，那就是我的错。
As a survivor, I want to tell them now what I longed to hear then:
作为一个幸存者，我现在想告诉他们我那时很想听到的话：
that there is nothing you can do to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of by someone who should know better.
你没有任何办法可以阻止自己被一个本该有良知的人侵害。
But at the same time, I want them to believe they have the power to stop someone from taking advantage of them.
但与此同时，我希望他们确信他们有权力阻止别人侵害他们。
I want them to feel ownership of their bodies. I want to tell my kids that I can protect them, and I want to believe that.
我想让他们感受到自己才是身体的主人翁。我想告诉我的孩子，我可以保护他们，我想确信这一点。
But buried beneath all those good intentions and motherly instincts is that same shame.
但掩埋在这些善意和母性本能之下的是同样的耻辱。
If I tell my kids that there's something they can do to prevent sexual assault, doesn't that mean that there's something that I could have done?
如果我告诉我的孩子，他们可以做些事来防止性侵，这不是说我当年也可以做些什么吗？
We teach our children to say "no". I said "no" every time.
我们教孩子们说“不”。当年我每次都说了“不”。
And I quickly learned that "no" doesn't always work.
我很快意识到说“不”并不总是有效的。
That doesn't mean that saying "no" is the wrong idea, just that it's not a solution.
这并不意味着说“不”是错误的想法，只是这不是一个解决办法。
This is a scary concept to talk about, but it's a reality that we have to face and be honest about with our children.
这是个仅仅是提及都会让人恐惧的概念，但这是一种我们必须要面对，而且要给我们的孩子诚实讲述的现实。
The more that I said "no," the more I prolonged the inevitable.
我说“不”说得越多，我就越是拖长了不可避免的事。
It got to the point where I felt that if I just gave in and got it over with, at least I would have some peace until whenever the next time would be.
事情到了如此地步，以至于我觉得，如果我干脆屈服，让它结束，至少我会得到一些安宁，直到下次。
That made me feel like a failure. I felt all sense of power I had over the situation slip away,
这让我觉得自己是个失败者。我感到自己对局势的掌控力消失了，
and any grand illusions of fixing what had happened only compounded the guilt and shame that I felt for not being strong enough to stop my abuse.
任何解决已经发生的事情的幻想都使我感到内疚和羞愧，因为我无力阻止自己遭受虐待。
Now I felt guilty for being weak. I felt guilty for being scared.
现在我为软弱而感到内疚。我为害怕而感到内疚。
I was supposed to be stronger. I was supposed to say "no" better. My "no" was supposed to be enough.
我本应该更坚强的。我本来应该更好地说“不”。我说的“不”本应该足够了。
Now instead, I try to tell my kids that if something bad happens to them,
现在，我试着告诉我的孩子们，如果他们遭遇了什么坏事，
it's not because they didn't prevent it nor is it on their shoulders alone to say "no."
这不是因为他们没有去阻止，说“不”也不只是他们肩上的责任。
Although it feels like it, sexual assault doesn't occur in a vacuum.
虽然感觉像发生在另一个世界，但性侵并不是发生在真空中的。
It is enabled every single day by how our society misrepresents and conditions us to think about sexual violence:
它每一天都在发生，是因为我们的社会一直在错误地描述性暴力，并限制我们对性暴力的思考：
the gender norms and systemic misogyny that are ever-present, the victimization of victims and so much more.
把一直存在的性别规范和系统性的厌女症，加害于受害者，以及其它种种。
It is not just an individual problem, especially when some studies show that
这不仅仅是个人的问题，特别是当一些研究表明，
as many as one in four girls and one in 13 boys experience sexual abuse at some point during childhood.
多达四分之一的女孩和十三分之一的男孩在童年的某个时候都经历过性虐待。
And that means it's not just on individuals to solve it.
这意味着解决问题不能仅依靠个体。
So of course while I try to teach my kids about strength and resilience and persevering, and overcoming obstacles,
所以很自然地，当我教我的孩子力量、坚韧、毅力和如何克服障碍时，
I make sure that they know strength doesn't mean facing challenges or dark feelings alone.
我要确保他们知道有力量并不意味着要独自面对挑战或阴暗的情绪。
In fact, there's strength in numbers and strength in asking for help.
事实上，要懂得联合他人，寻求帮助并不意味着软弱。
I was ashamed to speak up for fear of appearing weak, but what I learned is talking about what happened to me only made me stronger.
我那时羞耻到因为害怕表现出软弱而不说出这件事，但我后来学到的是，谈论我遭遇的事情只会让我变得更坚强。
It made my shame start to dissipate. I teach my kids about courage, and I want them to know that courageous, strong people ask for help.
这让我的羞耻感开始消散。我教给我的孩子勇气，我想让他们知道勇敢、坚强的人也会寻求帮助。
I remember when I was little, my parents would walk me to the bus stop.
我记得我小的时候，我的父母会送我到公交车站。
They said it was to keep my safe, and I believed that.
他们说是为了保护我的安全，我也信了。
I remember always looking out for that white van that I had been warned about.
我记得自己一直警惕着那辆我被警告要提防的白色货车。
But like over 90 percent of children who are sexually abused, I wasn't taken off a street corner or abducted from a shopping mall.
但是，像90%以上遭受性虐待的儿童一样，我并没有被从街角掠走，也没有在购物中心被绑架。
I was violated by someone I knew. My parents did everything they could to protect me,
我被我熟识的人侵犯了。我的父母在尽其所能地保护我，
but what none of us realized was the foundation of shame that was building inside when we talked about "stranger danger" and saying "no" and not becoming a victim.
但我们都没有意识到，当我们谈论“陌生人危险”，说“不”，以及不要成为受害者时，这其中建立的羞耻的基础。
Of course this wasn't intentional.
当然，他们不是故意的。
They did what all of us want to do as parents,
他们做了我们所有为人父母者想做的事，
imagine that there's something we can do to protect our children from bad things, but the fact is we can't.
想象我们可以做些什么来保护我们的孩子不受坏事的伤害，但事实是我们做不到。
And we can't solve the problem of sexual assault by shifting all of the blame onto victims or potential victims or even our loved ones.
把责任转移到受害者或潜在受害者的身上，甚至是爱人的身上，是解决不了性侵问题的。
The blame, 100 percent, is with the perpetrators.
肇事者应承担全部责任。
And pretending that it lies anywhere else not only allows those who commit assault to escape full responsibility but also perpetuates shame for victims.
把责任推给其他方面，不仅让那些实施侵犯的人逃避完全责任，还会使受害者永远蒙羞。
And I for one am tired of being ashamed.
就我而言，我已经疲于感到羞愧。
I'll be honest with you. I wrote at least 10 different conclusions to this talk, but none of them felt right.
坦白说，我为这次演讲构思了至少10个不同的结论，但没有一个感觉是正确的。
And I think that's because there isn't a conclusion here.
我想这是因为还不存在一个结论。
There's no way to wrap this subject up in a box, tie it in a perfect bow, set it aside and call it done.
没有办法把这个话题包装在一个盒子里，绑上一个完美的蝴蝶结，把它放在一边，说它结束了。
This requires ongoing, open and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.
这需要持续的、开放的、有时令人不快的对话。
And as much as I want to protect my children now,
尽管我现在想保护我的孩子，
what I've come to realize is I can't protect them from sexual violence any more than my parents could have protected me.
但我逐渐意识到，我确保他们免受性暴力的能力，并不比我父母保护我的能力强多少。
But what I can protect them from is shame. God forbid my children go through what I went through.
但我能够保护他们免受耻辱。上帝会保佑我的孩子不要经历我遭遇的一切。
I, at the very least, want them to know that sexual assault is not, never was and never will be their fault. Thank you.
至少，我要让他们知道，性侵犯现在不是，从来不是，将来永远也不会是他们的错。谢谢。
