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Maggie: Good morning everybody. It's the second Saturday of the month and you know what
that means.
Ben: You're gonna be cranky?
Maggie: No. It's chore day. Freeze!
Ben: Oh, come on.
Carol: But I always have to clean the bathrooms, it's not fair.
Maggie: Well this time, we're gonna do things a little differently. I've written down all the
chores on slips of papers so each of us can draw what he or she will do. Now pick one, Ben.
Ben: Organize my panty drawer.
Maggie: No, that's mine. That's mine.
Ben: No, no. Your rules.
Maggie: No, give me that.
Ben: Dust and vacuum and beat the...rugs.
Carol: Clean the bathroom. Mom, it's not fair.
Maggie: Oh, you're absolutely right, Carol. It's not fair.
Carol: So I can pick again?
Maggie: No.
Chrissy: My turn, my turn. Play with your Barbie dolls.
Carol: Wait a second. She can't read!
Chrissy: Oh, yeah.
Maggie: Here, let me see what that says. It says, paint the garage.
Chrissy: Paint the garage. Alright!
Maggie: No, no, no, no. This is for your father. Why don't you just pick up your toys and keep
an eye on Ben and Carol.
Chrissy: Come on you wussies! Let's get to work! It's not your time to play!
Maggie: Oh, Jason, you're just in time.
Jason: No, actually I'm late. Have you seen Mike?
Maggie: Pick one. Not the one on the left!
Jason: Pick up my toys. OK.
Maggie: No, no, no, no! Jason, stop that. It's chore day, it was your idea, remember?
Jason: Oh, is that today? Oh, I can't honey, I've got to go to the clinic.
Maggie: But Jason, you've been working every weekend lately.
Jason: Yeah, but today we're having a special workshop on families that don't communicate.
Mike: Hey, I'm glad you guys are finally cleaning this place up. It was really starting to look
like a dump. Look here, you've got some cereal on the floor.
Maggie: Don't get too comfy, Mike, you're gonna help your dad paint the garage today.
Mike: What, again? Mom, I just did that ten years ago.
Jason: He can't!
Mike: Yeah, yeah, I can't!
Maggie: Why not?
Jason: Because as a favour to me, he's volunteered to come down to the clinic today, Maggie.
Mike: Yeah Maggie, I'm going down to the... The where?
Jason: To where I've been going every Saturday for four months.
Mike: Oh, Dad, I don't want to get a hair cut.
Jason: No, the clinic, where I volunteer.
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go ahead, we'll do some shots and stuff.
Chrissy: Mom, are vacuum cleaners supposed to throw sparks?
Maggie: Ben, be careful with my Suckmaster!
Mike: Dad, come on, let's go to a movie before Mom gets back!
Jason: No, we're going to the clinic, Mike.
Mike: Ah, come on, Dad. I thought we just had a tender father-son moment here, where you
helping me get one past Mom.
Jason: Hey, you've know about this for a long time. You gotta write these things down.
Mike: What? Write it down! Wh...who am I, you?
Jason: OK, fine, fine. Don't do me this favour. You just stay around the house, lounging on a
relaxing Saturday, thinking of nobody but yourself.
Mike: Alright! Now you're talking. Dad.
Mike: Hey, this is not the kind of neighbourhood you wanna run out of gas in.
Jason: We're not out of gas, Mike, we're here.
Mike: We're where?
Jason: At the clinic.
Mike: Oh, man, if I had a free clinic, I certainly wouldn't put it in a crumby neighbourhood.
Jason: Oh, so you'd pick rich neighbourhood to put in a free clinic? Hey, hey, hey! Does this
car look like it needs a hood ornament?
TC: You talking to me?
Jason: I just payed four Bucks to have this thing waxed.
Mike: Oh man, I hope he's got first-aid.
TC: What's a white guy like you doing in a neighbourhood like this?
Jason: I'm a white guy!
TC: Most definitely.
Jason: Hey!
Mike: You know this guy!
Jason: You kidding. Everybody in a thirty block radius knows TC.
TC: Forty blocks. I had a busy week.
Jason: This is my son, Mike.
Mike: Oh...hi. How do you two know each other?
TC: Your pop's my crisis councilor.
Jason: Mmm. How's it going, anyway?
TC: Three weeks without... I'm doing OK.
Jason: Alright! Yeah! Well I'm gonna see you next Saturday.
TC: Yeah, well I wrote it down like you told me.
Jason: Yeah.
TC: Hey! The man just paid four Bucks to have it waxed.
Mike: So, what exactly goes on in here, Dad?
Jason: I've told you about this place, Mike. This is a free clinic where I volunteer along with a
lot of other doctors... Hello ...to help out in the community. You do listen to me, don't you?
Mike: Huh?
Patient: Does anybody here speak Spanish?
Mike: Err...no, but I've been to Spain.
Dr. Bates: Che Passa?
Doctor: Ah, Doctor Bates, I need your Spanish. Tell her it's a simple fracture...she should give
up skateboarding.
Jason: Mike, come on. My session's down here.
Mike: Hey Dad, you know they got real doctors here too.
Jason: Who do you think I am?
Mike: I don't know.
Jason: Come on. We're gonna miss our workshop.
Mike: Dad, what are we gonna do in there?
Jason: Well all of the clinic therapists are experimenting with some intra-family communication
techniques.
Mike: Oh...they're not gonna hook up some electrical to my head, are they?
Therapist: Oh, Jason, you're here! Good. Excuse me. Doctors, would you take your seats,
please. I see each of you has brought a practice partner, very well. I sincerely hope that
today's workshop will provide all of you with valuable exercises for counseling dysfunctional child-parent relationships. Thank you.
Mike: Hmm. That wasn't too boring. Come on, let's go get a burger.
Jason: Hey, come on! Sit down.
Boy: Mom always too busy, and you know...you know I really think that she drove away my
father.
Therapist: Very good, Hank. Doctor Miller, your turn. Remember, speak to Hank as his mother;
forget you're a therapist.
Dr. Miller: Alright. Now, my son never tries to see anyone's point of son but his own.
Jason: Pie chart.
Mike: Nice.
Boy: Now look, that's not how it is at home, at all!!
Dr. Miller: Hank, don't kid yourself! Alright you're grounded! I'm not just...(she starts
screaming at her son)
Therapist: Alright, you can stop now.
Dr. Miller: Thank you. Everyone, you've just seen classic example of a reactive response taking
over. Doctor Miller. Hank. You can go back to your seats now. Well now, who wants to go next?
Oh, we have a volunteer.
Mike: Oh, no. No, no, I was just yawning.
Jason: No, come on, hey, we'll go Mike.
Mike: Oh, err...no, no, really err...somebody else can go next, I'm really learning a lot here. I
think it will be a lot wackier if I went last.
Therapist: Well if it would make you more comfortable, I could assign your personality traits,
other than your own, and you could act those out.
Mike: Huh?
Jason: Yeah, when we're talking we'll be pretending to be other people.
Therapist: Exactly. So, for the next few minutes, Doctor Seaver, why don't you adopt the
persona of a father who's say...err...overly precise, thinks he's right about everything,
worships order for its own sake. You know the type?
Jason: I've some idea.
Mike: Some idea!
Therapist: And Mike, let's say you're a little immature for your age...err...kind of the
self-centered sort with an arrested adolescence and err...interested only in the frivolous.
Mike: Well being the professional actor that I am, I think I can stretch that far.
Jason: Professional actor! Ha! Ha!
Therapist: Alright, so I want you to get into these assigned personas and just...say what you
fee.
Mike: Dad, Dad what are you doing?
Jason: Hmm. I think Dr. likes to explain to a layman.
Therapist: What are you doing?
Jason: I'm getting ready. I'm ready.
Therapist: Mike, how do you feel?
Mike: Pretty embarrassed.
Jason: Come on, you've got to come up with some conflict. You can do that. He always does
that.
Mike: Errm...Dad, I'm just not used to this kind of relating, it's hard for me to understand.
Jason: Just, come on, give it a try.
Mike: OK. Dad, I'm just not like you, I just can't drink milk afar the expiration date just
because it smells OK.
Jason: OK, very funny. Thank you, very funny.
Mike: Dad, Dad, I...I can't carry around an extra pair of odor eaters just in case.
Jason: Now let's be serious, be serious.
Mike: Gosh, darn it, the heck anyway Dad! I just can't pay a guy for a haircut who's just as
good as a licensed barber just because he's a few Dollars cheaper.
Jason: Mike, cut it off.
Mike: No, no, Dad, this isn't Mike talking; this is this character I'm playing. I'd never talk to
you like that. Oh, yeah, this is some serious shrink exercises we're doing here.
Jason: I know what we're doing here Mike, I know.
Mike: Oh, gosh, I just wish I'd have some out of date milk here 'cause I'd toast to you right
now, Dad.
Jason: Now that's very nice. My son, you'll have to excuse him, he has these fantasies about
being an actor sometimes.
Mike: Dad, Dad, come on, I am an actor.
Jason: Yeah, and these are the little plays that go on in his head, you see.
Mike: Little plays!
Jason: Oh, I'm sorry am I not taking your calling seriously enough?
Mike: No Dad, you're not.
Jason: Much like you don't take my calling seriously.
Mike: Oh, so what it would make you happy if I went along with these little party games while
you guys nod and stroke your goatees!
Jason: Well I'd be just as happy as you would be if I didn't roll my eyes every time you used
the word "actor".
Mike: Oh...oh, so I get it, so you therapists, this is what you do every week! You come in you
beat up on each other's kids for fun. Nice.
Boy: Now, how come when I said that I got hit?
Jason: Dr. Frankovitz, everybody, excuse me; my son doesn't mean this.
Mike: Yes I do, Dad! And to tell you the truth, I think this whole thing is a crock!
Jason: A cro...
