Mike: Yes!
Jason: A crock!
Mike: Yes! I think it's a crock, Dad! I mean, is how's your getting on my case gonna help these
people at all?
Jason: Well I hardly think that a seminar on "the family conflict" is the right place for you and
I to have a fight.
Therapist: Just to be clear, this is not a seminar on conflict, it's a seminar on communication!
Jason: Oh, shut up! Oh, I'm...sorry, I'm sorry, I'm upset that my son's got me...
Mike: Oh, fine; you yell at me and I get blamed for it! Great! I'm just glad I wasn't around for
world war two, I would have been blamed for the Alamo!
Jason: So, I...I apologise for my son's irrational display.
Therapist: Don't be so modest; yours was pretty good too.

Chrissy: Carol! Carol! Carol!
Carol: What?
Chrissy: Mom wants to know if you're really cleaning the bathrooms, or just goldbricking.
Carol: Yes I am. It took me two hours to discover we have tile in there.
Ben: I'll be thinking about you.
Carol: It's not fair. I mean, where is it written that I have to scrub toilets and Mike has to go
out and have fun with Dad?
Jason: Mike! What are you doing out here? Get off that car!
Mike: Oh, fine, yell at me, but when that other kid sat on the car, you didn't yell at him!
Jason: I did too.
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah... you laughed, you bumped fists and you looked silly.
Jason: Well it took me a month to get that fist bumping thing down anyway. What was the
point of that in there, Mike? I mean do you really have such contempt for my work? And so
little respect for my calling and for me? Well...
Mike: Look Dad, it would be better if we didn't talk, alright?
Therapist: Break's over! It's time to come in and communicate.

Therapist: Alright, let's have the Seavers start right in where we left off.
Mike and Jason: No!
Dr. Millard: You want real problems, talk to my ex-husband's son.
Therapist: We're going to continue with the Seavers because in the confines of this workshop,
we should stick to those situations that offer some semblance of hope.
Mike: Look, the only reason I came back in here, was because I thought I didn't have to talk
anymore.
Therapist: Now, I've got an idea that can turn this tension into, what I'd like to call, a
lubricant.

Mike: Oh, why don't you just hook up something electrical to my head?!
Therapist: We're gonna try some role reversal. Now, I want you to be the father, and I want
you to be the son.
Jason: I know what role reversal is. Thank you, I am a psychiatrist. Does everybody here
understand that?
Therapist: I know, Doctor Seaver. You're the father. You're the son. Go for it!
Jason: Well, I'm glad to see you're finally cleaning up around the house. Look, there's some
cereal on the floor.
Mike: Dad, that was an accident.
Jason: I'm not Dad, I'm Mike.
Mike: Alright. Well, you know, son, you promised me you'd go down to the old clinic with me,
you know you should write these things down.
Jason: What, and be like dumb old you?
Mike: Boy, I've had enough of this attitude. You know the least you could do, is to go back in
there and cooperate and stop embarrassing me in front of my colleagues.
Jason: Alright, enough. I never should have brought you down here, Mike. I should have
known that you wouldn't take this any more seriously than you take the rest of your life.
Mike: Oh, no, no, no. You can't leave, you'll ruin my pie chart.

Jason: ...a word out of you until we get home; and even then, I don't wanna hear another
word. Car keys...
Mike: In your pant's pocket.
Jason: I said, not another word. Why didn't you just spit on me in there, Mike? Huh? Huh? Oh,
you're not gonna say anything!
Mike: You said, not another word.
Jason: So, now you behave in private. In there, in front of my colleagues, it's like you're
Hitler's son. I'm a trained professional, I know how to handle volatile situations in a calm,
rational, compassionate manner. How the hell can you do this to me, Mike!
Mike: Dad, you didn't make me feel so hot in there. I mean, calling all of my plays, little! You
making fun of my dream to become an actor!
Jason: Oh, is that what you think; I'm making fun of your dream?
Mike: Yes, you are!
Jason: I don't know how you cannot understand me better than that, Mike. I don't know how
we can be so different.
Floyd: Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here.
Jason: Lloyd!
Lloyd: Hi ya, Doc.
Jason: What are you doing here, Lloyd?
Lloyd: We got a session, don't we?

Jason: That's next Saturday, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Oh, so I'm early; good.
Jason: Oh, come on, there's a real comfortable sofa just down the hall in the doctor's lounge,
OK?
Lloyd: Oh, much obliged.
Jason: I thought you weren't drinking anymore.
Lloyd: I'm not!
Jason: What's that in your hand?
Lloyd: It's an empty. I have a certain reputation to uphold.
Mike: Hey, Dad, what would you do if you saw me curled up inside this desk?
Jason: I'd be thrilled to see you that close to a place where work happens.
Mike: Oh, see! See! See, that's exactly what's wrong with you. You even treat your patients
better than you treat me.
Jason: Oh, what?
Mike: It's true. I mean, like this guy, Lloyd, and the kid outside. I mean, whatever they do, it's
fine. But heck, I mean, if I...if I come in and I steal a couple of cheese puffs,
you're...you're...you're...you count 'em up and you add 'em onto my rent!
Jason: I did that once, Mike. And the only reason I did that was to teach you something for
the rest of your life!
Mike: How can you help me with the rest of my life, Dad, when we are so completely different?
We're totally different! I mean, you say yes, I say no. You say paper, I say plastic.
Jason: I like plastic, Mike! I just don't think it's environmentally responsible.
Mike: Dad, you're just trying to turn me into another little you.
Jason: Oh, I am not.
Mike: Yes, admit it! Admit it! It's your secret sick little plan.
Jason: It is not.
Mike: Yes it is. OK. OK. Then whose idea was it for me to start putting my clothes away in
alphabetical order? Huh?
Jason: Well then, let me tell you this, Mike; have you ever seen me repeat clothing two days
in a row?
Mike: Yeah, it took me weeks to figure out where I had to put my BVD'S.
Jason: That's why it's called underwear, Mike. It's underwear! It's under U! Underwear!
Mike: Face it, face it Dad! Let's just face it; you have to be perfect. I mean everything you do!
I mean even the way you act, the way you dress, I mean, even your hair! Everything!
Jason: No, I don't Mike, I don't have to be perfect. See, see, look!
Mike: Dad, you can't last ten seconds without reaching for your comb.
Jason: I don't see what sitting here with messy hair has to do with anything we're trying to
prove here, Mike.
Mike: Ha! I knew it, I knew it!

Jason: You know what, a little discipline like this just might change your whole outlook on this,
Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know, Dad, and it frightens me!
Jason: Well, there's just nothing wrong with being a little practical, Mike. I mean, then at least
you have something to fall back on. (Mike finishes the sentence with Jason.) Mike, I never said
you had to give up acting all together. I just said, I want you to be realistic.
Mike: But if you have something to fall back on, you might as well fall back. I mean, what's
the use? It's like getting ready to give up.
Jason: No, it's not giving up, Mike, it's just sound advice.
Mike: Well, how do you know, Dad? You never felt what I feel.
Jason: You're wrong Mike. I do. I know because there was a time, a long time ago when I
made a mistake, and my dad straightened me out.
Mike: Oh, was that when you were gonna grow those little sideburns out to look like Elvis?
Jason: Well, I grew them for a reason Mike. I grew them because I too had a crazy fantasy. I
thought I was gonna become a rock star one day, and I thank God, my dad helped straighten
me out.
Mike: Yeah, well how could Grandpa be so sure that one day you wouldn't become a famous
rock star like...err...
Jason: Neil Diamond.
Mike: Who?
Jason: "Why am I sad?"..."Kentucky Woman." (singing) Kentucky woman, she get to know you.
Yeah! Why am I sad? Bom Bom, Bom Bom, to no one there. Bom Bom, Bom Bom. Not even a
chair.
Mike: Oh, yeah, Neil Diamond.
Jason: Neil Diamond.
Lloyd: Now do, "Crackin' Rosie"!
Jason: Crackin.... Oh, Lloyd, get out! Go on! For your information Mike, the state of Delaware
did not agree with Grandpa; me and my band won the talent contest at the Delaware state fair
one year.
Mike: Oh wow...I bet you liked waving that in Grandpa's face.
Jason: Yeah. No, I didn't wave anything in my dad's face, Mike; unlike me, he was not a
reasonable man. No, he just gave me a choice, he said, you got a choice, you got medical
school or you can follow this foolishness with your band.
Mike: And you chose medical school.
Jason: No. No, I chose foolishness. We had a chance to audition for American Bandstand, with
Dick Clarke, because he was famous for discovering new bands.
Mike: Who?
Jason: Dick Clarke. "Foul-ups, Bloopers and Blunders."
Mike: Wow, you met him!

Jason: He was a lot older then. So, with my dad saying, don't you come back, the whole band
drove to Philadelphia. We drove all night, stayed in the most expensive hotel in town...that's
how sure we were.
Mike: Yeah, and what happened?
Jason: Well, let's just say, we ended up skipping out of the bill. I had no choice but to go back
and tell my dad what happened and you know what he said?
Mike: What?
Jason: I told you so.
Mike: What? That was the best he could do.
Jason: Well, you don't understand. I mean, what he was really saying...he could have made a
big tragedy out of it. But he knew at the time that the best thing for me was to have my heart
broken.
Mike: Oh, no but, Dad, you're nuts! He could have at least said something like, sorry it didn't
work out son, or hey you gave it your best shot, or I love you, or something.
Jason: Yeah, or he could have put his hand on my shoulder.
Mike: Yeah, or he could have said tha...tha...that you...you're band could play at weekends.
Jason: Could have said, hey, you know, Dick Clarke you're a jerk!
Mike: Yeah! That's my point. I mean, what made him...
Jason: What made him think that what I wanted didn't matter!
Mike: Yeah! Exactly.
Jason: Yeah.
Mike: Maybe you were like me.
Jason: I was.
Mike and Jason: I don't believe this.
Mike: Wait a minute...this means that someday I may turn into you. Dad, does it happen all at
once?
Jason: Hey, Mike, I'm sorry that I put you down about that acting nonsense.
Mike: Nonsense!
Jason: I mean, thing...the acting thing.
Mike: Thing!
Jason: I mean...your dream. I've learned a lot today.
Mike: Yeah, me to. I mean, I better go and screw around while I got a chance, I mean...the
end is coming.
Jason: You know, it's not all bad to be just a little bit practical and responsible too.
Mike: Dad, when the change comes, does it hurt? I'm sorry Dad, it's just that the whole thing
is a bit of a shock to me.
Jason: How do you think I feel? I found out that the person that frustrates me most in the
entire world is just like me.
Mike: Oh, yeah, so kind of sorry you came to this workshop thing too?

Jason: No.
Mike: I don't get you, Dad. Wait a minute, I do understand. Oh, no, it's happening, it's happening