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Welcome to the daily show. My name is Jon Stewart.
欢迎来到每日秀 我是囧司徒
We're back. Thank you for joining us.
我们回来了 谢谢你的收看
Our guest tonight oh, she puts the huff in Huffpo.
今晚的嘉宾是 在《赫芬顿邮报》上发泄怒气的
Arianna Huffington will be our guest tonight.
阿里安娜·赫芬顿
But first, for weeks the big story has been the missing Malaysia airlines flight.
但首先 几周以来 头条新闻都是失踪的马航
Today satellite data seems to have confirmed the worst.
今天卫星数据数据似乎已证实了最坏的结果
I think we all feared this story would end in tragedy,
我们都害怕这一事件会以悲剧结束
and so early on we turned to the news media for a sense of sober clarity.
所以我们先来看看新闻媒体 看看他们怎么说
Air traffic controllers in southeast Asia have lost contact with a jumbo jet carrying 239 people.
东南亚航空公司与一架载着239位乘客的飞机失去联系
We're of course doing all we can
我们正全力以赴
to get as many details as possible from our sources around the regions and the world.
尽可能的从我们在世界各地区的记者处 尝试获知更多细节
This accurate and humble assessment from CNN
这条既精确又谦逊的评论来自CNN
until they realized oh, we have 23 hours and 59 minutes left to fill.
这种气氛一直持续到他们意识到 靠 我们还有23小时 59分钟要播什么
...it let's go nuts.
那我们随便说吧
And they did. With everything in their bag of tricks.
于是他们真的这么干了 使尽了浑身解数啊
Giant floor maps. Big fake airplanes.
举行地上地图 大型假飞机
Little fake airplanes. Holographic airplanes.
小型假飞机 全息飞机
No airplane detail left unspoken.
飞机的所有细节都被提到了
A plane like this is around 61, 62 meters end to end. 61-62 side to side.
像这样的飞机机头到机尾约长61 62米 两翼之间也约是61 62米
You are telling them what a plane looks like?
你就跟大家讲飞机长啥样儿
Did you forget who watches CNN?
你忘了看CNN的都是谁吗
You could tell 90% of your viewers look out the airport window at the plane they are about to get on.
你可以让你们百分之九十的观众看看他们即将登上的那架飞机的窗外
But, of course—
但 当然——
There's a saying CNN is popular at airports.
据说CNN在机场候机时很受欢迎
Of course man does not live by hologram alone.
当然人类维生所需的并不止全息投影
Give me a six box, flank it, now stupid me.
给我一只六面体袋 守在旁边 然后开始糊弄我吧
People are asking about black holes and on and on and on and all of these conspiracy theories
人们一直都在问黑洞的问题 还有相关的阴谋论
Noha says what else can you think?
诺哈问 你还能想到什么
Black hole? Bermuda triangle? And then Deji says it's just like the movie lost.
黑洞 百慕大三角 德吉说就像电影《迷失》里一样
I know it's preposterous but is it preposterous, do you think, Mary?
我觉得这很荒谬 但是真的是这样吗 马力 你怎么看
Don't answer, Mary. It's a trap.
马力 别回答 这是个陷阱
Some sort of weird Bermuda triangle of logic where questions are answered before they are asked.
这是个逻辑上的百慕大三角 问题在提出之前就已经被回答了
A small black hole would suck in our entire universe. So we know it's not that.
一个小小的黑洞就足以吸进整个地球 所以不是黑洞
The Bermuda triangle is often weather and Lost is a TV show.
百慕大三角是天气原因 《迷失》只是电视节目
Well—I know it's a TV show but is it, Mary?
嗯——我知道《迷失》只是个电视节目 但真的是这样吗 马力
Look at me, Mary. Mary, look at me!
看着我 马力 看着我 马力
Is it?
真的是这样吗
You have to drive all the way down to the studio, Mary, level with me, Mary.
注意降低说话速度 马力 跟着我
Wow, did that lower the bar, CNN.
哇 CNN的门槛真是越来越低了呢
But I think you can go lower.
但还可以更低一点儿
Investigators sometimes use psychics.
投资者们会用到心理学
Why hasn't anyone considered the services of a credible psychic specializing in missing persons?
为什么没人想过找一个信得过的专门找人的灵媒帮忙呢
It sounds incredible but they have been used before.
听起来很难相信 不过这招以前就有人用过
Yeah, while we're at it why not use that octopus that always predicts the world cup victor?
嗯 这么说的话那我们为什么不用那个总是能预测到世界杯赢家的章鱼呢
Why don't we strap some wings to wolf Blitzer and let him loose
为什么不在伍尔夫·布利策身上绑上翅膀 把他从空中扔下去呢
because in order to catch a plane you must become a plane.
因为想要抓住飞机 你自己就必须变成一架飞机啊
CNN's missing airline obsession not only doubled their primetime ratings it itself became news
CNN的消失的飞机之谜栏目不仅点击率翻了一番 它本身也成了一条新闻
because the only thing less likely than an airplane disappearing out of the sky is CNN'S ratings doubling.
因为唯一一件比一架飞机突然消失更不可能发生的事就是CNN的点击率翻倍
Speculation has been replacing hard facts in news coverage
推测开始取代事实真相
earlier this week CNN anchor Don Lemon brought up the theory something quote supernatural could be at play.
本周早些时候CNN主持人唐·雷蒙提出可能是一些超自然的事物在搞鬼
The network is in dire ratings trouble.
该网站点击率翻倍
They get a pulse. Okay.
他们受到了激励 明白吗
So the executives order you guys have to do this wall to wall.
因此老板说你们要循环播放这则新闻
You better be careful O'Reilly or Fox's coverage of CNN's over coverage will be covered—
奥·莱利 你要小心了 要不然福克斯报道CNN点击率的新闻就会被压下去——
by CNN. News loop!
CNN压下去 新闻就成了个死循环
What do you make of Bill O'Reilly speaking way he did?
你怎样让奥·莱利用那种方式讲话的
I think he is nervous
他紧张了
because he lost in the demo the younger viewership three nights in a row last week
因为上周连着三个晚上年轻观众的观看量都很低
and he started getting nervous.
所以他开始紧张了
We all know most of O'Reilly's younger viewers are coming into the room
我们都知道奥·莱利的年轻观众进房间
to make sure their grandparents are still breathing. I don't—
只是为了确认他们的祖父母还在呼吸吧 我没——
I think it doesn't count, once they put their hand on the chest, does that count?
我觉得这不算数得吧 他们只是把手放在祖父母的胸口 这算数吗
