You're not present

你不存在

Once again, I do not mean physically. This is the line that ties all of the prior items together. Presence is complete awareness, or consciousness—if you do not find at least some amount of presence, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, and avoid the blame game.

再次说明我并不是指物理上的不存在。此处将前面的几点都联系在一起了。存在是一种透彻的感知和意识---如果你找不到一丁点的存在，那就不可能去倾听，表达，妥协或避免指责游戏。

You may have noticed that the suggestions for dealing with each point thus far have been to look inward, see, and accept. THAT is presence: learning how to be with yourself, see the cogs turning, embrace what's there, and thereby put space around destructive thought and feeling.

也许你已经发现了每条处理问题的建议都是先审视内心，仔细洞察然后再接受。那就是存在：你看得见齿轮的转动，会拥抱周围的事物，能给糟糕的想法和情绪留点余地。

The idea is that you must first attend to yourself before you can effectively communicate with or help another person. When we learn to cultivate awareness, we are laying the groundwork to deal with all of the aforementioned issues. Not only that, but difficulties in a relationship can be a gold-mine for this type of work.

最好的办法就是你必须先要了解自己，然后才能有效地跟别人交流或帮助别人。当我们学会了培养意识，就是在为处理上述问题打基础。不仅如此，每段感情中的困难还是我们在解决此类问题的金矿。

One of the best ways to practice being present is meditation. I recommend it to all, however, if you're not interested in that, or it's not possible for you, this can be as simple as a few or multiple “breath check-ins” a day. All you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire. See if you can put all of your attention on the breath, and see what arises. Don't judge or resist your inner-workings. Simply accept. Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to become a great habit. This way, when you are in the thick of some painful experience with your significant other, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, disperse the urge to blame, and learn to compromise.

练习找存在的最好方式之一就是冥想。我已经向大家推荐了，但如果你们没兴趣的话，可能就不适合，可以尽量简化为一天做几次或多次的“呼吸检查”。你所需要做的就是静坐，想坐多久就坐多久。看你是否能将精力集中在呼吸上，再看看想到了什么。不要做出判断，也不要抵触你的想法。只要简单地接受。照这样一天练习几次，冥想渐渐地就会成为一个很棒的习惯。这样一来，每当你跟另一半极度不愉悦的时候，你就会找到那种存在并且会带着耐心去倾听，也不会有批判的倾向，你能够清晰地表达，你指责的冲动会得到分散，并且还懂得了妥协。