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Maggie: No. I was very clear with the funeral director. I wanted tape tins at my father's funeral
service, not a live organist playing selections from Fiddler on the Roof. No I want a refund and
I want it now. Hold on. This better be important.
Ben: Yeah it is. Where do you keep your bras and slips?
Maggie: Ben whatever kind of stupid stunt you are up to, I'm not in the mood.
Ben: Ok, how about your panties? Mum, this isn't like those other times. Trust me.
Maggie: Out! Look the bottom line is either you get a check in the mail today, or I'll have my
attorney call you and ...excuse me, can you hold on? I've got someone on the other line. Hello.
Oh hi mum. Look, I've got someone on the other line. Can I...Oh mum, I know its hard going
through dad's things, but can't you just put it off for a little while? Well that's very sweet,
but...Jason has all the white belts he needs. Can you hang on for a minute mum? Look, either
you get your act together, or I'll sue your pants off. Mum, oh.
Chrissy: If you could only have one pair of shoes, which pair would they be?
Maggie: Chrissy, cant you see I'm on the phone?
Chrissy: Uh hu. So which pair?
Maggie: Later Chrissy.
Chrissy: I suggest the flats. You are a tall woman.
Maggie: Chrissy go into the other room and don't bother me with your nonsense.
Chrissy: Boots. Definitely boots.
Maggie: Look mum...
Carol: So Chrissy, what pair?
Chrissy: I don't know, she bit my head off.
Mike: Here, let me give it a shot. She could never resist her first born. Oh mother!
Jason: Alright, here we go. Here's some cash for food and emergencies. Our flight
information....
Carol: Shhhh! Dad, if you keep talking, she'll find out about the trip. Ow.
Mike: Fine. Go barefoot for all I care. Dad, why did you marry her?
Jason: Hey, a little bit of understanding towards your mother right now. It's only been two
weeks since your grandpa Ed died.
Chrissy: I'm sad about Grandpa Ed too, but I don't go around yelling at everybody.
Jason: Come on. Your mum's got some very confused and very sad feelings inside her right
now. You know? And I know it's hard, but we have to show a little patience. Some simple
kindness towards each other. Ok?
Ben: Dad, I packed everything else you said, but she's going without her underwear.
Jason: Good work son.
Maggie: I am trying to reach Mr. Henderson in claims. Yes I would like to leave another
message. Would you please tell him that for forty two years my father never missed a
payment on that life insurance policy, even if it meant that I had to go without tap shoes? No,
I am not a dancer. And that is the reason why. The point being that my mother is waiting for
that money and the next call you get is going to be from my mother's attorney and I'm going
to...He hung up on me.
Jason: No. I hung up on you.
Maggie: You! Why did I marry you?
Jason: Maggie, if Mr. Henderson wants to hear the end of that message then he can simple
refer to yesterdays call. Or the day before.
Maggie: This one was going to be really good.
Jason: You know something Maggie? I think that you just need a little bit of a break.
Stab at it. What do you think?
Maggie: I'm in an airport, on an airplane in coach section.
Jason: You couldn't be more wrong.
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: Conductor, we have a sleeper. Oh!
Maggie: Jason, can I please take off this ridiculous blindfold?
Jason: Alright, alright. Ok. Ta daaa!
Maggie: Wow. We are on an airplane.
Jason: Yes. A getaway trip. Maggie believe me sweetheart, you need it.
Maggie: Honey, that's wonderful, but I can't go away right now.
Jason: Yes you can. Of course.
Maggie: Ok, who's going to look after the kids?
Jason: Mike and Carol.
Maggie: But I've got to....
Jason: Maggie please! All that stuff is still going to be there when we get back
from....somewhere.
Maggie: But what about my dad's insurance? And what about...Where are we going?
Jason: No. No. I am not going to tell you unless you come along.
Air Stewardess: Good morning. And welcome aboard flight twelve sixty five with non stop
service to...
Jason: Wo, wo, wo! Oh oh oh. Excuse me, I'm taking my wife on a very special trip, so could
we just not mention where we are going?
Air Stewardess: Oh, but this was going to be my first time to say where we were going.
Jason: Well, but if it's ok with everybody else, would it be ok with you?
Air Stewardess: I guess.
Jason: Ah, excuse me. I was saying that this is a very special trip for my wife and I. She's the
very attractive blonde up there in the foul mood. Maggie. Maggie Seaver, stand up. Don't hide.
Come on Maggie. There she is. That's Maggie.
Everyone: (applause)
Jason: And uh, because this is a very special trip, it would really mean a lot to us and to our
marriage, if we could just not mention the destination. Would that be alright?
Man: Will the pilot know?
Jason: Yes he will.
Man: Oh, ok.
Jason: And uh, thank you all. I really appreciate that and it means a whole lot for our
marriage of twenty two years.
Everyone: Ahhh!
Man 2: Excuse me. I want you to know that my wife and me have been married for twenty
two years also.
Jason: Oh, that's nice.
Man 2: Want to swap?
Maggie: Sit down.
Mike: Alright, this week is going to be a snap. I mean with all the money dad left us for
emergencies, I'm only twenty dollars short of a new car stereo.
Carol: Mike, what you don't realise is that this is a golden opportunity. A chance to take over
from mum and dad and finally do the job right.
Mike: Oh Carol, your way sounds like work.
Carol: I'll make it easy for you. There are two of us and two of them. I say we divide and
conquer. I of course will get the mature one.
Mike: Ok. Ok fine. I'll take Ben. He's easier to handle anyway. He understands the value of a
dollar.
Carol: Oh, some parent you would make. You pay him to behave.
Mike: No. He pays me not to smack him around.
Carol: And for you Chrissy, I've planned a healthy regiment of diet, exercise and stimulating
play. Chrissy!
Mike: Look Ben. You don't want any problems, neither do I. Ok, here's the deal: You give me
twenty dollars, you stay out of trouble and I leave you alone.
Ben: Thanks. Happy you didn't ask for fifty.
Mike: Hey, hey, hey hey. It's a weekday. Ten in the morning. What does that tell you?
Ben: Any Griffiths is on?
Mike: No Ben. School. Come on! And for you information, any Griffith sis ten thirty.
Ben: Mike, you are missing the big picture here. Mum and dad got so busy, they didn't even
notice that I didn't go. Pretty cool, hu?
Mike: Nice try Bennie. Come on. Go to school.
Ben: Maybe this would change your mind.
Mike: Nope. Come on Ben. If mum and dad find out that I let you skip school, they'll kill me.
Ben: But...
Mike: No buts. Go to school.
Ben: Yeah yeah.
Chrissy: If Carol asks, you didn't see me.
Mike: Ok.
Carol: Which way did she go?
Mike: Oh, are we having a little problem with our daughter?
Carol: Oh like things are going so smoothly with Ben!
Mike: They are. It's a piece of cake carol. Come on. Bennie and I have an understanding. We
reason together. He respects me.
Carol: I see. So that's why he's driving off in your car?
Mike: Hey!
Air Hostess: Here's your MaiTai and your Macadamia nuts. Now which of the Low Ho Island
dinners would you like to order?
Jason: We're not hungry.
Maggie: Honey, it's not her fault. She's paid to give us lays. Besides, I don't have Don Ho of a
clue where we are going.
Mike: Yes officer. It's a convertible with license plate number.....Forget it. It just walked in.
Ben: It just happened.
Mike: Oh, it happened. You just happened to unlock my car door, start the car and drive out
the drive way!
Ben: Well I was just going to drive it back and forth in the driveway, but I got lost.
Mike: Oh oh. Tell me Mr., how do you get lost in a driveway.
Ben: Well I didn't have a map and once you get on that turnpike, you've got to keep going.
Mike: You, you, you got in the turnpike?
Ben: Yeah. Until the policeman stopped me.
Mike: The policeman!
Ben: Yeah, you got a ticket.
Mike: What!
Ben: Well he couldn't give it to me. I don't have a license. I borrowed yours.
Mike: That's it. You are grounded Mr. You hear me? Go to your room.
Ben: You think you can make me? Ok, I'll go. But only because I was going to anyway. Oooh,
I'm grounded.
Chrissy: Mike, I need help. Carol's insane.
Mike: Yeah well no one can help.
Chrissy: Mike, she's teaching me Latin and I'm not too good with English yet.
Carol: Chrissy, Quo Vardis. Now now Chrissy. You know that free play isn't till three fifteen.
Mike: Come on Carol. Give the kid a break.
Carol: Chrissy, please translate the following: Omnis gallea est divisea impart est tres
omnibus..
