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4. Agree On How To Argue
Sometime when you’re not even a little angry with each other, sit down and talk about how you fight. Then lay down some rules you both agree to follow during future arguments.
Mary, a 74 year-old mother of four and widow of two shared three of her rules:
Nobody leaves during an argument without saying where they’re going.
Arguments that last longer than 3 days are obviously stupid and will not be allowed to continue.
An argument will never mean that the relationship itself is in question.
Mary’s final rule resonated with me because that’s something I work very hard to do in my own relationships. One of the most difficult but smartest things to say during an argument is, “I love you but I’m so pissed at you about/for/because [insert argument here].” Keeping the argument separate from the relationship status is key to getting things back on track. You could call it a shortcut through very dark woods.
4. 商定如何争吵
有时候当你对对方很生气时，坐下然后谈论怎么争论。然后列出一些你们都同意的规则供将来吵架时遵守。
Mary，一位拥有4个孩子的妈妈，两次丧偶。她分享给大家三条规则：
· 吵架时，在不说清楚到底该怎么办之前，没人会离开。
· 吵架吵过三天是明显的愚蠢，这是不能被准许继续吵的。
· 一次吵架永远不代表这段关系它本身有问题。
Mary的最后一条规则和我产生共鸣，因为这是我在自己的爱情关系中所努力去做的。争吵中一个最难也是最聪明的做法是说：“我爱你，但是我对你很生气关于/因为/......(争论内容)”。让争吵与爱情关系相分离的状态是使一切回到正轨的关键。你可以称它为走出迷路森林的捷径。
