Jason: I know. I know. I told him that. He said it didn't matter. He said, as far as he's concerned, I'm an honest man.
Urma: Then he was lying through his teeth.
Jason: Actually, Jerry Vale's teeth. Hey, Wally's really upset.
Urma: Are you sure?
Jason: Hey, there was a whole plate of lasagne there, he couldn't eat a bite.
Urma: Lasagne's his favourite food. I won't cook it for him...ever.
Jason: Look, he said that he thought I was his last chance to...work things out, or you two
would lose everything.
Urma: Oh dear. This is more serious than I thought. Oh, what have I done?
Maggie: E...excuse me, Urma. Jason, what have you done?
Jason: Nothing. I even told Wally, that the idea for the papers and the condo that was mine,
not Mom's.
Maggie: Well something tells me that you were'nt that objective.
Jason: Maggie. Nothing went on in that apartment that I'm ashamed of, alright? Except maybe
that poof thing.
Maggie: What poof thing?
Jason: Don't even get me started on that.
Urma: (On the phone) Hi Wally, it's me. Listen, I was thinking that... What? Oh, yes.
Err...goodbye. Says he can't talk to me, he's so upset.
Maggie: Oh Urma, you two obviously love each other, or you wouldn't be putting each other
throught this hell.
Urma: We can't even talk to each other any more.
Jason: Maybe what you need is just a little time to let things cool off, Mom.
Urma: What I need is your help. If Wally can rely on someone he detests, so can I.
Jason: Pardon me?
Maggie: U...U...Urma, I think that maybe what you and Wally need to do is...is see a
professional.
Urma: I don't want a professional. I want my son.
Jason: Hey, hey, look, I don't want to get in the middle of this, Mom.
Urma: Well you should of thought of that before you volunteered to go pick up my suitcases.
Maggie: Jason, I love you. And please don't take this personally, but you're a lying sack, you
know that?
Jason: Honey, you didn't hear what I just said. I don't wanna get caught in the middle of this
thing!
Maggie: Jason, you can't tell me that you weren't thrilled your mother handed you a gun
loaded with bullet with Wally's name on it.
Jason: I'm a little hurt, Maggie, that my mother sees me more clearly right now, than you
do.

Maggie: Oh, and how's that.
Jason: Well, she's fully prepared to rely on her honest and fair and objective son.
Maggie: Oh! I thought you were an only child.
Urma: Wall should be here by now. Are you sure you told him seven o' clock?
Wally: Will somebody open this darn door.
Urma: Let him wait a minute.
Maggie: Are either of you gonna open the door?
Jason: Forty seconds to go.
Maggie: Wally, it's good to see you.
Wally: Hi Urma.
Urma: Hi Wally. Oh, you look different.
Wally: Yes, it's the teeth.
Maggie: Oh, would you like to sit?
Wally: Sit! Well I thought we were supposed to lie down and do things.
Jason: Ha! No no, it doesn't work quite like that, Wally. What happens is, I talk to each of you
individually and then we all talk together.
Wally: You first.
Urma: No, you first.
Wally: No, after you.
Urma: Oh, you should go first; you have a serious problem.
Wally: You should go first because you are the serious problem.
Jason: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. I'll decide. Wally, you're going first.
Wally: Well, it figures you'd side with your mother.
Jason: I'm not taking sides, Wally. OK, you go first.
Wally: Oh, no, you said me first, I'm going first.
Jason: Fine, Fine, Wally. Step into my office.
Jason: Oh, oh no. I'm not going into some office and laying on a couch where some crazy
people have been. Wally, you think mental illness is a virus?
Wally: Well, from where I'm standing it looks pretty much hereditory.
Maggie: Err, look, I've got an idea. Why don't you and Wally talk here and Urma and I can go
in the kitchen.
Wally: Good.
Jason: Wally.
Wally: Which end do I put my head on?
Jason: Doesn't matter.
Wally: I figured as much.
Jason: You don't have to lie down, Wally.
Wally: Well can I have a beer?

Jason: Wally, come on, let's just concentrate on why you're here. I'd like you to talk about
your marriage to my Mom, and what you think are the problems.
Wally: It blows!
Jason: Can you be a little more specific?
Wally: It blows chunks! Sometimes I think she's trying to turn me into the person she thought
I was when we were married, but I wasn't, 'cause we were courting. All day long...
Jason: (in his head) Look at him sitting there pouring his guts out to me...like I care. Wait I do
care, I'm a professional. The weight of their marriage is in my hands, I shouldn't be thinking
these things. I should be listening to his every word.
Wally: And why should I rely on Jerry Vale to bring me my lasagne?
Jason: (in his head) And I stopped thinking to hear that!

Jason: Oh, you don't have to lay down, Mom.
Urma: Did Wally lay down?
Jason: No, he sat.
Urma: Then I'll lay down.
Jason: Mom.
Urma: What?
Jason: You're supposed to talk.
Urma: Oh, I thought you were supposed to talk.
Jason: No, no. The way this works is, you talk, I listen.
Urma: You mean, you spent all those years in that expensive medical school, just to sit there
like a bump in a log to listen? Well, I'm used to talking and nobody talking back...that's what
it's like being with Wally. And if the home shopping network has their lingerie bonanza on,
Wally's speechless the whole night.
Jason: (in his head) The poor woman. Why can't she see how wrong Wally is for her. It's as
obvious to me as the fact that I'd love to go to bed with Maggie right now. Boy, that's
interesting, everytime I think of my mom's marriage breaking up, I wanna go to bed with
Maggie. I could write a paper on that...maybe get on Donnahew...Operah. Wait a minute, I'm
drifting. Let me stick to what's important here. It's just a paper, I don't have enough for a
book. No, no, the subject's my mom. Listen to what the woman is saying. She's counting on
me.
Urma: And he's always throwing Jerry Vale's lasagne in my face.
Jason: (in his head) OK, I've been out here twenty minutes, giving this some really serious
thought. Ha ha! I could torpedo this marriage and no-one would be the wiser.
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: I'm done thinking. Maggie...oh boy, you look great in that dress.
Maggie: Thank you honey. What about your mom and Wally?
Jason: Well, I get rid of him...I mean, I'm gonna help him first, I'll take care of this. For the
next few moments I would like you both to think of me, not as your son, and not as someone
you despise, but as a professional, because I wanna give you my professional opinion. (in his
head) Think they bought that? Yipper dipper they did.
(spoken) Now, in any marriage, no matter how much love is involved, or how much love you
think you have for one another, there's also a practical side of the relationship. There's
that...there's that bond that depends on a basic compatability or incompatability of the people
involoved. (in his head) Oh, man, she's crossing her legs. (spoken) And err...you two...with
you two, there's...there's some incompatability and I see the problem as...
Chrissy: Mommy! Mommy!
Maggie: Oh, what is it, sweetheart?
Chrissy: Grandma and Wally have to stay together.
Maggie: Oh, honey, no matter what happens, they'll both still love you.
Chrissy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want Grandma out of my room so I can sleep with the light
on.
Jason: So wait a minute; what you want is more important than what's good for them?
Chrissy: Yep.
Jason: Well aren't you being just a little bit selfish?
Maggie: What did you say, Jason?
Jason: Aren't you being a little bit selfish?
Maggie: What did you say, Jason?
Chrissy: He asked me if I was being a little bit selfish. And the answer is...
Jason: Yes. Yes.
Wally: Let's just get to the bad news, OK?
Jason: Well I think it's obvious that with all the differences that exist between you... Well, you
should stay together.
Urma and Wally: What?
Jason: Well because neither one of you has enough sense not to love each other.
Wally: Huh?
Jason: You heard me.
Urma: But everything you said, made it sound like we should give it up.
Jason: Yeah, well I got problems of my own. You sort this out, I gotta get some fresh air.
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: What?
Maggie: I love you.
Jason: What's that for?
Maggie: For not being as selfish as your four year old daughter.
Jason: Come on. You actually think for a second I'd actually put my own needs first?
Maggie: Yep. But deep down, I knew you'd do the right thing.
Jason: Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Maggie: Come on. You can't second guess yourself. You did what was right.
Urma: Oh, Wally, you cut that out.
Wally: Oh, Urma what do you say we see one of those boring plays you like so much?
Urma: What do you say to a little lingerie bonanza.
Wally: Oh, Urma, I'm through with the whole shopping network.
Urma: I wasn't talking about TV.
Wally: Oh!
Jason: Doesn't that make you wanna puke?
Maggie: You know honey, we don't have to wait for them to leave. We can...turn in now.
Jason: (in his head) Too little too late, I'm not in the mood.
Mike: Hey guys.
Jason: Mike, where have you been.
Mike: I've been dropping off the babysitter.
Maggie: But she left last night.
Mike: I know. She lives in Sinsinatty.

Chrissy: You look like the kind of guy who'd enjoy a good bed-time story. Mr. Mouse Finds a
Home.
Mike: Sorry, Chrissy, but Mr. Mike found a blonde.
Chrissy: I've never seen six foot mouse before.
Maggie: Sweetheart, who are you talking to?
Chrissy: Aarrgh!!
Maggie: What?
Chrissy: You're a little spooler shtoon.
Maggie: I am a smoosh too.
Chrissy: Sorry. They said something healthy was better for you.