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Luke: Ok, now hold this down and be careful, it those to wires touch you can get a nasty shock.
Mike: Ben.
Ben: Yow.
Mike: Hold this down for me.
Ben: Sure, aww.
Luke: Got it yeah.
Mike: Alright, alright, look at that this one cable, three sets different channels, look you are a genius.
Ben: Is it just me or does this room taste like thin foil?
Maggie: Oh I am so excited I finally get to get away with your father, two glorious days of dancing and gazing at the stars.
Luke: I thought you were reviewing this old folks resort for your consumer column?
Mike: Yeah and why are you dragging dad along mom?
Maggie: It is not an old folks resort and I know your father is just excited as I am.
Jason: Somebody just cover me with dirt and put me out of my misery.
Maggie: Jason, let's just finish getting you packed and we'll talk about it on the way to The Cascos.
Jason: Ah this isn't the weekend for that old folks resort is it?
Maggie: Jason, it is not an old folks resort they cater to the over forty class.
Mike: Well make up your mind mom?
Maggie: Jason, they said if we get there early enough they will give us one of their honey moon suites.
Jason: They have honeymoon suites at the old folks place? Will they give you a complimentary magnum of jherritoe? Honey I'm sorry it's just that I'm so tired I can hardly to…walk this road.
Maggie: I help you pack.
Jason: I'm going to watching TV.
Mike: Dad, dad, listen this. Carol's going to school right? Chrissy is going to the Henderson's for the weekend and Luke, Ben and I are going to live on this couch for two days of non-stop sports, Chrissy's food and all around knuckle head guy stuff.
Jason: Knuckle head guy stuff?
Mike: Dad, you two guys can't stay with us, I mean nothing can ruin this perfect weekend.
Carol: Hello.
Mike: Aw, Carol, what are you doing here?
Carol: France had fire to her dorm room with her butane curling iron.
Ben: Alright I got chips, slim jims, pork ranch and spray cheese, aw what are you doing here?
Maggie: Ok Jason I left your suitcase open upstairs just throw on your dancing shoes and let's go.
Jason: Honey, just hypothetically speaking what do you think will happen if I said I don't really want to go with you this weekend?
Maggie: Well hypothetically speaking, we could fit a bed in the basement.
Jason: Good thing that was a hypothetical question.
Maggie: Jason are you going because you want to or because you're just being nice to me.
Jason: Honey come on we've been married for twenty three years we don't have to be nice to each other.
Maggie: Jason why don't you just stay home.
Jason: Alright I mean alright
Mike: Ah dad you don't want mom to make that long trip all by her self do you?
Jason: Don't help me here Mike.
Mike: No,but she could take Carol.
Carol: What?
Ben: Please, please, please, please, please.
Maggie: Oh come on Carol what do you say, you want to keep your old mom company?
Carol: Well gee mom, I really have a lot of homework.
Mike: Well then sure Carol stay with us, we'll stuff our faces together we'll watch three TV's and do our version of the wave.
Carol: Eww.
Carol: I thought you said that everyone here was gonna be old. These people are all .
Maggie: Firm, what's going on here?
Carol: Twenty something meet and greet weekend.
Maggie: Aw that's why everyone here is so young and healthy.
Carol: With pecs you could park a Toyota on.
A man: You know I usually respond to the come hit the vibes a younger babes but in your case I have made an exception and hit the... I came.
Maggie: Shouldn't you be digesting a small rodent?
A man: You see Babes, I've got it and I would like to share it with you.
Maggie: How would you like to walk away before I slam it in a window?
A man: You're kinky, you're a naughty girl.
Maggie: Five, four.
A man: Ok, ok but I'm the only one here who is almost your age, see me now or see me later.
Maggie: Great I've just been insulted by a walking oil sleek.
Carol: Thanks mom, mom I wish I knew you were dragging me to a meat market.
Maggie: I'm sorry sweetheart, I hope this doesn't disturb your studying.
Carol: Forget studying, I left all my spandex at home.
Everyone shouting!!!
Mike: Yeah
Jason: Doesn't get any better than this, boys?
Mike: Here's to good friends today is kind of special.
Jason: You gotta go for the gusto and bring out your best.
Luke: If you spit in the air it's gonna land in your face
Jason: Words to live by Luke.
Ben: Smooth move you ditching mom, dad.
Jason: Honey, listen just a second you know that I love your mother very much and I cherish the time we send together and I think we can all agree that this place is a little empty without her.
Mike: So, what time are the Jamaican bob star trials?
Luke: Let's go to the big board.
Ben: Alright, Ok, they're in a half hour then we have to choose between the bikini wikini contest and Fly casting withdrawal , wait a minute, how did that get on there.
Mike: Yes my boys this is the life.
Ben: I ordered five more pizzas.
Mike and Luke: Excellent.
Nurse Rogers: Hello, Dr. Sever I'm nurse Rogers from Greenway Elementary.
Jason: I know, sweetheart what are you doing home? You're supposed to be at the Henderson's how is my little baby?
Nurse Rogers: She's got lice.
Jason: Okay, Lice?
Nurse Rogers: Pediculus Humanus Capitis, Dr. Sever otherwise known as good old fashion head lice.
Jason: No no that can't be, that's impossible, we keep an immaculate house around here, most of the times.
Nurse Rogers: She got it from another child in her class, it happens in the finest schools, I assure you there is absolutely no shame involved in this.
Jason: Shame? No, no certainly not at all we have to learn to.
Man: Hi there.
Jason: Get out.
Nurse Rogers: Now this does not have to be a serious problem if you'll just follow these simple instructions.
Jason: Yes alright.
Nurse Roberts: Have a nice weekend.
Chrissy: Daddy, Am I gonna be alright?
Jason: Yes come on, I'm gonna take good care of you.
Mike: Well, we have to wash her hair with a special lice shampoo and pick off every single lice off every single strand of hair, vacuum the furniture, scrub the floors, strip the bed, wash the sheets, stick her stuffed animals in plastic bags.
Jason: Wow wow wow wow Mike, start it over, what do we do first?
Ben: Kiss our weekend good bye.
Maggie: Waiter, can you tell us if there is anything special going on this weekend?
Waiter: Well I heard some stock brokers are gonna drink as much beer as they can and then burp the eighteen twelve overture.
Carol: We were thinking more along the line s of organized activities.
Waiter: Oh, well there's the big dance tomorrow night.
Maggie: Ah, well it's just as well your father is not here, there was a time he used to do the hussles until his bell bottoms rang. They called him Saturday night Sever. Now the only time he picks up his feet is when I bark him. Oh, there's a young man over there that's looking at you.
Carol: I hate it when guys do this, so come on mom, which one, which one?
Maggie: The one in the blue turtle neck and he's definitely interested.
Carol: Okay mom, let's say he's actually interested, he takes me out and I have the time of my life in two weeks I'll be sitting by the phone power eating nachos seasoned only by the salt of my tears.
Guy1: Hi I'm Brad and…
Carol: Buzz off scuzz bucket.
Maggie: Oh no she's joking.
Brad: Are you sisters?
Dwight: I guess you're the older one, not older more beautiful, not that you're not beautiful but she is blond if it's real, I think it's real. If you'll excuse me I think I'll go back to my room and re-spool my floss.
Brad: he doesn't get out much, look maybe this is a bad time, well ah I'll catch you later?
Carol: Maybe maybe not we'll see, I want him.
Machine: You are falling behind, come on slow poke.
Maggie: Oh, come on Carol let's try something else, it's no fun to work on a machine that can only insult you.
Machine: Excellent pace, you are amazing.
Man: Hey puff cakes, you look a little winded, how'd you like some mouth to mouth?
Maggie: If you don't leave me alone, I'll have you arrested.
Man: Woo, cuff me frisk me and make me squeal, I'm thinking I got about ten seconds before I fell that, so I'm gonna leave secure in the knowledge you dig me.
Carol: So mom, you want to try the rolling machine?
Maggie: I'll try anything that doesn't talk.
Carol: I've never realized how fun it was to build up a good clean sweat, Aw oh my gosh it's Brad I'm reek, I'm disgusting, maybe if I ignore him, he won't notice me.
Brad: Carol, right, remember me, the scuzz bucket?
Carol: Aw I'm sorry, it's just that well I had you confused with every other guy I've ever met
Brad: Spot me on some lap things.
Carol: I'll love to.
Dwight: Hi my name is Dwight.
Maggie: I'm Maggie.
Dwight: Just wanted to apologize for yesterday I get kind of tongue tied around women.
Maggie: Aw.
Dwight: You see young women, I mean not that you're old, I mean you're pretty old, what I mean is you're pretty and old...
