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It was a Thursday, June the 23rd, 1994.
那天是星期四，1994年6月23日。
"Collect your belongings. You are free to go.
“收拾你的行装。你可以离开了。
When escorted outside, go directly to your car. Do not talk to reporters."
护送你出去之后，请直接上你的车。不许与记者交谈。”
My head is spinning, my heart is racing, I can't get a breath. I just want out of there.
我感到天旋地转，我的心跳加速，我无法呼吸。我只想离开那里。
When I get to my car, I throw everything on the back, and I just collapse into the driver's seat.
当我走进我的车，我把所有的东西都丢到后座，我便瘫倒在驾驶座上。
"I can't do this. I can't go home to my family that I haven't seen in a week and pretend to be happy."
“我办不到。我无法回家，去面对一个星期来都没见到的家人，还要装出快乐的样子。”
Not even their love and support could help me at this particular time.
就连他们的爱和支持也无法在这个时候给我帮助。
We had just sentenced a man to death. Now what? Just go home and wash dishes?
我们刚刚判了一个人死刑。然后呢？就回家去洗碗盘吗？
You see, in Mississippi, the death penalty is like a part of our unspoken culture.
要知道，在密西西比，死刑就像是我们地下文化的一部分。
The basic logic is, if you murder someone, then you're going to receive the death penalty.
基本的逻辑是，如果你谋杀一个人，那你就会被判死刑。
So when the jury selection process took place, they asked me,
所以，当开始挑选陪审团成员时，他们问我：
"Could you, if the evidence presented justified the death penalty,
“你能吗？如果呈堂证供足以判他死刑，
could you deliver, rationally and without reservations, a penalty of death?"
你能否，理性地，且没有保留地，判处死刑？”
My answer was an astounding "yes," and I was selected as Juror Number 2.
我当时的回答是让人震惊的“我能”，而我就被选为二号陪审员。
The trial started. From the evidence being presented and from the pictures of the victim,
审判开始了。根据呈堂的证据以及受害者的照片，
my first response was, "Yes, this man is a monster, and he deserves the death penalty."
我最初的反应是：“是的，这个人是禽兽，他被判死刑是罪有应得。”
For days, I sat and looked at his hands, the ones that yielded the knife, and against his pasty white skin, his eyes ...
数日来，我坐着，看着他的手，那双挥下刀的手，以及与他苍白的皮肤对比，他那黝黑的双眼……
Well, he spent endless days in his cell, no sunlight, so his eyes were as black as his hair and his mustache.
他在他的牢房中待了无数日，没有阳光，所以他的双眼和他的头发胡须一样黑。
He was very intimidating, and there was absolutely no doubt in his guilt.
他看来十分吓人，他有罪，这是无庸置疑的。
But regardless of his guilt, as the days passed, I began to see this monster as a human being.
但就算他有罪，随着日子过去，我开始把这禽兽当人来看待。
Something inside of me was changing that I just didn't understand.
我的内在发生了某种我不理解的改变。
I was beginning to question myself as to whether or not I wanted to give this man the death penalty.
我开始质疑我自己，不再确定我是否真的想要判这个人死刑。
Jury deliberations began, and the judge gave us jury instructions and it was to be used as a tool in how to reach a verdict.
陪审团商议开始了，法官给了我们陪审团审理指导，它是一种工具，用来协助达成裁决。
Well, using this tool only led to one decision, and that was the death penalty. I felt backed into a corner.
用这项工具只会产生一种决定，那就是死刑。我感觉退到了角落。
My head and my heart were in conflict with each other, and the thought of the death penalty made me sick.
我的头脑和内心互相矛盾，我一想到死刑，就感到恶心。
However, following the judge's instructions, being a law-abiding person, I gave up.
然而，遵循法官的指示，作为一个守法的人，我放弃了。
I gave up and voted along with the other 11 jurors.
我放弃了，跟着其他十一名陪审员投票。
And there it was: our broken judicial system at work.
这就是了：我们不完善的司法体制就是这么运作的。
So here I am in my car, and I'm wondering: How is my life ever going to be the same?
所以，我在我的车里，我很纳闷：我的人生怎么能回得到原样？
My life was kids, work, church, ball games -- just your average, normal, everyday life.
我的人生本来是孩子、工作、教堂、球赛--就是你平常看到的普通日常生活。
Now everything felt trivial. I was going down this rabbit hole.
现在一切都变得不再重要。我陷入了困惑当中。
The anger, the anxiety, the guilt, the depression ... it just clung to me.
那愤怒、焦虑、罪恶感、沮丧感……都挥之不去。
I knew that my life had to resume, so I sought counseling.
我知道我的人生还是得走下去，所以我去寻求咨询。
The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD and told me that the best way to overcome the PTSD was to talk about the trauma.
咨询师诊断我得了创伤后压力症候群，告诉我，克服此症候群最好的方式，就是去谈论创伤。
However, if I talked or tried to talk about the trauma outside her office, I was shut down.
然而，如果我在她办公室以外的地方谈论或试着谈论那件事，我会被拒绝。
No one wanted to hear about it. He was just a murderer. Get over it.
没有人想要听我说这件事。他不过是个杀人犯。把他忘了吧。
It was then that I decided to become a silent survivor.
所以那时，我决定保持沉默地活着。
Twelve years later, 2006, I learned that Bobby Wilcher had dropped all of his appeals,
十二年后，2006年，我听说巴比威尔奇放弃了所有的上诉，
and his execution date was approaching. That was like a punch in the stomach.
他的行刑日越来越近。就好像往胃里打了一拳。
All of those buried feelings just started coming back.
所有被埋藏的感觉又开始回来了。
To try and find peace, I called Bobby's attorney, and I said, "Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"
为了试着找到平静，我打电话给巴比的律师，我说：“我能在巴比被处死之前见他一面吗？”
Driving to the penitentiary on the day of his execution, in my mind, Bobby was going to be manic.
在他的行刑日，我开车到监狱，我心里猜想，巴比应该会很躁狂。
But, surprisingly, he was very calm.
但，出乎意料，他相当冷静。
And for two hours, he and I sat there and talked about life, and I got to ask him to forgive me for my hand in his death.
足足两个小时，他和我坐下来谈人生，我向他请求原谅，因为我参与他的死刑审判。
His words to me were: "You don't have to apologize. You didn't put me here.
他对我说的话是：“你不用道歉。不是你让我走到这一步的。
I did this myself. But if it'll make you feel better, I forgive you."
是我自己造成的。但如果能让你感觉好一点，我原谅你。”
On my way home, I stopped by a restaurant and bought a margarita.
在回家的路上，我在一家餐厅停下来，买了一杯鸡尾酒。
I don't think I could get one big enough -- to try and calm down.
我觉得一杯酒不够--我试着冷静下来。
My phone rang. It was Bobby's attorney. Within two minutes of his execution, they had given him a stay.
我的手机响了。是巴比的律师打来的。离行刑不到两分钟的时间，他们决定暂缓执行。
This stay gave me time to reach out to Bobby. And as crazy as it may sound, we became friends.
这个决定让我有时间去接近巴比。听起来可能很疯狂，但我们成了朋友。
Three months later, he was executed by the State of Mississippi.
三个月后，他的死刑由密西西比州执行。
I'm here to tell you my story,
我在这里告诉各位我的故事，
because it was precisely 22 years later that I even wanted to open up enough to talk about it, when a friend encouraged me.
因为，正是二十二年后，我甚至想要公开谈论这件事时，一位朋友鼓励我：
"Hey, perhaps you need to talk to the other jurors. You've been through the same experience."
“嘿，也许你需要和其他陪审员谈谈。你们有过同样的经历。”
Uncertain of what I was after, I did need to talk to them.
我不太确定我的目的是什么，但我的确需要和他们谈谈。
So I set out on my quest, and I actually found most of them.
所以，我展开了这趟追寻之旅，事实上我找到了大部分的陪审员。
The first juror I met thought that Bobby got what he deserved.
我去见的第一位陪审员认为巴比是罪有应得。
Another juror -- well, they just kind of regretted that it took so long to carry the sentence out.
另一位陪审员--他们感到遗憾，因为花了这么长的时间才执行死刑。
Then one juror, and I don't know what was wrong with him, but he didn't remember anything about the trial.
接着，有一位陪审员，我不知道他怎么回事，但他完全不记得那场审判。
Well, I'm thinking in my mind, "Jeez, is this the response I'm gonna get from everybody else?"
嗯，我心里想着：“天啊，我从其他人那边也会得到这样的响应吗？”
Well, thank God for Allen. Allen was a gentle soul.
谢天谢地，还好有艾伦。艾伦心地善良。
And when I talked to him, he was genuinely upset about our decision.
我和他谈的时候，他是真的对我们的决定感到心烦。
And he told me about the day that the devastation really set in on him and hit him.
他告诉我那天的状况，他真的感到伤痛欲绝。
He was listening to the radio, and the radio had a list of names of men to be executed at Parchman Penitentiary.
他听到广播念出了密西西比州立监狱将要被处死的死囚名单。
He heard Bobby's name, and he then truly realized what he had done.
他听到巴比的名字，接着，他才真正意识到他做了什么事。
And he said, "You know, I had a responsibility in that man's death."
他说：“你知道吗，那个人的死，我也有责任。”
Now here it is, 20-something years later, and Allen is still dealing with that issue.
现在，二十多年后，艾伦仍然为那件事情而烦恼。
And he's never told anyone about it, not even his wife.
他从来没有跟任何人说过，连他的妻子都没有。
He also told me that if the State of Mississippi wanted to keep the death penalty,
他也告诉我，如果密西西比州想要保有死刑，
then hey, they needed to provide counseling for the jurors.
那么，他们需要给陪审员提供心理咨询服务。
Then the next juror I met was Jane. Jane is now totally against the death penalty. And there was Bill.
我接下来见的陪审员是珍。珍现在完全是个反对死刑的人，还有比尔。
Bill said he had this crushing depression for weeks, and when he went back to work,
比尔说他有好几周的时间都快被忧郁感给压垮了，当他回去工作时，
his colleagues would say things to him like, "Hey, did you fry him?"
他的同事会对他说类似这样的话：“嘿，你是不是把他炸了啊？”
To them, it was just a joke. Then there was Jon.
对他们来说，那只是个笑话。然后，还有强。
Jon said his decision weighed on him, and it burdened him daily.
强说他的决定让他感到很沉重，每天都是他的负担。
The final juror that I spoke to was Ken. Ken was the foreman of the jury.
我交谈的最后一位陪审员是肯。肯是当时陪审团的主席。
When we sat down to talk, it was apparent that he was deeply saddened by what we were required to do.
我们坐下来谈时，很显然他对于我们当时被要求做的事，感到悲伤沉重。
He relived the day that he left the courthouse and he drove home and he went to put his key in his door and unlock it,
他回想那天的经历，他离开了法院，开车回到家，把他的钥匙插入他家的大门，把锁打开，
and he said he literally broke down.
他说他真的是崩溃了。
He said he knew that Bobby was guilty, but the decision he made, he did not know if it was the right decision.
他说他知道巴比有罪，但他所做的决定，他不知道那是否是正确的决定。
And he said that he played it over and over in his head.
他说他在的脑海不断回想一个问题。
Did we do the right thing? Did we do the right thing? Did we do the right thing?
我们当初做的是对的事吗？我们当初做的是对的事吗？我们当初做的是对的事吗？
All those years, and I finally realized that I was not the only disillusioned juror.
这些年来，我终于知道我不是唯一幻想破灭的陪审员。
And we talked about sharing our experience with potential jurors to give them some insight into what to expect,
我们谈到，我们可以把我们的经验和可能当陪审员的人分享，让他们知道要预期什么，
and to tell them do not be complacent; to know what you believe; to know where you stand and be prepared,
并告诉他们不要自满；要知道自己的信念；要知道你的立场，且要准备好，
because you don't want to walk in one morning as a juror and leave at the end of the trial feeling like a murderer.
因为你并不希望有一天以陪审员的身分走进去，在审判结束时却感觉自己像是个杀人凶手。
Now, through this storm in my life, I did find some inspiration, and it came in the form of my granddaughters.
我确实在我人生中的这场风暴里找到了一些灵感，它化身成我的孙女们，出现在我生命中。
My 14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie, was writing an essay on the death penalty for school, and she was asking me questions.
我十四岁的孙女，玛迪，在写一篇关于死刑的学校论文，她问了我一些问题。
Well, it dawned on me that this child was being raised in the same eye-for-an-eye culture as I was, or had been.
我渐渐明白，这个孩子成长的环境是同样以牙还牙的文化，和我过去--或曾经成长的环境一样。
And so I explained my experience to her this way: that I had sentenced someone to death as I served on a jury.
我用这样的方式向她解释我的经历：我在当陪审员时，判了某人死刑。
And I asked her, "Did that make me a murderer?" She couldn't answer.
我问她：“那是否表示我是杀人凶手？”她无法回答。
I knew then that this topic needed to be open for discussion. And guess what happened?
我知道这个话题需要被公开讨论。猜猜发生了什么事？
I got invited to speak, just recently, in an abolitionist community.
最近，我受到邀请，去一个废奴主义团体演讲。
While I was there, I got a T-shirt. It says, "Stop Executions."
我到那里时，拿到一件T恤。上面写着“停止死刑”。
Well, when I get home, my 16-year-old granddaughter was there, Anna, and she says, "Can I have that shirt?"
当我回家时，我的十六岁孙女安娜在家里，她说：“这件上衣可以给我吗？”
Well, I looked at her dad -- her dad is my son -- and I knew that he is still dealing with this death penalty issue.
我看着她爸爸--她爸爸就是我儿子--我知道他还在处理这个死刑议题。
So I turned around and I looked at her, and I said, "Are you gonna wear this?"
所以我转过身，我看着她，说：“你打算要穿它吗？”
So she turned and she looked at her dad, and she said,
于是，她转身，看着她爸爸，说：
"Dad, I know how you feel, but I don't believe in the death penalty."
“爸，我懂你的感受，但我不相信应该要有死刑。”
My son looked at me, shook his head, and said, "Thanks, Mom."
我儿子看着我，摇摇头，说：“谢了，妈。”
And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."
我知道那句“谢了，妈。”是个反话。
So I learned that life had taught me some lessons.
所以，我了解到，人生给了我一些教训。
It taught me, if I had not served on that jury, that I would still be of the same mindset.
它教会我，如果我没担任过陪审员，我可能还会保有同样的心态。
It also gave me confidence to be able to see through the eyes of my granddaughters, that this younger generation,
它也给了我信心，能够透过我孙女们的眼睛来看世界，这个年轻的世代，
they're capable and they're willing to tackle these difficult social issues.
他们有能力也愿意去解决这些社会难题。
And because of my experience, my granddaughters,
因为我的经历，我的孙女们，
they're now more equipped to stand on their own and to think for themselves than to rely on cultural beliefs.
她们现在更有能力去为自己独立思考，而不只是仰赖文化的信念。
So: being from a conservative, Christian family from a very conservative state in the United States,
所以：我来自一个保守的基督教家庭，来自美国一个非常保守的州，
I am here to tell you that the death penalty has new opponents. Thank you.
我在此告诉各位，死刑有了新的敌手了。谢谢。
