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Mike: Oh, this is a nightmare. It all started when I sold my parents a trip to Europe and I got
one for free. That's when my troubles began. And that's when I met Amy.
Amy: Do you realize that according to the itinerary, we're missing the grave of Van Gogh?
Mike: Guzenteit.
Mike: Can you believe she actually came all the way to Europe just to see a bunch of graves
and museums?
Amy: Why did you come to Europe?
Mike: Well I figure a place with sixty eight million women who couldn't understand a word I
said, couldn't be all bad.
Mike: And then when the tour went bust, she didn't take it too well.
Amy: We are stranded in Europe. We have a pair of tickets that work only in Paris in six days,
a city five hundred miles away.
Mike: So we started walking. I mean I thought we had some laughs along the way. She
seemed to be loosening up a little bit, but I guess I was wrong because she deserted me. Amy!
Amy! So here I am, broke and alone in Spain. I just hope mum and dad are doing better than
I am.
Maggie: This is a nightmare. No sooner did Jason and I get to Paris, then...urgh!!!
Jason: It's appendicitis but we are taking you to the hospital. Everything's going to be fine.
Maggie: And all I've seen of this gorgeous city is…
Jason: Voila.
Maggie: And the worst part is, we can't have our anniversary dinner at Henri's. I'm just glad
my folks are taking care of the kids back home.
Carol: Ahhhh! (Grandma's frozen my face in beauty mud, while Mike's living it up in Spain.
Mike: Amy stop moving. Amy.
Jason: This is long distance so I'll make it quick, alright. We are in the hospital, appendicitis.
Hers. Feeling fine. Return flight the same.
Ben: hey, this is great. You sound like you are calling from down the street. Can we try that
thing where you drop the pin down by the receiver and I see if I can hear it? Hello.
Jason: Fourteen dollars a minute and he's playing games.
Maggie: Jason, is Chrissy sleeping alright?
Jason: yes, yes. Why shouldn't she be? She doesn't have to sleep in that chair.
Carol: So, what was so important he couldn't tell me/
Ben: Oh nothing, just that mum's in the hospital with appendicitis.
Carol: What?
Chrissy: Ben. Ben, it's your play and grandma's trying to shoot the moon.
Ben: Then I'm not going in there.
Maggie: so at this point I don't know what is worse. Having appendicitis or Jason trying to
keep me entertained.
Jason: Shoe me that smile. Again. Don't waste another minute...
Mike: Now lets say, today I covered twenty seven kilometers, which is either four miles or
forty miles. No man, I'm never going to make it to Paris in three days at this rate. I just hope
Amy is having as much trouble as I am. Heck I hope she's having more.
Maggie: Are you sure you want to stay here?
Jason: Honey, what does my lower back pain matter, as long as I'm cheering you up.
Maggie: Jason, why don't you get a room?
Jason: What? Honey, you're here and you're feeling miserable. I'm going to stay right here
and feel miserable too.
Maggie: Honey, there's no reason that we should both Miss Paris.
Jason: Who's missing Paris? We're not missing Paris. Honey you had a croissant for dinner.
These nurses have all been very very rude to us. There's nothing more French than that. If
you just close you eyes, you can almost hear the sound of a concertina echoing across the
Seine.
Maggie: All I can hear is my drip bag.
Jason: That's your problem, you can't visualize.
Maggie: Jason, like I said, get a room.
Jason: Honey, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go down to the gift shop
tomorrow morning and I'm going to buy postcards of every scenic place in this town. And then
we are going to pretend we are there.
Maggie: Sort of like last years anniversary?
Maggie: Thank you, thank you for showing me why helmet laws are a good idea.
Amy: Let me go, let me go!
Mike: Amy.
Amy: Let me go.
Mike: (hang on a minute. what I am saying? I can't stand her)
Amy: I shouldn't be treated like this.
Mike: Don't worry Amy. I am here.
Amy: You. Stay away.
Mike: Whatever she did officerio, she didn't mean it. Nada io.
Amy: I do not know this Canadian.
Mike: Scenore, senore. This woman is my espouso. Come home to the kids honey.
Amy: You just told them I'm your husband.
Mike: That's it. Play crazy.
Amy: I'm not...
Policemen: (in Spanish) Have you ever seen such a fight? They must be married.
Mike: Oh wo. I just kept you out of jail.
Amy: You jerk.
Mike: You're welcome.
Amy: I wanted to be arrested. At least it would have been a hot shower and a bed for the
night.
Mike: What are you crazy? You think they're going to take you to the Ritz for the night? You
would have been lucky with a dirt floor and a piece of dry bread.
Amy: Oh yeah. And how does a guy who knows nothing about anything suddenly become an
expert on Spanish jails?
Mike: Well, I slept in one last night.
Amy: You got arrested?
Mike: Yeah. But unlike you, I did not want to be arrested. They accused me of stealing a
chicken. You think that's funny?
Amy: I think that's great.
Mike: well fine. I won't give you any of the chicken.
Amy: I don't know which of us is more pathetic.
Mike: well at least I can get arrested. Even when I don't want to.
Amy: I'll give you that one.
Mike: Why are you so wet?
Amy: I was in the fountain.
Mike: What were you doing in there?
Amy: I wanted to get arrested. And at the very least I thought I could cool off and get clean. I
don't cope too well without proper hygiene. Let's travel together.
Mike: Hey look, we couldn't do any worse.
Amy: I'm not so sure about that.
Mike: We don't have time to try.
Amy: Ok, but just until...
Mike: Until Paris. Ok. But anymore strong language like jerk, and I'm out of here.
Amy: I'll try to control myself.
Mike: Thank you.
Amy: let's go. Mike, what are you looking at? That money is for the needy.
Mike: Uh hu.
Amy: Mike!
Mike: Look, either we get some money for a place to stay, or are we get arrested and we get a
place to stay. Plus, you can take care of that hygiene problem. We can't lose. Come on.
Amy: Ah!
Jason: Alright, where were we in our Paris by post card tour? Or do you want to play some
more mad lips, or what?
Maggie: Jason, I say this with love and affection. Get out of here. See something. Do
something.
Jason: No, no. Not without you.
Maggie: If you don't go soon, I'm going to rip my stitches out. You're making my recovery
miserable.
Jason: I'm just trying to cheer you up. Look at this room, it's enough to depress anybody.
Maggie: Jason, go. Walk along the Seine. See the Mona Lisa, you might even find Henri's. I
mean it.
Jason: Ok. Alright.
Maggie: Good.
Jason: I'll go, I'll go. And I won't enjoy it.
Mike: So what are you thinking about?
Amy: Underwear.
Mike: Pardon me?
Amy: I mean our clothes are cleaner, but it would be nice to have a fresh pair of...never mind.
Mike: You're insane, aren't you?
Amy: What? Because I care about cleanliness, because I worry about getting to Paris?
Because I don't think it's funny thumbing for rides and crashing people's weddings, and
jumping into stupid fountains.
Mike: Com eon. Don't start yelling and hopping all up and down.
Amy: Mike. You came to Europe expecting nothing, and so you're missing nothing. But I came
with fifty eight places on my itinerary and I'm not going to get to see one.
Mike: Oh, well for your information I had lots planned here in Europe.
Amy: Like what? Hanging out on every topless beach?
Mike: Absolutely not. And have you heard me complain once that I missed that?
Amy: Oh yeah. Checking out all the sleazy discos in Spain.
Mike: Oh right, so what did you have planned that was so meaningful and important.
Amy: The Gaudi cathedral, Histilian architecture, the chapel where my grandparents were
married in Corbay, The Rover Seine, The Louvre..
Mike: Oh yeah. Big talk.
Amy: Big talk!
Mike: Hey look, if I'm the one who's supposed to be so shallow and stupid, how come I can sit
here and just appreciate just being on this mountain? Under a beautiful sky and having a
great picnic with a girl. And I'm not concerned about my underwear at all. Let me tell you I
could certainly use a fresh pair. Alright fine. Maybe it's better we just don't talk.
Amy: This is a beautiful place Mike.
Mike: Yeah.
Amy: Look Mike, the first star. Make a wish.
Mike: Oh, are wishes on your itinerary?
