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It may sound strange to bring up work, but when we fall in love,
提及工作也许听起来很奇怪，但是当我们坠入爱河时，
we often consider what that love will do to our life, and our work and careers are a big part of that.
我们常会考虑到爱情将对生活产生怎样的影响，而工作和事业是其中的一大部分。
All working couples face hard choices, and these can feel like a zero-sum game.
所有双职工伴侣都会面临一些艰难的选择，有时像是无法令双方都满足的零和赛局。
One partner gets offered a job in another city, so the other needs to leave their job and start over.
其中一方在另一座城市找到一份工作，导致另一方得放弃工作，重新开始。
One partner takes on more childcare and puts their career on hold so the other can pursue an exciting promotion.
一方承担了更多的育儿责任并暂时搁置了事业，好让另一方在事业上冲刺。
One gains and one loses. And while some couples who make these choices are satisfied, others regret them bitterly. What makes the difference?
一得一失。有些伴侣对做出的选择感到满意，而有些则深感遗憾。什么造成了这种区别？
I've spent the last seven years studying working couples, and I've found that it's not what couples choose, it's how they choose.
我花了七年的时间研究双职工伴侣，我发现问题不在他们选择了什么，而是他们如何选择。
Of course, we can't control our circumstances, nor do we have limitless choices. But for those we do, how can couples choose well?
当然，我们无法掌控客观条件，也没有无限的选择。但是对于那些可以做的选择，伴侣们该如何明智地从中取舍呢？
First: start early, long before you have something to decide.
首先，提早开始；要在面临抉择之前早就规划好。
The moment you're faced with a hard choice, say, whether one of you should go back to school or take a risky job offer, it's too late.
当你们面临艰难抉择的那一刻，例如其中一方是否该重返校园，或是否该接受一份有风险的工作，这时候才规划就太晚了。
Choosing well begins with understanding each other's aspirations early on
明智的抉择得从及早了解彼此的目标开始；
aspirations like wanting to start a small business, live close to extended family, save enough money to buy a house of our own or have another child.
比如，想要创业，与家族成员住得近一些，存够钱来买自己的房子或是再添一个宝宝。
Many of us measure our lives by comparing what we're doing with our aspirations.
将自己的目标和实际发生的状况做比较是许多人衡量自己生活满意度的方式。
When the gap is small, we feel content. When it's large, we feel unhappy.
当差距小的时候，我们就会满足。而当差距大的时候，我们就会不快乐。
And if we're part of a couple, we place at least some of that blame with our partner.
而且，如果我们有伴侣的话，我们会把部分责任归咎于对方。
Set aside time at least twice a year to discuss your aspirations.
每年至少安排两次来讨论你们的目标。
I'm a big fan of keeping a written record of these conversations.
我非常喜欢把这些对话用笔记录下来。
Putting pen to paper with our partners helps us remember each other's aspirations and that we're writing the story of our lives together.
与伴侣一起动笔记录帮助我们记住彼此的目标，让我们一起写两人共同生活的故事。
Next: eliminate options that don't support the life you want to live together.
第二，消除无法让你们达成共同生活目标的选项。
You can do this agreeing on boundaries that make hard choices easier.
用双方同意的限度，让艰难的选择变得容易些。
Boundaries like geography: Where would you like to live and work?
比如在地理上，你想在哪里生活与工作？
Time: How many working hours a week will make family life possible?
在时间安排上，每周工作多少时间才能留给家庭足够的时间？
Travel: How much work travel can you really stand?
在出差方面，你实际上能承受多少？
Once you've agreed to your boundaries, the choice becomes easy when faced with an opportunity that falls outside of them.
一旦双方同意这些限度，当你面对的事情超出限度，选择就变得容易了。
"I'm not going to interview for that job, because we've agreed we don't want to move across country."
“我不会去面试那份工作，因为我们已经同意不搬到那么远的地方。”
Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime because we've agreed it's essential we spend more time together as a family."
或者，“我将减少加班时间，因为我们认同，拥有更多的家庭共聚的时光更重要。”
Couples who understand each other's aspirations and commit to strong boundaries can let go of seemingly attractive opportunities without regret.
那些理解彼此目标并坚守双方限度的伴侣，可以放弃看似诱人的机会而不后悔。
If you're faced with an opportunity that falls within your boundaries,
如果机会降临时刚好落在你们的限度之内，
then what matters is that the choices you make keep your couple in balance over time,
那么重要的是你们所做的选择能让双方保持平衡，
even if they don't perfectly align with both partners' aspirations at the same time.
即使在一时间无法同时满足双方的目标。
If your choices are mainly driven by one partner or support one partner's aspirations more than the other, an imbalance of power will develop.
如果你们的选择主要由某一方来推动，或者比较倾向支持某一方的目标，那就会出现权力的分配不均。
That imbalance, I've found, is the reason most working couples who fail do so.
我发现，这种不均衡是大多数双职工伴侣失败的原因。
Eventually, one gets fed up with being a prop rather than a partner.
最终，一方会厌倦一直被当作道具，而不是伴侣。
To avoid this, track your decisions over time.
为了避免这种情况，将你们做的决定都记录下来。
Unlike your aspirations and boundaries, there's no need to keep a detailed record of every decision you make.
目标和限度要有详细的纪录，但没有必要详细记录你们所做的每个决定。
Just keep an open conversation going about how able each of you feel to shape decisions that affect you both.
只需坚持开诚布公地讨论，在做出影响双方的决定时，你们觉得各自有多少影响力。
How will you know you've chosen well?
你怎么知道自己做了明智的选择呢？
One common misunderstanding is that you can only know what choice is right in hindsight.
一种普遍误解是，你只有在事后才能知道是否做了正确的选择。
And maybe it's true we judge life backwards, but we must live it forwards.
这也许是事实，我们都是回过头来检讨生活，但是生活必须向前看。
I've found that couples who look back on a choice as a good one did so not just because of the outcome eventually;
我发现，当伴侣回顾时觉得自己做对了决定，他们如此认为，不仅是由于其最终结果，
they did it because that choice empowered them individually and as a couple as they made it.
更因为在个人及伴侣层面上，他们在做那个决定时都感到自己的重要性。
It wasn't what they chose, it was that they were choosing deliberately, and that made them feel closer and freer together.
关键不是他们选择了什么，而是他们慎重地做了选择，这使他们在一起时，感到更加亲近和自由。
